Theirs
by writingtoreachyou
Summary: Four years later we join the Stabler family as they watch Evie Grace graduate from Brown University. The reality of growing up hits Sam and Leah hard, a financial storm is brewing for Melinda and Fin, a new chapter begins for Texas and Gil, Sgt Calvin Arliss returns from Afghanistan with only one thing on his mind and questions are raised about Olivia's health.
1. Graduation

**Author's Note:**

_**Deep breath... and here we go! Diving in, head first, no messing. Hope you enjoy it! **_

_**Copyright credit to Oprah Winfrey and her 2013 Harvard Commencement speech which was beautiful and deeply inspiring and I have borrowed. It is in italics to show that is not mine, I did not write it, let this be noted.**_

_**Also to the reviewer, and sorry I forget your name, who said not to put this as an Elliot/Olivia story: I'm not quite sure what else to put it as. I mean Fin is here too, Nick will be playing a bigger role, I can't specify the original characters. Plus despite the E/O moments only being a portion of each update, they are still undoubtedly the absolute core, corner stone, foundation of everything going on. Therefore, with my apologies, it is going to go down as those characters for want of a better idea! **_

_**Edit: Apparently you can now have more than 2 characters, so I added in Fin and Calvin. Not sure if this improves matters or not but hey! :)**_

* * *

"_I know that you all might have a little anxiety now and hesitation about leaving the comfort of college and putting those Brown credentials to the test. But no matter what challenges or setbacks or disappointments you may encounter along the way, you will find true success and happiness if you have only one goal, there really is only one, and that is this: to fulfill the highest most truthful expression of yourself as a human being…..."_

"Babe?"

"Shh…" insisted Olivia Stabler, reaching a gentle, quieting hand to her husband's thigh and patting it lightly.

"Liv?"

"What?" giving in to him she turned her head. Still, after all these years, she took his breath away. Her face had aged, but only slightly. There were more laughter lines around the tan skin of her warm brown eyes, and her hair once long was now cut short in a style that elegantly defied her years.

"Look, look at her, look at that incredible young woman….." sliding one hand into hers Elliot lifted his spare one in a subtle greeting across the rows of white chairs, "… that's our daughter."

"Hi Momma!" giving a furtive little wave Eve beamed at her proud parents. Wrinkling her nose, deliriously happy, she grinned at her mother and blew a kiss. Elliot was so funny, she thought to herself, with butterflies in her stomach. He was such a guy; such a man's man in so many ways and yet a complete puddle of love for his kids and especially his daughters. Beyond the sense of achievement, beyond the doors to her future her degree would open up by far the best part of this day was the pride she could see on her parents' faces. That was what truly made it all worth it.

"We did that. You and me, Liv. She's the very best of both of us."

"Mom, Dad, shut up!" came Sam's deep, honey toned voice as he leant out of his wheelchair to fix them both with a warning glare, holding a finger to his lips and silencing them.

"_You want to max out your humanity by using your energy to lift yourself up, your family and the people around you. Theologian Howard Thurman said it best. He said, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.""_

"This thing is like a freakin' straight jacket." Tugging at the collar of his shirt, so unused now was he to wearing a suit Fin snarled uncomfortably. At his side, the ever immaculately turned out Melinda Tutuola turned her head, narrowed her eyes, and spoke under her breath.

"I swear Fin if you do not stop complaining I will leave you here. I will make you walk the whole way back to New York and when you finally arrive I will divorce you."

"You're mean."

"And you are supremely irritating. Now hush, hush up and watch your girl graduate."

"Yes ma'am….." he grinned, reaching to her knee and giving it a gentle squeeze, "… yes m'am."

"_From time to time you may stumble, fall, you will for sure, count on this, no doubt, you will have questions and you will have doubts about your path….."_ as the commencement speech continued Eve shifted in her seat, lifting her eyes to the crowd and searching it for her brother.

The soother of doubts, the source of strength and the heart hope she could only aspire to: Sam. As the words resounded she met his waiting gaze. They smiled at one another. It had been a long road, but together they had walked it and the top of the mountain was in sight. They were stood on the edge of a yawning precipice with a hundred thousand question marks floating. Where will they go? What will they do? Who will they become?

"_But I know this, if you're willing to listen to, be guided by, that still small voice that is the G.P.S. within yourself, to find out what makes you come alive, you will be more than okay. You will be happy, you will be successful, and you will make a difference in the world. Congratulations Graduating Class!"_

"How is it even possible that I am old enough to be mother of a college graduate? When did that happen? Where the hell did all the time go, Elliot?"

"You don't _look _old enough to be mother of a college graduate…." smiled Elliot, knowing just how many brownie points it had just accrued him as Olivia rolled her eyes gratefully. Still holding hands they turned their attention back to the stage where the graduates' names were proceeding to be called.

"Hannah Louise Wilson."

Applause ensued.

"David Michael Marshall."

"Where is she? I don't see her?" said Elliot, as another boy's name was called and he craned his neck to see where Eve stood in the lineup at the side of the stage.

"I think she's up in like, three, maybe four….." leaning in to Olivia's other side Sam squinted against the sun and tried to find his sister through the crowd. "There! There I see her, five from the front."

"Oh my God….."

"You alright?" asked Elliot, his head snapping back around to his wife. "You okay? You feeling light headed again? I can get you a water."

"No, no El honestly I'm fine it's just….." sliding her hand out from his grip he shook his head in confusion as her entire face lit up like a thousand suns and she got up from her seat.

"Hey! Hey where're you going? Mouse is up in like four names!"

"He made it…." she said softly with a teary smile, squeezing her way politely past Sam's and Elliot's knees and excusing herself down the row as they finally saw what she had several moments earlier, "… he actually made it."

"Livia….." breathed a loving sigh and a tight, loving embrace as Olivia dashed the last few steps and hugged her arms around Calvin's waist.

"I can't believe you're really here. You have no idea how good it is to see you home, sweetheart."

"Did I make it in time? Transport was grounded in Germany for eight fucking hours I floored it the whole way here but….."

"No! No you didn't miss it, you didn't miss it she's right….." scanning the crowd she pointed to where Eve stood at the side of the stage as Elliot and Sam smiled warmly at their returning solider.

"I got her, I see her….." he said quietly, holding one arm around Olivia's shoulder and lifting the other hand to wave at Eve and mouth, "… hey."

"Hi….." managed Eve weakly, her eyes filling instantly on seeing his face through the crowd and even more so to have him stood with her family as they prepared to call her name.

"This is it Team Stabler, we ready?" coming to stand on Olivia's other side Elliot squeezed Sam's shoulder as he parked his chair in front of their huddle. Standing gathered, standing together, they all looked to the stage as Eve lifted her foot up onto it.

"Eve Grace Stabler….."

"Whoop! Woohoo! That's my girl! That's our girl….." choked Elliot, his face aching with pride as he clapped and cheered for Eve walking across the stage in her mortar board and gown.

That magic never lessened. Every time felt like the first time with each milestone his children reached. It didn't matter that he had done this before with his other girls. This was his youngest, this was Eve. It would be every bit as magical in a year or twos time when he did it with Sam.

"Mom did you know he was gonna be home early?" asked Sam, looking up from his chair with a faux accusatory tone directed at his mother. "Did you Dad?"

"Hey don't bring me into this!" laughed Elliot warmly, slapping a palm against Calvin's shoulder in a wordless gesture of just how relieved he too was to have him back on American soil.

"Chill, buddy, no one knew except your mom."

"So Evie….." the question was answered in every muscle of Calvin's face, and the way his cheeks dimpled lightly as he smiled. "Oh wow, wow good luck with that one dude. She is gonna _kill _you."

"Livia I didn't get chance to call Tex yet, she didn't….."

"No, no not yet but if she's not started contracting by close of play today they're gonna induce."

"Good, awesome, I mean not….." rolling his eyes at his own misspeak Calvin slid his mouth to a smile, "… not awesome that she's so late but awesome that I get to be here."

"Gil said he'll call as soon as there's news."

"Great."

"I still can't believe you're stood here talking to me….." marveled Olivia, shaking her head in loving disbelief as she stroked at Calvin's arm and cast her eye over his desert fatigue trousers and cream boots, "…. you do realize Evie is going to lose her mind. She'll be going out her pretty little mind waiting to come over here now she knows you're here."

"I couldn't miss it, I couldn't….." he murmured, taking a long, hard look around at the Brown campus he was visiting for only the second time and adding, "… this is what it's always been about. This is what I've been waiting for."

"How'd you mean?" asked Olivia, knowing him all too well. There was so much more going on behind those enigmatic green blue eyes than Calvin was letting on. "Cal?"

"Nothing, not a thing….." though she didn't notice he moved his hand to the pocket of his combat pants, laying it over a solid square box nestled safely inside it, "… hey, hey look the lady with the crazy hair is trying to say something."

"That's the President of Brown you retard."

"Sammy don't say retard." Admonished Olivia, clipping Sam lightly round the ear.

"Mom you know you gotta stop doing that. Just because I'm down here like a sitting duck doesn't mean you can hit me like some kind of….."

"Hush up, look, Calvin's right she's talking…."

"And so then by the authority vested in me I confer upon you the bachelor's degree and I grant you all rights and privileges pertaining to this degree. Congratulations you may now move your tassel to the left side of your mortar board."

"She did it…" whispered Olivia huskily, looking to Elliot, "…. she graduated from her dream school."


	2. As He Goes Left And You Stay Right

**_Be patient with this one is the message I want to send. There are so many characters, so many subtexts, so many stories to tell and I will endeavour to tell them all. Some updates will have more of some characters, some less. I will do my best to keep the balance. It may just pan out that there is a certain amount of ebb and flow and folks will step and in and out of the limelight for several chapters at a time. I don't know, it's not an exact science so much as me trying to get stories onto paper (or screen!) most of the time._**

**_Continued thoughts, reviews, requests etc. are all noted and appreciated. If there is an emotion, a moment, a scene you want to see or feel deserves telling then let me know. I make no promises but I shall see what I can do :)_**

* * *

"Elena Antonia Amaro."

"Gil's been calling her Leni….." said Texas, sleepy eyed and dozing in her hospital bed as a throng of her nearest and dearest gathered around to fuss the baby, "… he's fallen pretty hard for her."

"Nothing turns a grown man into a crying mess quite like his little girl…." smiled Olivia, standing beside Calvin as he gently cradled the baby, and stroking at chubby, olive skinned cheeks she whispered, "… that's right, sweetheart, that's right Daddy's are just crazy about their girls."

"Texas would it maybe be okay if I held her?" asked Eve, who had waited nervously in the wings and allowed Calvin and her mother to take the lead. "I have no clue about babies but….."

"Honey I crashed your graduation dinner to drag y'all down here you bet you can grab her. Get in there, girl! Come on Cal you're gonna have to share…."

"I don't want to….." said Calvin softly, as Eve felt her heart liquidate on watching how completely besotted he was with the baby girl he was telling anyone would listen was his new niece.

"Sit down if it's easier. You know what you're doing..." reassured Olivia with a smile, "... you're awesome with Maureen's and Lizzie's boys."

"Are we good?" asked Eve, as Calvin bent down and gently lay the pink blanket bundle of tiny arms and legs into her waiting arms.

"Perfect…." he said as her eyes lifted from the Elena's deep brown eyes to his light but powerful gaze.

"She's kind of heavy!"

"She's a regular little brusier, aren't you Leni?" cooed Calvin gruffyly, unconsciously resting a hand on Eve's shoulder as he stroked a tender finger down the bridge of the newborn's nose.

"Yeah, yeah no I figured that out when I was pushing her out my front door!" laughed Texas, and Olivia flashed a knowing smile. Eve watched the two of them interact: mothers. "It was like sitting on a fucking firework."

"Tex!" eyes shooting across to his friend Calvin shook his head firmly. Reaching down giant hands that entirely dwarfed Elena's little head as he covered them over, "You gotta curb your potty mouth in front of tiny ears."

"I guess I have a lot to learn." Swallowed Texas, and Olivia caught a dangerous flicker of self doubt in her eyes.

"Oh sweetheart ignore him you're doing just fine….." weighing in Olivia put Calvin back into his box with a simple look, an inflection in her expression, and the overwhelming maternal presence she held in all three young peoples' lives, "…. and Calvin here could write what he knows about being a parent on a stamp."

"She knows I'm playing….." not dismissive of Olivia's point his apology came in the form of another look. This time between two friends older than time itself, or so it felt to them. There was nothing Calvin and Texas couldn't say to one another. Olivia remembered this and acknowledged it with a sighing laugh.

"Are you three done bickering? Because Leni and I are just chillin' over here and we're kind of over it."

"Her little hat's falling off…." noted Calvin, kneeling down beside the chair in which Eve sat with the baby and attempting to gently encourage it back onto Elena's head. "Dude this thing is spring loaded."

"Don't squish her head."

"I'm not I'm just…."

"Cal be careful! Don't break her, here, hold her butt up a minute and let me….." with her head still nestled snuggly in the crook of Eve's arm Elena didn't fuss at all as Calvin's hand slid in to take her weight. "You got her?"

"Yup, yup like a little football."

"Shut up."

"I could just spiral her right down the…."

"You are _such _an idiot…." murmured Eve, laughing under her breath as she used her now free hand to arrange the fold of Elena's little hat. "There, there now she's cosy again."

"Wow….." mouthed Texas, catching Olivia's gaze across the room as the two of them watched the scene play out. No more needed to be said. As the two women returned their eyes to Eve, Calvin and Leni they both knew just exactly what the other was thinking.

* * *

"No, no you're doing it all wrong you've got them turned wrong ways out."

"Oh and you could do so much better could you?"

"Course I could, here move over and let me…." smiling knowingly to himself Sam moved away from the ironing board and allowed Leah to prove her point. Mission accomplished he leant back in his chair and watched her iron his pants for him.

"So you wanna go for burgers when I get done with the interview?"

"What time?" she asked, nipping the material and carefully laying the iron across the fold. "I have to meet my Mom at the mall in the afternoon but after that?"

"Yeah, yeah no I won't get done till later anyways. It's at five."

"You all ready? You prepared?" he liked her hair in cornrows, he decided. It framed her face better than when she let her hair roam free in its wild, natural state. Though that was cute too, he thought with an inside smile, remembering how many times he had teased her for how untameable it was.

"Yeah, yeah I mean I'm not really sure there's all that much to know about scooping fro-yo but boy am I just gonna be so freakin' enthusiastic about it."

"A job is a job Sam don't be an ass about it."

"You're putting weird creases in those…." he said, and shooting back a white hot glare of indignation Leah balked.

"You wanna iron your own damn pants?" as she flung them at his head he wheeled forward, grabbing her hand and wrestling her as she tried to play strike at his head.

"Stop! Hey! Don't beat on a cripple Bell!"

"I will beat on a cripple same was as I'll beat on anyone else as annoying as you are!" she laughed, their hands clasped and fingers entwined as they grappled in an exaggerated came of chicken. Neither one wanting to give in she fell into his lap as they struggled and laughed with increasing lack of control.

"I'm serious! Leah quit it! Quit it I can't breathe!"

"You quit! I'm seeing this one through; you don't get off easy just 'cos you're on wheels!"

"Let go…." he gasped, laughing, the hairs at the back of his neck tingling as their faces lingered a breath apart and his eyes held hers, "… let go."

"No."

"I mean it."

"So do I…." she insisted, her teeth so white against her dark complexion. A smile that could sell toothpaste as Olivia called it. To Sam it was most often just the place he ran to at the end of a bad day, a good day, in truth any day at all.

"Uh….." it was a split second, a fraction of a moment, a half a heartbeat in which Sam forgot his rational sense and lost his head. Leaning forward he pressed his lips against hers. The warmth of her mouth, the way her lip balm tasted like cherry, and the way having his body intimately connected to hers felt like putting time into reverse. Everything stopped. Nothing else mattered. The world stopped rotating for as long as he was kissing Leah Bell.

"Sam!" and as soon as it had started it was over. Wrenching herself away she stumbled from his lap, staggered backward away from him and held a hand over her lips. It was as if she had been burned.

"Lee…."

"I wish you hadn't done that."

"I…."

"I really, really wish you hadn't done that."

* * *

"Captain Amaro, I thought I might find you here."

"I can't take my eyes off her. You forget how tiny they are when they first arrive."

"Oh she's a real cutie, that's for sure." Smiling warmly Olivia wandered into the nursery where Elena was safely cuddled up in her Grandpa Nick's arms. "I saw Cynthia and Zara heading in to see our new mom."

"That poor girl is exhausted but she's been the perfect hostess to a steady stream of visitors ever since she gave birth! Maybe I should go down there and intervene, tell my ladies to give her some space."

"Texas is a trooper she'll be just fine."

"Sure?" asked Nick, because despite Texas being just as much a part of his family as he was hers he still trusted Olivia's judgement implicitly where she was concerned. It had not been an easy road since Texas and Gil got together. They were on and off more times than subway passengers and he knew that, not entirely but for the most part, was down to Texas' struggle to trust.

"Trust me when I say there is _nothing _that means more to Tex than being part of a family. The way you guys have taken her under your wing? It's everything."

"I'm pretty sure she was under your wing first…" as were half the children in the city at one time or another, he thought fondly.

"So what's new at the 1-6?"

"Will you ever stop asking me that?" smiling softly he realised not, because she would never stop caring. And so, continuing to rock the baby, he proceeded to deliver his now routine update to his predecessor.

* * *

"Hey you."

"Hi."

"Come here, come on, get over here…" smiled Calvin, as Eve came out of the hospital to find him stood leaning against the parking lot railing waiting for him, "… I've been waiting all day to say a proper congratulations to my favourite little dork."

"It is so good to have you home….." she breathed, falling into his arms and hugging tight into his chest, "…. and I'm so happy you could be there to see me graduate. Oh, and in time to be here for Texas of course."

"My girls did good."

"Your girls? Listen to you talking like some kind of pimp!" giggled Eve, as he held her fast in a tight grip and swayed her from side to side. Resting his chin against her head he turned his head and kissed at her hair lovingly.

"How you doing? How've you been?" he asked. It had been so long since they'd last spoken/ Their letters had been fewer and farther between as her final exams had eaten away so much of her time and his last deployment had been over a year. "What's new?"

"I graduated college."

"Yeah you did…." he smiled, that familiar lazy laconic smile she so adored. "So what you doing right now? Can I steal you away for a couple of hours tonight?"

"I have no clue what we're doing since we came home from Brown so early. Mom is pretty deep in the baby talk with Nick and Gil and Texas so I think she'd be cool with me sneaking away for a bit. Where are we going?"

"I have a place in mind."

"That sounds very mysterious!"

"I'll pick you up at your place in like an hour or so?"

"Do you seriously have something planned?" it was so unlike him, she thought. Normally he just went wherever the mood and the wind took him. This felt like he had actually put forethought into the situation. "Am I supposed to wear anything in particular or?"

"You can wear a dress. That would be cool."

"Okay….." she tested, seeing whether or not she could get him to flinch but when he tactic was unsuccessful she simply shrugged and smiled "…. well, cool then, I'll head home now and see you in a little while."

"See you then."

* * *

"What a day."

"I just made myself a sandwich, you want one?" asked Olivia, sinking her teeth into a chicken salad sub as Elliot wandered into the kitchen.

"Nah, nah I'm not hungry but thanks."

"I was starving and remind me to get on Sammy's ass about drinking the last of the juice again and not writing it on the grocery list. I was right at the store yesterday I could've picked some up."

"Are you on like some kind of juice kick or something lately? You're caning that stuff."

"I've been looking online at things we can buy for Leni and I reckon we're gonna buy her one of those jack-in-a-boxes that Fin bought Evie when she was little. Remember how much she loved that thing? How she'd giggle?"

"You know I could be wrong but I think someone around here is just a tiny bit beside herself at having a baby to fuss over again….." chuckled Elliot warmly, coming up behind her and kissing her hair.

"I feel like I have my hands tied a little with your kids I guess. I know that's stupid. I know probably even Kathy would tell me I'm insane but they're her grandkids, yours and hers."

"Babe you know Lizzie and Maureen don't see it like that. You've been a part of their family for the longest time."

"But it isn't the same. Texas and Gil are mine. I mean they're Nick's really not but they might as well be ours too. I was the one taking her to every scan. You and Nick were the ones helping Gil build the nursery."

"I still have nightmares someone is trying to make me go back to Ikea."

"You loved it."

"The teeny, tiny, completely useless little tool they give you."

"My point is that as and when and if Evie and Sam have kids I reserve the right to go _completely _insane but until then I intend to spoil Leni rotten in preparation and training."

"You do not need any training on how to be incredible with babies or kids or really any size of human."

"Gosh I am so tired. I am way too old to have more than one life event happen I one day."

"We got a graduation and a baby all in twenty four hours. That's pretty good going even by Stabler standards."

"Evie didn't get home yet, right?" asked Olivia, polishing off the last of her sandwich and making them both a coffee. She didn't ask if he wanted one, he always did around this time.

"Not so I've heard. Should I be worrying about something? You've got a funny look on your face."

"I could be wrong."

"But it's not likely where Mouse is concerned. You reckon there's trouble in paradise?"

"Well they were going out for a purely platonic dinner date so…." tipping her head from side to side she allowed the sentence to finish itself.

"Yeah, no, Mouse and Hercules are definitely worse at just being friends than we were."

"Their problem is that nothing has changed. They're still headed down completely different paths."

"Their _problem _is that nothing's changed and they're still crazy about each other."

"You just don't want her to wind up with Dominic the dentist…." smirked Olivia wryly, knowing just exactly what Elliot had thought of Eve's college boyfriend.

"The guy was a pretentious asshole."

"But his work was in Manhattan not the Middle East and you can get into far less trouble wielding a dental drill than you can an M16."

"You just liked the idea that if she'd wound up with him chances are she'd have moved back to the city."

"I don't care _who _she winds up with as long as long as he makes her happy."

"You really do look tired, babe. You want a bath running? Some of that nasty smelling lavender stuff that makes you snore like a dying rhino?"

"Hey!" his face had aged, but in so many ways he was still that boyish detective who had charmed her senseless all those years earlier. She was sure he would always stay that way in her eyes.

"I'm kidding, I'm teasing….." hugging her from behind he kissed her cheek lovingly and smiled, "… you're snoring is adorable."

"I think I'm gonna wait up for Evie."

"No, no I think you aren't. She is twenty one years old and more than capable of hanging on till morning to de-brief you on her latest Herculean drama. You need to go to bed."

"I…."

"If I promise to stay up and make sure Mouse isn't in the throes of some kind of emotional crisis will you _please _go get some sleep?"

"Okay."

* * *

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Calvin Arliss you are just five years old sometimes….." though she could easily slay him with her razor sharp mind and quick tongue when he disarmed her with that mischief smirk and lazy puppy eyes she was lost and so was the argument, "…. you are so annoying."

"You missed me."

"I really didn't."

"Not even a little bit?" playing with her he stood in her path, grabbing at her waist and swaying her from side to side, "Not even when I do this?"

"You think that's _less _annoying?" but she was laughing and her hands instinctively moved to rest on his upper arms as they almost danced together along the Central Park path.

"Not even when I do this?" he asked, dipping down and catching her lips on his. Kissing her with the warmth, the fire, the remembered passion of how good she tasted and how right they felt Calvin wrapped his arms around her fully. Moving her arms to his neck she ran fingertips through the bristled stubble of his tight clipped hair and moaned lightly as the kiss deepened and he took her weight as she lifted her feet clear off the ground.

"Stop, stop, we have to stop….." she murmured quickly, painfully wrenching herself from his arms as every fibre of her being screamed at her not to, "…. we can't do this. Not again."

"Sure we can….." he smiled, grabbing for her wrist and dragging her back toward him.

"No, no!"

"Bambi…."

"Why not? Give me one good, solid reason?" he challenged, no longer prepared to hold back. She wasn't a child anymore. They were two adults and he was done keeping himself in check. "I **know** you are feeling every single thing I am right now Evie."

"This can't happen again! We can't do this over and over and over again every time you come home! That first Christmas when we cheated on Dominic and Tara? When you came to visit Brown on my birthday? It is so easy, it is _so easy _to fall back into this with you but we can't keep running around in a circle and always winding up back at the same place."

"So let's wind up someplace else this time."

"Cal I have to tell you something….."

"Me too."

"Fine, fine you go first but…."

"You're the one Evie."

"What?" she had believed him to be playing. She hadn't for a minute suspected that what he had to say might hold more weight than her news. He always did this. Bought more time, stalled her, waited out her defensive strategy until she couldn't stand how badly she wanted him any longer and they wound up picking up just exactly where they'd left off last time. This was different.

"No matter where I am or what I do you're what I think about. When I do good, when I fuck up, the best days, the worst days? It's you I want to talk to, it's you I want to tell, it's you I want to share it all with. You're all I want. You're everything I want. There will never be any other girl for me."

"I…."

"Marry me Evie?"

"Cal!" she gasped, bright blue eyes wide and startled and her mouth agape.

"Be my girl, always. Be my wife. Will you let me talk to your Dad? Will you marry me?"

"No."

"Wow, okay, not how I was kinda hoping this would pan out but….." he mumbled, and for the first time she knew what it was to see him blush, to be awkward and shy.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you but I can't marry you….." and then, because so long as she was talking it was easier to deny the utter devastation on his face and the knowledge that she was the cause of it, "…..I'm moving to the West Coast."

"What?" now his turn to be entirely floored. Knocked off his feet by a bowling force of that which he could never have seen coming.

"No one gets a job offer right out of college these days but I got one. I got a job in a kind of a big deal marketing agency out in San Francisco and I leave next month."

"Yeah, yeah no next time you might wanna lead in with that. You might wanna speak up and go first."

"I was going to tell you but today got so crazy and I waited because I wanted to do it in person so…."

"I feel like a total idiot."

"Don't! Please, don't. I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were going to propose tonight or I wouldn't have come!" and then, realising that the words coming from her mouth were not at all the feelings she intended to put across Eve twisted her face miserable. "I'm not making this any better. I do realise that. I just meant that I never meant for this."

"Did I get confused Bambi? Did I miss something? Have I had it wrong this whole time?"

"I…."

"Wasn't the idea that you went off to college first? That you figured out who you are, grew up, and did your thing? I waited for you."

"That isn't fair!" she expressed emphatically, almost ashamed that she was suddenly crying. She felt she didn't deserve to. She was the one turning him down and yet it was cutting her with the double edge of the same knife.

"I know you were a kid back then, I knew that all. I never once tried to come between you and Brown or you getting all the things you wanted but all I ever wanted was you."

"You make it sound like you've just been standing around this whole time. You wanted to join the army, right? That was the life you wanted? And you're happy with that choice and you've had tonnes of other girls. I know you have. You've been _far _from lonely these past few years so….."

"See you say that like you give a damn and yet…."

"You **know **I give a damn." She spat, her eyes pricked with tears and her bottom lip trembling.

Whether she had said it or not, whether she had even acknowledged it to herself or not every girl he had had since her had burned. She did not want any hands on him but hers, any other lips on his, anyone else in his heart or his bed. Yet she had kept quiet, held her silence, because she had no right to expect that of him. The same way he had never asked it of her.

"Yeah well you know what you can't have it every way Evie. I'm right here. I am stood right here with a diamond in my pocket just waiting to go on your finger. I'm standing here telling you that none of those other girls I fucked around with meant anything to me and…."

"I thought we were friends. I thought that was what we agreed and…."

"We're not friends Bambi. The two of us? We were never just friends and we never will be. I can't be your friend."

"So what? Just because I won't marry you you're being a child and saying we can't even be….."

"You know Evie did you ever think about the reason _why _we always wound up back in bed together every time we met up? Did it ever occur to you that we're just fucking fate? That every single thing right back to me finding you on that wall outside SVU was just meant to be?"

"Of course it did."

"We're not supposed to be pen pals or Skype buddies or any kind of buddies. We're meant to be together. We're meant to get married and find a place together and have stupidly cute kids that have your brains and looks and as little of my DNA as biologically possible. That's what's meant to happen, it just is. It's written somewhere, like, you know, in the stars or on a bathroom stall or something."

"Cal…"

"You're my soul mate Evie. You're my other half. That won't ever change, that won't ever go away, no matter how much time passes or how hard we fight it that just won't ever not be true."

"I'm not ready to get married. I'm only twenty one years old. I'm not even close to being done with all the places I want to go and all the things I want to do."

"Fine, okay, that's cool so we'll just wait and…."

"Are you prepared to move to San Francisco? Because that's where my job is, that's where my life is from now on. I need to be out there and if you're not out there with me then we're not together. We're just pen pals and Skype buddies same as always."

"You know I'm at Fort Bragg until I get orders otherwise."

"Which is how long? How long before I can't even figure out which time zone you're in anymore? How long before when I go weeks without any of us hearing from you and not one of us knows whether you're dead or alive!"

"Bambi that's the Army, that's just how it is. I don't get to choose. I don't have any control over that stuff."

"But I do."

"Right."

"Calvin don't do that, don't look at me like that. Don't you make me feel like the worst person in the world because I can't live that life. I'm trying to be fair to you. I'm trying to be fair to both of us. It won't work. It can't work."

"But you're not even willing to try….." he said quietly, huskily, his eyes watery and bordering on betrayed as he shook his head and rolled his shoulders in defeat.

"You remember what my Mom said to us that night at Fort Bragg when you deployed to Afghanistan this last time? After we kind of got back together for all of two weeks and then wound up saying goodbye and getting heartbroken all over again the way we always do?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"I have to follow my dream and you have to follow the flag, and so long as those two things are both true we are just always going to wind up back in the same place."

"Don't you mean different places?" offered Calvin with a sad smile.

"Don't think this isn't breaking my heart too Cal. Don't think that there isn't a part of me that would love to just say yes and marry you and give up everything that I've worked for and dreamed about because I love you. Trust me, believe that if nothing else: me not loving you is not our problem here."

"I get it."

"Do you?"

"I hate it. It sucks. I wish you weren't right, but I won't fight you on it."

"I love you, I love you, you're my best friend, please don't say that has to change? I don't think I could handle it …" she begged, leaning against his chest and feeling an unspeakable relief as his arms instinctively enveloped her and she felt his chin rest against her hair.

"It doesn't, it won't…." hugging her tight he sighed, "….never."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising."

"I know you're upset."

"I know you are too."

"We are just such a mess…." she laughed, rolling her eyes and burying her face back into his chest, "…. do you think it'll always be this way? Do you ever think we'll wind up on the same page?"

"I have no idea."

"Me either."

"I do know one thing for sure though….." reaching his hand to her shoulders he lifted her off his chest, holding her and vowing, "….I won't ever be the guy who stopped you getting your dream Evie G."

* * *

"Oh! God Sammy! You scared the crap out of me!"

"Sorry."

"What're you doing in here?" asked Eve, wandering into her old bedroom and tossing her purse down on the bed. "Did you take over my room while I was gone?"

"No, no I was just….." it was so good to have her home, even for a short while, though he was reluctant to admit it to her, "… waiting for you."

"Oh really?" she said casually, knowing he would only open up if he thought she was entirely indifferent to whatever it was he had to say. He replied on her to react with less dynamism than Elliot and less emotion than Olivia. She was his Switzerland, his safe place, his first number dialled and first port in a storm. Likewise, he was hers. "What's going on?"

"I kissed Leah."

"No! No way! Finally! You go Sammy!" beamed Eve. She approved wholeheartedly of Leah, who had been her brother's best friend for years now. In fact, like Calvin, she could not remember a time where she had not been in their lives.

"Well you can stop grinning like that for a start. This isn't happy news. This doesn't end well, just in case you were wondering. Plot spoiler? She totally and completely rejected me."

"What? No way….." stopping her undressing Eve came to sit on the bed opposite his chair and frowned with concern. "But you two are so obvious. Like, it's just only ever been a matter of time before you figured it out. What happened? What went wrong?"

"If I knew that….."

"Right, right sure but do you even have like any ideas? Did she say anything?"

"Nope, no she just freaked out and then fled. I mean fled. Like the building was on fire. Like kissing me was just about the most repulsive thing that had ever happened to her."

"That can't be it, that isn't it. I know that."

"You can't know that."

"I really can. I don't know how, I don't even know how to explain it to you, maybe it's a girl thing. I'm not saying I have the first clue what's going on with Leah or what her deal is running out on you like that but trust me it isn't because she didn't want you to kiss her. All the codes were there, all the signs were pointing toward you two getting together. We all saw it."

"Speaking of people getting together that we all saw coming…" said Sam, turning the heat off himself for a moment, "… how was your evening with Cal?"

"Swear to you won't tell Mom and Dad? Like on your life. They can't know."

"Well now I'm kind of scared to….."

"He proposed."

"What?" now it was Sam's turn to be startled, and with a wide eyed head shake he wasn't entirely sure from her expression how he was supposed to react. "And we're not telling Mom and Dad, why? I assume you said yes, but you don't look like a person who just got engaged so…."

"I can't say yes Sammy."

"But…."

"I want to, more than he knows, more than even I know. Maybe it's a huge mistake saying no. I have no clue. All I do know is that it isn't just marrying him; it's marrying the US Army. It is so easy to say that we'll figure it all out, that we'll be together but we won't. Unless I'm prepared to move to Fort Bragg and wherever the hell else they send him then we won't be _together_ at all."

"I guess I never really thought about it that way."

"I'd have to give up San Francisco. I'd have to give up my awesome new job. I'd have to give up everything that I have _ever_ worked for and I'm scared to do that. I'm scared that if I do then one day twenty, thirty years from now I'll resent the hell out of him for it."

"Careful Vee, you should suspiciously like a grown up when you talk like that."

"Being a grown up sucks."

"Yeah, yeah that."

"You wanna go make smores or something? Midnight movie? Dad's just gone to bed so we've got the lounge to ourselves?"

"Hell yeah, you get snacks and I'll line something up."


	3. Across This New Divide

"Leni, Leni, Leni! Black 49, march! Hut, hut, hut!"

"Cal, dude, are you even listening to me?" groaned Sam, struggling to retain Calvin's attention as they played in the Stabler's back garden together. "Or are you just gonna run that baby like a pig skin and pretend I'm not even here?"

"I'm listening, smallest Stabler, but I'm just fresh out of stuff to say. Okay, run it all by me again. Start from the top. Start with what you were doing right before the big rejection."

"You're such a douche."

"Should we sit down for a while? Are we tired?" asked Calvin, as Elena lay along the length of his forearm and he stroked at her chubby cheeks adoringly. "Do we need to take five and listen to Uncle Sam play his teeny, tiny violin?"

"At this point I'm just gonna remind you of how you proposed to my sister and she turned you down."

"We don't talk about that."

"She's an idiot….." said Sam, because the two friends had not spoken of the situation since it had happened and he felt it needed airing out loud, "…. for the record."

"No, no she's not."

"You're still defending her?" despite knowing how besotted Calvin was with Eve it still came as a surprise to Sam that he could be so calm about it. Not like it didn't matter, or that he didn't care, but that he was somehow accepting of it. "Even after she rejected you like that?"

"She had her reasons. Buddy I think that's kind of the point. I think that's what I wanna say to you about this whole Leah thing. Girls are a lot of things. They're whiny and annoying and they overthink everything….." stroking his finger down the bridge of Elena's nose and smiling softly Calvin shrugged, "…. but they're way smarter than we are most of the time. They're pretty tuned in to all the feelings."

"All the feelings?" smiled Sam, because his friend had a unique turn of phrase at time. It was also hard not to find him endearing when he sat giving love life advice while cradling a new born who was microscopic against his giant frame.

"That thing about men being from mars and women from venus? My Ma always said it."

"You reckon she knew what she was talking about?"

"No, no I reckon she was loaded out her skull and didn't know she was talking _at all_ but I just think there still might be something in it. Asking Bambi to marry me? I didn't think about it. I just knew that I wanted her there, all the time, every day, forever. I knew I loved he. I knew I was in love with her and I want to take care of her and her be my wife. That was as far as I got."

"Dude, that's pretty adorable."

"Do you want my wisdom or not?" said Calvin, not taking in the least bit kindly to the over exposure of his softer side even to Sam. He rarely allowed the women in his life a glimpse behind the curtain and he knew Sam relied on him to be unwavering.

"But Evie? God she thinks about, like, the practical stuff. Like how she's gonna be working in San Francisco and how I never know where I'll be. She thinks about how unless she's prepared to give everything up we'd still never see each other. I didn't even figure what I was asking her to take on marrying into the Army. That it's a life she might not want. She thought about all of that."

"She's still crazy about you Cal, you know that right?" and for a moment both young men were quiet. Sam watched Calvin playing with Elena. How gentle he was, how tenderly he cared for the tiny little girl and the way the truth about Eve just lingered in the air between them.

"Yeah, well, my point is that all you thought about was that Leah is your buddy but you like her and you wanted to kiss her. What you gotta figure out is what _she _was thinking? What's she got going on in her head?"

"Huh."

"Because I guarantee you it won't be that she didn't _want _you to kiss her."

"So you reckon there's more to it?" asked Sam, wondering whether or not it made him feel any better or not. On the one hand it may well mean that Leah wasn't simply horrified by the idea of him physically, while on the other it posed a considerable challenge in finding the deeper cause of her reaction.

"I hate to break it to you bro, but with women?" twisting a smile Calvin brought Elena up onto his shoulder and kissed at her soft hair while shooting Sam a knowing look, "There is _always _more to it."

* * *

"So the strangest thing happened to me in Macy's this afternoon."

"You saw a purse half off and thought to yourself, no, no you know what I already have plenty of purses and I really don't need another."

"You're not even remotely funny Odafin."

"Fine, okay, tell me? Tell me what strange thing happened to you in Macy's this afternoon?" he smiled, sinking his teeth into a slice of pizza as she speared at a chunk of avocado from her salad.

"I got to the register to pay for the blanket I bought for little Elena and my card got declined. Of course I assumed it was their reader or a mistake but then the same thing happened to the Visa."

"Oh really, it did?" he asked, staring so hard at the pizza box his eyes began to water.

"Don't you dare look up from that pepperoni Fin….." she warned, ice injected into her tone as she swallowed slowly, "… you do not dare look me in the eye and pretend like you don't know exactly _why _they couldn't run any of my cards."

"Mel…."

"I spoke with the bank. I went by there on my way home and they told me how I did not have sufficient funds for my purchase. That was the reason for my frozen cards: insufficient funds. Only what I can't quite understand is how that's possible ….." narrowing her eyes she paused, waited for him to set down his pizza slice and look up to meet her pointed stare, "… but something tells me that you might?"

"Yeah, yeah I've been meaning to talk to you."

"Have you?" she snapped, unable to reign in or restrain the blind rage she felt a moment longer. And so, in her usual calm and composed manner she pulled back her shoulders, pushed back a cluster of greying curls from her face and asked calmly, "Well, please, do go ahead. I really am just _dying _to hear what you have to say."

"Don't be like that, don't come with that tone."

"Where's the money Fin?" she asked, in no mood to dance around the issue.

"I can't explain if I'm already running uphill."

"Running uphill?" she scoffed, struggling to hold herself. "Darling you have no idea."

"I'm just gonna say it. I'm just gonna…."

"For the love of God!" she cried, ever pragmatic and keen to call things by their proper names. A scientist, a trader in facts she saw little point in decorating an issue.

"Ken and Alejandro borrowed 30k from a loan shark to buy that restaurant."

"You told me he got it from his late grandfather!" she cried, almost a yelp as the realisation that the money was well and truly gone hit her with a winding wave. "I thought they were investing inheritance money!"

"So did I."

"Then…."

"So did I, I swear to you. I had no idea how deep they were in this until I got called the hospital the other night to find someone had beaten the shit out of Ken."

"The other night? Where was I? Christ, Fin!" suddenly it wasn't even about the money. That was material, it was a staggering blow but ultimately it was replaceable. What she could not get over was his deception. "How could you keep something like this from me? How could you clean out _our _accounts and not…."

"I never meant to lie to you I just…."

"Yes, yes you did."

"Please, please just give me chance to…." it was rare that he be so entirely trite and yet in that moment the depth of his wrongdoing finally resounded. He knew that there were many, many storeys left to fall before he hit the bottom of the hole he had dug for himself.

"When Ken called you to the hospital. When you realised they needed help. When you signed the cheque. Fin you had _every _opportunity to talk to me about this but you actively chose to keep me in the dark. You say you didn't mean to lie to me but you're lying to me right now."

"Mel…."

"I'm going to stay at Rachel's tonight."

"Nah, nah don't do that, don't walk away, don't walk out on me we gotta talk this through and…."

"Fin you don't want me to stay here and finish this conversation. You don't want me to talk to you the way I'm feeling right now. I'm afraid of what I might say."

* * *

"So how are you feeling?"

"About my cannelloni? Because it is pretty freakin' good, maybe even better than that tiny Italian we went to near Eli's place in Chicago."

"Oh that _was _good cannelloni."

"But I'm guessing you weren't really asking me about dinner…." smiled Eve, topping off both her and Olivia's wine glasses and sighing back into her chair.

"No, no I wasn't."

"I'm good. I'm scared, a little confused I guess. I mean I know I've been living away from home for a while now but it's a really, _really _long way between her and San Francisco." And then, with a wry smile Eve shrugged, "I'm gonna miss my Momma."

"You are?" of course she was, but Olivia savoured her moment in the sun all the same. She hadn't even begun to think about how these dinners, the little moments, the time they spent together just mother and daughter was about to be cut yet again. How it would continue to be cut by every fray of the apron strings.

"Sure, sure I mean it's been pretty sweet having someone to do my laundry again."

"You're cute."

"I'm so proud of you Mom."

"Hey Brown graduate, I think you'll find that's my line!"

"Everything you've accomplished in your career, in your life. How you've grown and changed but never lost yourself. I want that. I want to do something, to say something, to make a difference."

"Babe you don't need me to tell you how incredibly proud and totally awestruck your Dad and I are by what _you've _accomplished."

"I guess what I kind of haven't said to you with all the crazy that's been happening lately was how grateful I am to you and Dad. For putting up with all my drama and whining and being a total nightmare at times. You got me to Brown in the first place and I just want you to know that I'm not going to waste it. I'm not going to let you down by just throwing away the opportunities it's given me."

"Evie I hope that…." hesitating a moment Olivia ventured carefully, "…. I hope that that wasn't the reason you turned down Calvin's proposal. I hope you weren't just afraid of how your Dad and I would react."

"You really think that if I'd wanted to say yes to him then I wouldn't have found a way to talk you both around to the idea?" grinned Eve, and they shared a knowing look. The opinion of her parents had never held great weight against the strength of her feelings for Calvin. Her judgement and rational decision making had rarely been affected by anything other than love and lust and blind devotion where he was concerned.

"Well, you might have a point there…." chuckled Olivia, setting down her fork and rolling her eyes at the memory of Eve and Calvin as unstoppable teenagers.

"It's not smart. It's not sensible. We're too young. It would just never work out. Who does that? Who apart from people in movies and cheesy TV shows meets the person they're going to be with for the rest of their life when they're fifteen years old?" shaking her head and spearing a twirl of pasta Eve laughed wistfully, "It's cliché, it's fairy-tale, it would _so not_ happen like that for us."

"Sweetheart I'm pretty sure that a lot of people meet that person when they're young. I mean I'm not saying that you should marry Calvin right now my any means. I just hate to see you walk away from anything or anyone because you're afraid. You have _always _been prepared to take a chance. When you were little you were always the first kid in the pool, the first one to raise her hand and volunteer."

"I'm still that kid. I'm still her. I just need to take a beat. It is just so all or nothing with us, you know? I mean we've tried being friends, we've tried the long distance thing but it only ever lasts so long. I really just have the strongest feeling that either something will happen and we'll somehow never see each other again or we'll spend the rest of our lives together. There's just no middle ground, no grey area. It's black and white; it's as simple as that."

"In that case I think you're doing the right thing going to California."

"You do?" asked Eve, because of every other opinion on the planet her mother's meant the most. It carried the most weight, it carried her.

"I really do."

* * *

"This isn't the part where you come here and act all cute and sweet and I change my mind. We need to be really, really clear about that. I'm not _going _to change my mind on this Sam."

"Leah I…."

"I'm HIV."

"I know that."

"That changes things."

"No, no it doesn't."

"It makes everything impossible."

"No it doesn't."

"Sam…." she warned, sat cross legged on her sofa nursing a can of coke while Sam sat opposite in his chair. Stalemate.

"I've been doing some research. I mean sure it makes things harder I guess, more complicated maybe. It means that sometimes you have to do things a little different than other people but luckily for you I've already gotten a PhD in that."

"It is **not **the same thing. You being in a wheelchair and me being HIV are not the same thing and even if there are similarities it doesn't really make it any better. In fact it only makes thing worse. All the things that make us great at being friends? They do not make is good idea for you to start kissing me."

"But I like you, Leah. I mean yeah you're my best friend but I'm also, you know, in to you. Like that, like in a more than friendly kind of way….." he really was just adorable sometimes. It broke her heart. It made it so much harder to stand her ground the way she was so determined to. His soft face, his openness, and the way she truly believed he meant every word he said. There was no side to Sam Stabler, no edge, no ulterior motive or concealed intent.

"You need to get over that."

"Why are you being so mean?" asked Sam, knowing it to be her favourite defence mechanism. "Why'd you always do this? Why'd you shove me away right when I know you're feeling like total shit? I know you are. I am too. So can you please just drop the crap and be, like, normal Leah not freaked out Leah."

"There isn't such thing as normal Leah. She doesn't exist!" she cried emphatically. A little manically, he noted, with unease. Something was different about her today. Usually her makeup was bright, bold colours and shimmer. Today she was plain faced, her brown skin unusually dull and her hair wild and entirely untamed. "You know that. The only Leah there is? The one that's scared, paranoid, and diseased."

"Shut up, shut up don't talk like that." He snapped, feeling the ground crumble a little beneath him and knowing that there was only one direction the conversation could go when she was this way out.

"You know where kisses lead? They lead to sex and I'm not going to be having sex. I know there are condoms; I know there are precautions you can take. I know that there are all these ways and means you can reduce the odds but you know what? It's not worth the risk. It's not worth the guilt. Sex is never going to be fun for me when the whole time I'm thinking about how if that condom splits the worst case scenario isn't that I end up pregnant it's that you end up HIV too."

"That is like a one in a big number chance and…." he had read a lot of literature, asked a lot of questions, spent hours and hours on the internet.

"I don't want kids. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to spend nine months trying to stop my kid getting infected because of me. Do you want kids? Have you thought about that?" honestly, truthfully, he had not thought past which movie he might try and persuade her to see with him on their first date.

"No, no I honestly haven't really thought about that. I haven't thought about a lot of things. I am just trying to get into college right now Leah. I have no clue whether I want to end up having kids. I have no clue if I will even be able to, you know, do that. I haven't even thought about where I'll be ten weeks from now let alone ten years so….."

"I don't even know if I'll _be here _ten years from now Sam!" her voice was like thick molasses. Rich, sweet but not saccharine and it coated the raw, brutal reality of her words in a way that made them sting less than they ought to by rights. She was incapable of that squeaky, impassioned whine that Eve always infuriated Calvin with.

"Of course you'll be here, that's insane. You've got HIV not AIDS."

"I've changed meds a million times already and I'm only twenty. What happens when they can't find a combination that works? What happens if I just get so resistant to the antiretrovirals that they can't even keep it down anymore?"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this…." he sighed, losing his grip on patience.

"I will die young. That's a given. That's inevitable. It will be messy and horrible and I don't want you there for that."

"Great, well, that's just great Leah. I'm glad that you made that decision all by yourself without even letting me have a say."

"You don't _get _to have a say. This is my decision, this is my disease, this is my crappy life!"

"You're off your meds, aren't you?" said Sam suddenly. As though the frosted glass had shattered and he could suddenly see clearly. He could see straight through her.

"Sam I'm not an idiot. I've not missed a dose since I was born."

"I didn't mean those meds….." he replied slowly, forcing her deep, dark eyes and adding determinedly, "… and you know it."

"Oh right, so because I won't be your girlfriend I must be depressed? I couldn't possibly just not fancy you. It couldn't be that you're just not really that attractive."

"I'm just going to go now. I'm not gonna sit here while you rip on me. Call me when you're ready to be play fair, Lee."

"You're not exactly a great catch yourself Sam!" she called, as he negotiated the various furniture obstacles and wheeled his way to the door.

"Sure, sure whatever, whatever you say."

"Wait, wait I didn't mean that..."

"Didn't you?" snapped Sam, turning sharply with both wheels and shooting her an intense glare. "Because honestly Leah I can't tell sometimes. I honestly can't tell whether you're just pissed off and upset and it's a day where you just can't deal or whether you're just a straight up bitch."

"Sam I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, yeah you always are."

"Please just come back here and we'll…." setting her soda can down on the coffee table with a thunk she clambered up from the sofa as he threw her a sharp tongued curveball that froze her movement.

"It's poisoning you Leah."

"I…." she stumbled, reaching a tense hand to her neck and hugging her arms around herself.

"It's not what's in your blood that's gonna kill you….." he said sadly, overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle her at her darkest, "… it's what's in your head."

* * *

"I mean we could leave out the grapes. That would be fine."

"But you like grapes?" puzzled Olivia, leaning into the fruit display and selecting a good looking punnet. "El you're hovering. It's annoying. Go do something useful. Go find me some almonds."

"Almonds?" he asked, rolling a grapefruit up and down his arm before tossing it back onto the pile. She was wearing a new t-shirt she'd bought him, navy blue that brought out his eyes. His jeans, she noted, were long overdue a retirement but they were his old favourites and so she let it slide.

"Stop playing with the food! Good God grocery shopping with you is worse than when the kids were toddlers!" she exclaimed, slapping his hands away and propelling him toward the cart. "Right, stand here. Stand here and guard this cart. That's your job, okay?"

"I thought I was fetching the almonds….." he was playing with her, teasing, gently poking at her prickly mood and she knew it. It made her smile despite her headache.

"I hate you so much sometimes."

"Let's not put almonds in either. They're the curly ones I don't like, right?" he asked, tilting his head and admiring the view as she leant over the banana display in her coral maxi dress.

"No, no you don't like cashew nuts. Almonds you like. Almonds are what I put on that salmon and…" pausing, glaring at him, rolling her eyes and then surrendering another reluctant smile Olivia sighed wearily, "… you know what? Forget it."

"Forget what? The salad? No! No I liked the sound of your new salad."

"My new salad recipe required me to mix grapes, raisins, almonds and carrot and you've vetoed all of the above. At this point it's just chicken and mayonnaise."

"Now _that _sounds like something I can get on board with!" he laughed, but then his face fell suddenly to see her stagger slightly off balance. "Babe?"

"I'm fine!" she rushed breezily, grabbing for his arm and steadying herself. "I'm not just used to these wedges."

"Liv I said you weren't looking good earlier. Did you take something for your headache? Did you bring water in your purse like I told you?"

"Will you please stop mothering me?" she protested, taking control of the cart and striding out toward the cooked meat aisle. "Come on, let's go, I need a pre-roasted chicken because Evie is nowhere near packed for tomorrow yet and I won't have time to cook."

"Olivia? Olivia stop, hold on a second."

"What?" she asked, a little sharply. "Are you about to veto the chicken as well? Should I just sit you down with a jar of mayonnaise and spoon or?"

"Don't do that, don't talk to me like that because you're pissed you're feeling sick."

"Please do not turn this into a thing. Please don't make us that couple who fight it out in the middle of a store."

"Then promise me you'll make a doctor's appointment for first thing Monday morning."

"Elliot…." rolling her eyes and turning her head she attempted evasion as always.

"I am not even kidding babe. I will make the biggest, ugliest, most mortifyingly embarrassing scene right here in the produce department if you do not swear to me that you will get checked over."

"Fine."

"Yeah?" he tested, because they had been here before and she had found a way to wriggle out of the commitment. "I have your word?"

"Yes….." she vowed quietly, meeting his eyes and conceding that even her stubbornness had limits, "… as soon as Evie is safely on that plane."


	4. It's Already Written

"As soon as we have the results of these tests we'll call you back in and talk through what we've found. All being well everything will be normal, your blood work and scans will all be clear and we can really just talk about some lifestyle adjustments."

"Fingers crossed…" nodded Elliot, reaching for Olivia's hand as they sat side by side in the doctor's office.

"So you'll call me?" clarified Olivia, "And until then I just carry on making sure I drink plenty and monitoring for all those things you wrote on this list."

"Absolutely, yes, that's right. Try not to worry, try not to take on any unnecessary stress and we'll check back in later this week when we've got the full set of first round results to work from."

"Okay then, well, thank you very much and I'll just wait for your call."

* * *

"So you don't like him? Gil?"

"I didn't say that. He's okay, he's cool, he's a good guy…." and then, because Sam was his buddy and he trusted him implicitly Calvin flashed a mischief grin and tipped his head, "…he's just kind of a square, you know?"

"He _is _kinda boring…." smiled Sam, as he and Calvin sat building model military aircraft in the Stabler back yard like old times, "…. but Texas, she's pretty into him right? She has his baby so I'm kinda hoping so."

"Tex hasn't exactly had the best track record where guys are concerned but I reckon she did good this time. She loves the dude. She really does. I'm happy for her." There was something so refreshingly simple about the way Calvin approached things, and the way he lived life. Sam felt truest equilibrium around hm. "You want another beer, bro?" asked Calvin, leaning down into the cooler and cracking the bottle top with his teeth because he knew Sam hated doing so but would never admit it for pride's sake. "Have at it."

"So I talked to Leah again last night."

"And? Has Crazy cooled off any yet?"

"Don't call her crazy, she's not. She's just got a lot going on that's all. Anyways, she was calmer. I mean she didn't change her mind or anything but I figure we're not in a fight so that's something right?"

"You know I'm really not the best person to talk to about this. I mean you need junkie mom 101 or to stop your best friend whoring herself out to pay rent, out or you're accidentally in love with a minor then I'm absolutely your go-to guy but…."

"You're insane, you're such an idiot….." sighed Sam, though in truth he knew it was just his friend's way. Calvin had listened to him talk for hours and hours about Leah over the years and so he knew his flippancy was only for lack of something new to say. His humour was bone dry and it was when it bordered impropriety the closest that Sam knew he cared the most.

"Livia."

"My Mom?" asked Sam, having thought Calvin had entirely tuned out and returned to gluing the side panels on an Apache. In reality he had clearly been mulling over the situation and Olivia was his solution.

"I can't think of a better person to help you figure out how to help Leah."

"Yeah, no, I can't talk to her about this."

"Sure you can….." said Calvin without hesitation, taking a sip of his beer and handing Sam the propeller blade for his model Chinook. "Man up bro, stop being such a girl about it and give Livia a chance to do what she does best."

"Dude, be real, what twenty year old guy talks to his mom about stuff like that?"

"You do."

"Calvin I'm serious."

"So am I."

"I…." but before Sam could protest further Calvin interjected.

"This isn't about you getting your fingers burned, it's not about how Leah turned you down and bruised your ego. It's about how that kid is a train wreck waiting to happen and you're her guy, you're her best friend, you're the person she goes to. You can't freak out on her now. You gotta grow a pair and step up."

"I guess my Mom does kinda know about all that stuff from her job. She's helped people with HIV and stuff. She knows how it all works."

"Yeah, yeah there's that. I was more thinking about how there's just no judgement with Livia, she doesn't pity you, she just listens and helps and I reckon that might be just what your little friend Leah needs. So just talk to her, do it, small Stabler."

"Maybe you're right, maybe I should."

"I am right and you definitely should."

"Humph."

"Your Mom's a fucking legend, bro….." shrugged Calvin, as though he were stating something as simple as the sky being blue or the earth being round, "… so put her in Leah's corner."

* * *

"So it really was for the restaurant?"

"Yeah, yeah no there's nothing sketchy about it."

"Fin they borrowed thirty thousand dollars from a loan shark and were naïve enough to expect it wouldn't end in disaster. I gotta tell you that sounds pretty sketchy to me. I thought Ken was smarter than that. Alejandro has always been too nice for his own good but Ken's streetwise, he knows how things work." Shaking her head Olivia struggled to believe what she was being told. It made no sense. Both the detective and the mother in her wanted to ask a million follow up questions, but instead she simply began with, "How'd he ever think this was going to work out?"

"They had this great investor lined up. The loan was only ever supposed to be a temporary fix until he came on board and then his cut was going to allow them to pay this guy back with plenty to spare."

"Only this dream investor flaked on their agreement?" nodded Olivia, finally beginning to piece together the puzzle that had led to Fin's current crisis. "They didn't maybe think to have him sign off _before _they…." remembering herself, and that she was not discussing a case but her dear friend's son Olivia bit her tongue and adjusted her tone, "…. so how did things spiral from there?"

"They were trying to get the restaurant off the ground and pouring every dime they had between them into that and soon they were just flat broke. They could make the payments, they couldn't even make half. They've sold their apartment, their car, every damn thing they owned trying to stay afloat."

"My God…." the true depth of the situation was only now beginning to sink in for her. In Fin's eyes she could see the same could be said for him.

"They've lost everything, Liv…." it was so rare, so very rare that she saw him even close to tears. Where his kids were concerned, however, he was vulnerable. Be it Ken or Alejandro, be it Georgia or Sam or Evie his Achilles heel was exposed.

"So you bailed them out." She understood now, she understood it all. Though it didn't excuse his deceiving of Melinda, though his handling of the situation had been horrible she at least could now see that it had not been with malicious intent. His keeping her in the dark was bizarre, uncharacteristic and puzzling but his desire to help his son was nonetheless honourable.

"When I saw Ken lying there in that hospital I just thought of Peach. Remember? Those guys hounding her that time? They wouldn't have stopped, Liv. They would've just beaten and beaten and beaten on those two until they had back what they were owed. I had to stop it."

"How's Melinda? I mean I know she's furious and I have to tell you she has every right. If Elliot pulled this kind of stunt I'd struggle to hold as much grace as she has."

"She's hiding out at Rachel's. I tried to contact her but she wants some time, some space. I guess I just gotta respect that and wait it out."

"Yeah, yeah I think you do. I think you need to trust that she'll come to you when she's ready to talk it through."

"I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know if I was thinking at all, at least of anything other than getting the money to Ken. Maybe I thought she wouldn't agree, maybe I was scared of us not being able to get past that."

"Fin if you couldn't trust that she would come through for your son with something like this then….. " wondering whether to say that which they both knew was true, she hesitated, before going there trustingly, "… well, then you've got bigger problems than your empty bank account."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry was that…." but no, no it wasn't too much, it was perhaps just enough. Anything less than the brutal truth from her would've been doing their friendship a disservice.

"Don't apologise, cheekbones. God knows I need my ass kicking and you're just about the only one other than Mel with the balls to do it."

"Fin are you okay?" she asked, because with him it was always so hard to tell. Between the situation still unfolding with Ken and his partner and the implications of his betrayal of Melinda there were so many question marks in his life. Even the strongest person would undoubtedly be blown off course.

"Tell me something good. Talk to me about baby girl. How's she doing? How's it going out West? She didn't call me yet and I'm pissed. You can give her that message from her Uncle Fin."

"She's pretty busy!" laughed Olivia, despite the thickness still blanketing the room. "She's doing really well though. Her job is good; the people are all nice and sound like they're being pretty welcoming and supportive. They keep inviting her to do things and helping her get to know her way around and make some friends."

"Well that sure as hell wouldn't happen in Manhattan!"

"She's got this cute little apartment she walked me round when we Skyped and she's sharing with a girl who works for some kind of environmental agency in the Bay. Oh, and on that note, she's now a cyclist."

"A what now?" smirked Fin sceptically.

"She rides her bike over the Golden Gate bridge every day to work…." clearly powerfully proud of her daughter Olivia nodded, "… so that doesn't sound awful."

"Good for her….." smiled Fin, his eyes sparkling with love as he thought of Eve, "… you go, baby girl."

* * *

"Morning!"

"Humph….." throat raw from too many cigarettes and a thick head Calvin peeled open his eyes and clicked his tongue groggily, "… what?"

"I said good morning sexy….." came the voice of a busty blonde who was languidly draped along the length of his body, "… so last night was pretty incredible….."

"You have to go."

"What?" she baulked, sitting up and dragging the white sheet of Texas and Gil's guest bedroom up around herself.

"You need to leave….." growled Calvin through still half open eyes as he escaped a heavy self-loathing sigh from deep in his soul, "….now."

"But I don't understand?"

"Which part are you struggling with?" he asked clearing his throat and reaching for the half bottle of warm beer on the nightstand. "We were drunk. We hooked up. Now it's morning and it's time for you to go home."

"So you really are that guy?"

"Yup."

"No, no you're not, you're…."

"What'd you think was gonna happen? I don't even know you're name. You really think we were gonna wake up and snuggle?" by God he missed the smell of Eve's hair when they cuddled. How he could fold her slender little frame into his bear like grasp and just lie with her, holding her, for hours and hours while time stood still. Sex was fine, sex was just physical but snuggling a sleepy, doll like Eve first thing on a morning was sacred.

"You're an ass. You're a total asshole…." she murmured, shaking her head and tearing up as she clambered out of the bed with her hair falling limply out of the previous evening's curls. "I hate you so much. You are _exactly _who all my friends warned me you were. I bet you do this all the time right? A quick suck and fuck and back to the desert?"

"I didn't hear you complaining last night."

"Go to hell!" she shrieked, now just about wearing her skin tight fuchsia dress and leopard print platform heels. "I hope you get shot in the eye! And my _name_ is Donna!"

"What hell did you do this time, mijo….." came a fond but wearily knowing voice in the doorway as Texas wandered into his room in her pyjamas with Elena on her shoulder, "…. or rather should I say _who _did you do this time?"

"Donna….." replied Calvin drily, "… apparently."

"Donna doesn't really seem like she was having such a great time from the way she just ran out of here yelling and screaming?" rolling her eyes and picking her way across the chaos Calvin created every time he came home on leave to stay at her apartment Texas took up a perch on the end of the bed.

"Oh no, no you're wrong she had a _great _time."

"You can't 'f' away the pain Calvin…." she said, deliberately mouthing the letter while pressing a kiss against Elena's hair, "… you told me that, you always told me that."

"I'm sorry I brought her back. That was out of line. I was kind of faded and I didn't think. I won't do that again. It's messed up now Leni's here."

"It was messed up long before Leni was here, mijo, but I appreciate your apology all the same."

"I'm gonna grab a shower and then maybe breakfast? My shout…." twisting that lopsided smile that just automatically forced her forgiveness Calvin shrugged, "…. take my girls out?"

"I know you're hurting. I know Evie just broke your heart all over again."

"No, no I'm fine."

"Cal….."

"I'm moving on….." clearly he was as yet failing miserably in his attempts, but it shocked her still that he seemed determined to continue trying, "…. for real this time."

"You've been trying to move on from that girl since you were nineteen years old, babe. What makes you think it's gonna stick now when it never has before?"

"Because it has to."

"You really are serious, aren't you?" she asked, turning fully toward him and ducking her head to catch his eyes on hers. "You're honestly going to give up on Evie after all this time?"

"It's not giving up on her. It's not like that. I just can't keep doing this. It's fucking killing me, Tex."

"Oh babe….." holding Elena tight against her with one hand Texas reached her other across the bed and rested it on his knee, "… I'm so sorry things didn't work out. I know how madly you're in love with her."

"I gotta let her go…" he choked gruffly, taking another chug of warm beer and wrapping the sheet around his waist shuffled toward the bathroom with a rasping sigh, "… I just gotta start letting her go."

"Cal?" she called, but when he turned around she didn't need to say anything. He knew.

* * *

"Oh my Dad is just crazy for baseball. He loves it. He takes us all to games just as often as he can."

"You're really close with your family, aren't you?" jet black hair and dark green eyes there was no doubting that Jack Winston was attractive. Eve had met him at the coffee cart on her first day at the marketing firm and they had hit it off right away. Since then then had spent most of her first two weeks in San Francisco together as he showed her the sights and sounds of the city.

"Do I talk about them a lot?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious. Throwing her purse over her shoulder she pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans and turned her face to the wind blowing across the bay. "Gosh it's just so beautiful here. There's no place like this in New York, not even Coney or Battery Park feel this free."

"Maybe we can make you into a West Coast girl….." he smiled, mirroring her gesture and pushing his hands lightly into the pockets of his khaki chinos. "I know I'd sure like it if you stuck around."

"Oh no, no I'm a New Yorker in my bones…." she laughed lightly, turning to him and meeting his gaze, "… but still, I think I might grow to like it here."

"So I've got tickets to the Giants game on Saturday, can I take you?" seeing her hesitate, seeing a flicker of some doubt, some nervousness, some fragment of her past he had yet to uncover in her eyes Jack quickly added, "Just as friends, if you don't want to make it a second date."

"I'd like that."

"So, just to be clear…."

"Jack I really want to be completely honest with you. Tonight was great, it was just so great. I had the best time. It was easy and fun and we have just tonnes in common and you're such a sweet guy."

"Oh God, uh oh, why does this sound like it's going to a bad place."

"It's not! Oh, I'm sorry did I make it sound that way? No, no I just, well, you see…." she was floundering, awkwardly, and so taking a breath she just fell quiet a moment. How could she ever find the words?

"Who is he?" by gosh he was smart, she thought. He was so nice, so kind and open she knew she owed him the same in return.

"It's pretty corny, it's so cheesy, it makes me sound like such a stupid kid…."

"Try me?" and so, taking a deep breath, she did.

"He was was my high school boyfriend. And just, well, he never really went away even when he went away. That doesn't make any sense, does it? I'm not making a very good job of this. I guess my point is that the Giant game sounds great, but can we maybe just see how things go as to whether it's a date or not? Is that awful? Am I being really unfair?"

"No, no actually Eve I think you're being about as fair as you could be. I really respect that, as it goes."

"Okay, okay good….." she nodded, almost coyly and feeling uncomfortable in her vulnerability when she spoke of Calvin and their past, "… well that's good then."

"Is he back in New York then? This Mr High School?"

"No, well, yes and no…." she barely knew Jack, she daren't confess to him yet how truly entangled Calvin was with her entire family, "….he's mostly down in North Carolina."

"A Southerner?" grinned Jack knowingly, with just a hint of playful teasing.

"No…." corrected Eve, and her sadness was as palpable to him as the profound love she clearly felt for this old flame, "… a solider."

"Oh, oh I see…." and, disheartened, he did so with perfect clarity.

"Anyways, we've talked enough about me. I think I could just about manage a dessert now….." she smiled warmly, "… you wanna go get ice cream at The Creamery and you can tell me all about growing up in San Jose? I'm sure you've got some stories to tell too?"

* * *

"Buddy you sure you don't want me to get Leah an extra ticket? She loves coming to ball games with us."

"Yeah, no, don't get her one."

"Sam, look, I know you're kind of going through it lately with your sister moving away and Cal leaving again but…."

"Dad can we, like, not do this?" asked Sam awkwardly, playing on his phone and deliberately avoiding his father's eyes. "It's fine, it's no big deal. Leah is just busy this weekend is all."

"Okay, okay sure no worries."

"By the way Vee was saying how now she's found a place to live it's cool for me to start thinking about getting out there to see her. I mean I've always wanted to see San Francisco and I'd love to check out Seattle if she was down for a road trip so….."

"I mean I think that's something we'd probably need to sit down with your Mom and talk about. Of course it'd be an awesome trip and you're old enough to make your own decisions with stuff like this now…."

"I feel like there's a 'but' coming?" observed Sam, finally putting his phone away and fully engaging in the conversation. "This is about me still not having gotten into a college yet isn't it? I'm just still figuring out what I wanna do with my life that's all."

"I know you are son and that's fine. That's okay and maybe this is the kind of trip that can help you get your head around stuff. We're just not made of money that's all. The flight will be expensive and then there's everything you'll have to pay for when you're out there. I'm not sure that your job at The Ice Shack is gonna be covering those kind of expenses."

"So I'll get another job."

"Right, right well now you're starting to think about things, that's good, that's what I…."

"Shit!" cursed Sam as a calamitous crash came from the bathroom and both men's heads whipped around.

"Liv? Olivia you okay? You drop something babe?"

"That didn't sound good…." noted Sam, following his father toward the source of the noise with his breath held.

"Olivia? Oh God! Liv? Liv….." falling to his knees beside Olivia who was collapsed on the bathmat with a nasty, bleeding gash across her temple.

"I'm fine! I'm fine I just got a little dizzy and I think I caught my head on the cabinet…."

"Sammy call 911."

"No! No I don't need that!"

"Do it, son!" yelled Elliot, as Sam whipped out his cell phone with trembling hands and did as instructed. Watching Elliot cradling his woozy, semi-conscious mother he explained the situation as best he could to the operator on the other end of the line.


	5. Forever Changed

"Diabetes?"

"The headaches you've been suffering, thirsty all the time, the dizziness that led you to fall and hit your head?"

"It's all connected?" asked Olivia, as Elliot stood anxiously at her hospital bedside.

"Yes, yes but the most important thing to keep at the front of your mind is that it's manageable. Now that we've identified what's going on we can start to work with you to minimise, if not entirely eradicate these symptoms with the proper balance of…."

"So you can cure her?" asked Elliot hopefully.

"Not quite…." taking care the doctor paused a moment. "Diabetes isn't a curable disorder as yet. Type 2, which is what we're talking about Olivia, is by far the most common. There are millions of people living with this disease and living their daily lives perfectly normally."

"Okay, okay so what do we need to do?" though Olivia was quiet Elliot took the lead. Holding her hand tightly in his he stepped up to the plate with an intensity that intimidated even the experienced doctor.

"We'll discuss diet, exercise, general lifestyle changes that we can make in order to manage your blood glucose. We'll check in regularly and we'll…."

"I don't understand how this happened though. I don't get how she could get something like this. I mean she's healthy. She exercises already; she eats way healthier than I do, than most people do. It doesn't make any sense to me."

"El back off …." reaching a soothing hand to his chest Olivia quietly instructed, "… he's on our side. Jumping down his throat isn't helping."

"But she'll be okay, right?" and there it was, realised the doctor.

The cause of the light shaking in Elliot's hands, the reason for his darting blue eyes unable to settle and the anxiety driven aggression he displayed was all too clear to the doctor. He doted on his wife like a senior taking his first girlfriend to prom. Just how deeply, how profoundly, how distractingly he loved this woman was evident. With a little smile, the doctor looked back at his patient and conceded he was not to be blamed. She had the look of an old movie star, before image trickery and clever editing could manufacture natural beauty. Had she been his wife, he might be equally inclined to grill her doctor on her behalf.

"Yes, yes Mr Stabler: she will."

"Okay, okay because that's what I need to know…." softening to a smile Olivia rolled her eyes, but as she did so they could not have been more full of love for her angry caveman.

"See?" arching a brow she added, "I told you I was fine."

"Well, yes and no. I'm not saying that you don't need to take action. What happened today, without the proper management of your diabetes, will undoubtedly happen again. Changes need to be made. You need to take really good care of yourself from here on out Olivia."

* * *

"Hi, hey, I brought you some things….."

"Well there's a face that's just made my morning!" beamed Olivia, wriggling up the sofa where she had been reluctantly taking things easy since her release from hospital a few days earlier. "What's up? What's going on? Come, sit with me."

"You're going out of your mind aren't you?" grinned Sam, wheeling himself to a park beside his mother and fishing into the paper bag he had brought home from the store.

"Well your father has me under house arrest so…." tutted Olivia grudgingly, before spying a magazine emerge from the bag and gasping lightly, "… oh! Good Housekeeping!"

"Mom you are officially ancient."

"Well that's just mean….." shooting up an eyebrow Olivia narrowed her eyes and gave him her best withering glare.

"How are you feeling? Any better?"

"Oh Sammy I'm just fine, it's all a lot of fussing over nothing…." but then, seeing the concern etched in his face as he glanced at the stitches in her temple she felt awful for being so flippant and dismissive, "…. what I mean is I'm feeling much better, baby, thank you."

"You suck at being sick. You're literally the most annoying patient, ever, I'm not kidding."

"I'm not sick, babe. I'm not. This diabetes thing? Not a big deal."

"Yeah, yeah no don't do that. It's not a good idea."

"What?" asked Olivia, a little puzzled. "What isn't a good idea?"

"You can't just act like everything is just the same as it was, like nothing's changed. It won't help. It'll just wind up making you worse off. You just gotta, you know, accept that you're gonna have to do things differently from now on."

"Sam…."

"I mean it Mom. You have to take care of yourself like the doctors said. You're no different to any other person who has diabetes, even if you think you can just, like, will it away or whatever. You can't out-stubborn your glucose level. That's a fact right there."

"Out-stubborn my glucose level?" she chuckled, because he was funny. He was her warm, funny, incredibly kind young man. "Okay, okay I'm hearing you son. I am listening and I'm hearing what you're saying."

"Remember all the things you told me after the accident? About how I could still have an awesome life and do crazy, cool things but that I had to accept that being in a chair was a part of who I was?"

"I vaguely remember saying something along those lines…."

"Just straight up denying that there's anything wrong? Thinking that you can front out a legit and pretty serious disease or disorder or whatever it is? That's not being strong Mom…." smiling despite the scolding, because of just how completely right he was Olivia nodded as Sam added, "… it's just stupid."

"You are an incredible human being Sam Stabler."

"Mom, don't do that, don't go all sappy on me I was just saying that…."

"I'm your mother and I can _go all sappy on you _whenever I want. That is my prerogative. That is my right. You don't get a say in that, baby boy."

"Okay, okay this is going to an awkward place, stop that. You can do this lovey lovey stuff with Vee but I can't handle it. I'm a guy; we don't do that with our moms."

"Have you seen Leah lately? She hasn't been around the house and…."

"Okay, no, no we're not doing this either. I think I preferred the sappy love in. Can we go back to that?" he mumbled, realising it as the lesser of two evils. "Either that or I was thinking how we should probably go through all the food in the house and throw out anything you can't eat anymore."

"Oh boy, your Dad will _love _that kiddo."

"It's solidarity."

"Yeah, yeah, no I don't think El will see it that way. His nutritional pyramid is foundered on sugar and E numbers."

"Well he can suck it up….." smiled Sam amusedly, reaching out for Olivia's hand and dragging her up from the sofa, "….because Team Stabler is launching an out and out attack on your glucose level and anyone refusing to play ball can find another household to be a part of."

"I am so excited for you to have this discussion with him."

"He'll get on board….." said Sam with confidence, despite their joking, because if nothing else the one thing he could rely on in life was how unconditionally his father loved his mother, "… he'll bitch about like the old man that he is, but he'll get on board."

* * *

"She got so big already!"

"I have to remember to swap her to my other arm or I'm gonna get like an awkward lean…." snickered Texas, as she fluttered around the Stabler kitchen clearing up and making coffee, "… you hungry? I can fix you a snack? A super healthy and no fun at all snack?"

"Texas you're supposed to be the guest. I invited _you _over and now you're tidying my kitchen and doing my job as hostess."

"Oh hush up, don't even go there you know I'm best when I'm busy….." came a dramatic arm gesture and flash of a grin as Texas ducked down to the lower cupboards to fetch mugs with Leni pinned against her chest.

"Have you started thinking about daycare? For when the time comes?" from her breakfast bar perch Olivia made cooing, comical faces at the rapidly growing Elena who waved enthusiastically in response. "I know you said you were pretty adamant you want to go back to nursing."

"I hate the thought of not being home with her but I can't stand the thought of not working either. Gil is always saying over and over how we don't need my wage. I know we'd be just fine. I know he can support us but that's not me."

"I mean it's something you could consider while she's tiny….." ventured Olivia tactfully.

She knew that where her decision to go back to work had been entirely based on her passion for her job it was not necessarily the case with Texas. Yes she had a compulsion to care for people, to fix things, and that undoubtedly made her an incredible nurse. Yet Olivia couldn't help but suspect her reluctance to allow herself to become entirely dependent on future lawyer Gil Amaro was owing to a deeply rooted fear of abandonment. She had been let down so many times by so many people that her ability to trust was deeply impaired. She and Calvin had a lot in common in that respect.

"Can you eat apricots?" head in the refrigerator Texas deliberately evaded Olivia's earlier suggestion.

"I have no idea."

"Do you _want _to eat some apricots?" it made Texas giggle to see the look of abject despair on Olivia's face. Perhaps, it would seem, she was not the first person to attempt to feed her up.

"What I _want _is to get some cuddle time in with this little munchkin and have you all stop fussing over me…." smiled Olivia warmly, sliding from her stool and making starfish fingers as she walked over to an increasingly beside herself Elena. "Are you going to come play with Aunty Olivia? Are you, big girl? Oh come here Leni baby, come here….." more than willing to hand Elena over Texas stood with her hands on her hips in satisfaction.

She loved Nick and Cynthia and they made wonderful grandparents but it was truly the most heart-warming feeling in the world to see her daughter so besotted with Olivia. It felt, in some strange way, as though she had a maternal grandmother too. Texas would never say it, she would never assume, Olivia had already been far too generous to her over the years. But she thought it, in the quiet moments when she watched the two of them play. There was no greater female role model on earth that she could have wished for her daughter than Olivia Stabler.

"So have you heard from Calvin lately?" asked Olivia, once Elena was safely snuggled into her shoulder. Kissing the baby's head she saw a sadness fall over Texas.

"He wrote me an e-mail about a week ago. Things are kind of hectic back on post. He's getting more responsibilities and he doesn't say it but I think all these news reports about Iraq and Iran are kind of on his mind."

"I'm not surprised….." said Olivia hesitantly, having had the same fears they all had on seeing the situation escalating in the Middle East. It felt, in many ways, as though it were only a matter of time until the US weighed in.

"I send him photos of Leni and stupid little stuff to make him laugh. He was in kind of a rough place when he left New York….."

"Sam said he was drinking a lot again?"

"Yeah, yeah I mean he's fine. He won't derail; he's too smart for that. He's always drunk a lot and he can handle it but he won't touch other stuff. I trust that, I trust him."

"Texas I have to ask….." began Olivia slowly, choosing her words carefully as she patted the baby's diaper.

"No, no Liv you don't have to ask…." replied Texas with a sigh, looking at Olivia knowingly and nodding, "… you already know the answer."

"I know he proposed. I know she turned him down. He was so sure he just had to wait for her to finish college and then she heads off to San Francisco and….." realising she had fairly accurately surmised the situation Olivia felt the need to be sure, "… so I'm right then? It's Evie?"

"Honestly Olivia I'm scared that for him it will _always _be Evie. I don't know how to help him with that. He can screw half of New York and he won't shake her. He can drink himself unconscious and he'll still wake up in love with her."

"I'm really tied on this one. I have to be honest. I love Calvin, I do, but she's got big dreams. My girl has big dreams and I can't help but agree with her that she can't really live them from Fort Bragg."

"You tell Evie yet about the diabetes?" it was clear, that Olivia was guilty as charged and Texas shook her head disapprovingly. "You know she'd kill you if she knew you were keeping it from her. She never lies to you. She is alarmingly honest in a way no daughter should be."

"Is that right?" smiled Olivia, enjoying Texas' playful teasing.

"You owe her the same respect Olivia. You owe her that same trust she has in you."

"Wow, wow you're bold standing in my kitchen telling me how to handle my relationship with my daughter."

"You mad at me?" as close as they had become over the years, there was a heart stopping moment in which Texas feared her big mouth and frank approach to life had landed her in trouble once more. She did nothing by halves. Once she took people as family she treated them accordingly and, for a long time now, the Stabler clan had become just that.

"Only because you're right….." muttered Olivia as she kissed Leni's hair and flashed a wry smile.

* * *

"Can you hear me, darling?"

"Where am I?" came the confused, gurgling choke from the bed as their victim's eyes peeled open and blinked blearily at them.

"Oh hi, hey there darling, it's okay, you're safe. You're in the hospital. You're at San Francisco General and….." shooting eyes up at her partner the detective muttered under her breath, "… Porter go get the nurse, the doctor, anyone so that we're not the first people here when she wakes up. We'll get our asses handed to us."

"I have to go…."

"No! No, honey don't do that! Don't pull that out….." rushing her hands to cover the girl's she attempted to stop her wrenching the IV drip from her arm and to gentle coax her back down onto the bed. "It's okay, honey. I'm a police officer. My name is Jen Radcliffe and I'm here to help you."

"I don't need help."

"Honey your arm is broken, you're all bruised and you can't go anywhere. The doctor is on her way. You have to sit tight. I know you don't want to, I know this is just horrible, it's horrible and….." she reminded the detective of her little sister, such a pretty face but with such weight held behind those bright blue eyes. It tore her heart to shreds knowing that once the shock wore off the purest form of hell would follow after it.

"You can't make me stay here I have to go to work. I have to go to work and I have to feed Tanya's cat and….."

"Who's Tanya, honey? Is that your friend?" as the doctor entered the room she held back a moment, trusting a detective she had known and liked for many years to be sensitive in her approach and not detrimentally affect the health of her patient. "Darling what's your name?"

"Are you the doctor? Can I go now? I'm going to be late for work."

"Yes, yeah I'm Doctor Turner…" red haired, serious in her demeanour but with a strangely affecting compassion in her presence the young doctor moved toward the victim's bedside, "… and Detective Radcliffe is only trying to help you. We couldn't identify you when you came in last night."

"Is there someone we can call now? Someone could come be with you?" said the detective, whose eyes lifted for a moment to meet the doctor's. "We have just a few questions we need to ask you about what might have happened…."

"I don't want that. I don't want you to call anyone. Nothing happened. I'm fine."

"Honey….."

"I just want to go home and clean up….." heavy, dark lashes batted over tear filled blued eyes as the girl growled determinedly, "… but I am **fine **so if you could just let me go I….."

"Darling we can't let you shower until we've asked you a few questions."

"To be clear, if you don't want to talk to the detectives right now you don't have to. If you're still tired, if you need to rest that's okay. We can talk about any pain you might be in and if you need….."

"I know this is impossible. I know it is. What you're feeling right now? It's just too much to bear. We're here to help you, honey. Doctor Turner and I are going to do whatever we can. We just need your help too. I know that right now you can't think about any of it. All you want to do is hide away. Believe me you're not alone there, it's natural, it's normal, it's how everyone reacts."

"Detective I think that we need to my patient a little room to breathe here and everything else can wait….." not everything, said the detective's eyes. The doctor understood her intimation and sighed reluctantly.

"I promise you, honey, that we….."

"Don't touch me!" came the shriek, as the young girl retracted her arm from the detective's grasp as though burned by flame."

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I apologise, I understand."

"No, no I understand…." covering her face with the arm that wasn't bound in plaster the victim asserted, "… I wasn't raped."

"What's your name, darling?" asked the detective, her eyes narrowing as she sensed there was far more to their victim than met the eye.

"I'm not confused. I'm not in denial. It isn't a defence mechanism, it's just the truth….." closing her eyes, turning away, squeezing her eyelashes so tightly she began to see colourful lights and swirling patterns on the inside of her lids the girl fell silent.

"Okay….."

"He didn't rape me….." she repeated, once she had rediscovered her voice, but this time the detective was convinced, "… I'm okay."

"I know you are. I know that. You're strong, you're strong, honey, and that's what's going to get you through this but you need to know that it doesn't make what he _did _do okay and…."

"Can I change my mind?" backed into a corner, frightened, standing against a wall the patient relented. "Can I give you a number to call? It's out of state …."

"Of course, of course, here write it on this this….." said the doctor, offering up her clipboard and pen, "… so it's an Olivia Stabler I'm trying to get hold of, and she is…."

"My mom…."


	6. Deep Blue Need You Eyes

"She's different now."

"She's been through hell, Sam."

"I know that."

"Are you the same person you were before the accident?" challenged Leah, as she and Sam lay side by side in the Stabler back garden. The question hung in the quiet, the deafening silence around them. There was no laughter there anymore thought Sam. Not since Elliot had brought home from California.

"No, no I'm not."

"When you go through something like that it changes you. I mean sure in time you recover, you get over it, you survive it but you're never the same. Everything you knew, you believed, you trusted before is gone. Her trust is gone."

"She was just always so….." struggling to find the word Sam played with the strings of his sweatpants, winding them around his fingers and then releasing them, "… alive."

In truth he had often resented it, particularly as a child. He had never admitted it, not even to himself, but it had always been there. Dormant, bubbling, carefully parcelled in just how much he adored, admired and deeply loved her. She had just always taken up all the space. When Evie Grace Stabler walked into a room the air went out. So pretty, smart, quick witted, so eloquent, with Elliot's dry humour and Olivia's warmth. People flocked to her. He had envied it, he had longed for that kind of magnetism. Now it brought him to tears how he would do anything, anything in the world, to envy her that way again. Anything to breathe that life back into his sister.

"Has she started talking yet?" asked Leah, hauling herself up from the grass and crossing her legs. Sitting upright she looked down at Sam. He was exhausted. The whole family was but he was the one she was most concerned with. He was the one she was here to look out for, to take care of.

"No…." mumbled Sam sadly. The heart-breaking reality of the matter was that Eve had barely left her room in over a week. Just a shadow of her former self, a ghost wandering lost where the vivacious and irresistible Evie G had once danced.

"Not even to your Mom?" because, they all knew, if anyone could reach her then Olivia could. If she was not ready to talk to her mother then she was not ready to talk to the world.

"When Dad went to get her in San Francisco she talked to the police a little. She did what they asked her, she answered their questions and stuff. It's not the same thing though."

"I suppose it isn't. Do they think they'll be able to catch the guy? I heard your Mom on the phone to Fin, it seems like she wasn't the only girl he targeted?"

"I don't know. I don't think Evie cares. I don't think the _pursuit of justice _is even on her radar right now. She smells gross. She's just, like, vegetating in her room. She only gets up to pee and since she's not really drinking that is next to never."

"Is there anything I can do?" asked Leah, but the look Sam gave her in reply said it all. Her very presence was enough. It was everything, to him at least. It brought comfort and reassurance to Elliot and Olivia too, that he had someone there, to talk to, to listen. Leah was old beyond her years and though she and Sam had still not worked beyond their almost kiss it didn't matter. For the time being all that matted was that she was there.

* * *

"I need you to eat the sandwich Evie."

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't care. Babe you haven't eaten in nearly three days and it is not okay. I won't allow it, I won't accept it. I am going to sit here until you at least try and at something."

"Mom please just leave me alone?" sighed Eve, dark circles heavy under her eyes and her usually tan skin pale and wan. Her long hair was lank, unwashed, scraped tightly into a messy pile at the crown of her head. Lying in a foetal position, body hugged tightly into a pillow with her face half masked by her duck covered comforter she lay motionless. Numb.

"We both know that is not going to happen. It's not an option. I hear you telling me you're fine. I hear you asking to be left alone but I won't do it, baby girl. I **will not** leave you on your own. I'm not going anywhere. I am going to sit, right here, day and night. That is just how it's going to be."

"Whatever."

"Evie….."

"I love you Mom. I love you for what you're trying to do and I am trying so hard not to be a bitch but…"

"It's okay."

"No, no it isn't."

"Baby I get it. I understand, believe me. I wish I didn't but ….." for the first time Eve's eyes found Olivia's across the room.

Hershey kisses. That's what Sam had called them when he was little. His pudgy little hands used to roam Olivia's face and as he'd smashed his kisses into her cheeks he had described his mother's eyes like the candy. She had thought it childish, stupid, one of those daft things her little brother always used to say. Now it didn't seem quite so frivolous. In fact, in truth, she had never realised such profound comfort as she did in that moment; losing herself in those deep brown circles of unconditional love.

"You do?" she managed quietly, thick lashes blinking over exhausted eyes. Elliot's baby blues, that bright clarity; that sparkle had gone and had left only sadness and defeat.

"Babe what you're going through? All the things in your head and your heart? What you're thinking and feeling?"

"Mom?" what had she been through, what darkness had she seen. Eve hadn't the capacity to ask in that moment, not when she herself was still so raw. Yet, with a smile as fragile as a tiny bird she acknowledged her mother's unspoken pain. Like the thin layers of an onion she uncovered the ever increasing depths of her mother's beautiful soul. There was another story to tell. Not then, not yet, but when the time was right.

"I am walking a really, really difficult line between being your mom and an SVU detective but either way you have to know that it's okay. It is okay to want to just crawl into a hole. It is okay to want to hide away. It's natural, it's normal; it's a human reaction after going through something like this."

"But I wasn't raped….."

"And I thank God for that every minute I'm breathing, but it doesn't make what you feel any less devastating. It doesn't make your pain any less real."

"It's not like it was anything I haven't done before. I mean it's not like I was a kid or, like, a virgin or something. I've let guys….." breath caught in her throat Eve felt her eyes sting hot, her pulse quicken, her back dampen with sweat, "…. I mean it was basically just third base, right? It's no big deal."

"Oh baby, oh my…." breathed Olivia, forgetting all of Georg Huang's advice about distance and physical space, allowing the trauma to breathe. Riding on pure maternal instinct she crossed the room and sunk down onto the bed beside Eve. Stroking at her hair, her face, cupping her tear stained cheek in her palm she shook her head devastated, "Is that what you think? Is that what's been torturing you?"

"I…."

"The difference? The fundamental, inalienable, unforgivable difference between what you're describing and what that monster did you to you?" the power of Olivia's stare was so intense, so determined, so fiercely and impassionedly defensive it made Eve's heart stop. "Consent."

"I know it all, all the rules, all the precautions; how to be smart. All the things you said? Every word of advice you ever gave me. You and Dad were so good, so protective, so careful. I had too much to drink. I was wasted. I shouldn't have left the club on my own. I forgot my coat inside which was so dumb. I was that girl. I was that stupid, slutty, idiot girl who thinks she's invincible after a few too many cocktails and…."

"Stop it."

"I knew better."

"Stop it, stop this _right now_…."

"You taught me better, Mom!"

"Hey! Hey you listen to me, you listen to me and you hear me Evie Grace when I tell you that this was **not your fault**, do you hear? Don't you dare blame yourself, don't you dare. It doesn't matter how drunk you were, it doesn't matter what you were wearing or whatever else you might have done or not done that night it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. What he did was violent and cruel and most of all it was illegal. You know why it was illegal?"

"Because I begged him to stop?" was the teary, completely broken answer from Eve that tore Olivia's heart into a million tiny pieces. Razor sharp, cutting and snagging at her soul as she tumbled into an ever deepening void of helplessness.

"Evie…."

"Don't cry Momma, don't cry, it's okay, I'm okay….." the only pain worse than that already eating her alive was seeing her mother's tears, "… don't cry, please?"

"I won't push you, sweet girl. I promised we could do this your way. I swore to you that I would let you figure this out in your own time but I really just feel like I need to ask you again to talk to my friend George. He's a good guy, he is a really, really good guy. He won't make you do or talk about anything you don't want to."

"I don't need a shrink."

"I know you think that. I know you don't need help. I know you just want me but this is bigger than me, babe. Your Dad and I? We're detectives we're not….." realising for the first time what it was to stand on the opposite side of the glass. To be the family, to be the ones struggling, grasping, failing to find that compromise between comfort and tough love.

"I'll eat the sandwich….." and then, realising that with permanent nausea and a stomach that hadn't felt food in three days she may be overextending herself Eve added quietly, "… at least I'll try."

"Okay, okay that's good, that's…." it was a start, thought Olivia with unspeakable relief. It was a baby step, a tiny, tentative little step back from the ledge. Anything that would prevent Eve from slipping over the edge either mentally, emotionally or physically was a victory.

"Will you do something for me?" and when Olivia gave her look that simply said 'anything' Eve fished a piece of chicken from between the two slices of whole-wheat and swallowed it painfully. "Calvin…."

"What about him, baby?"

"I haven't written him in a while. He's worried. We normally talk all the time but I haven't replied since…."

"I had no idea the two of you were still in contact like that?" despite herself, despite everything else Olivia felt the corners of her mouth lift ever so slightly.

"Just stupid stuff, you know? Texts, e-mails or whatever."

"Sure….." nodding slowly Olivia watched the tiniest flicker of light return to Eve's eyes as she talked and made laborious work of tiny slices of chicken.

"Will you send him something saying how I had to go somewhere on business? Somewhere far, somewhere I'm going to be gone for a while."

"Evie….."

"Maybe an internship in Europe? Or a marketing opportunity opened up in Vancouver or something. He hates Canada. I have no clue why."

"How can you hate Canada?" asked Olivia, forgetting herself again. And, for the shortest fraction of a second, the crashing waves stopped. There was a respite. Eve came the closest she had come to a smile since the attack as she shrugged and rolled her eyes.

"Because he's an idiot…." and there they were, those dimples. Eve was still in there somewhere.

Olivia felt her heart rate quicken to see how Eve had relaxed a little. Her body had lost a fraction of that tensed terror. The anguish in her eyes lost the bite from its sting. She took a whole bite of her sandwich. It was in that moment that Olivia decided that though she would indeed contact Calvin, but it would not be to tell him that Eve was in Europe.

* * *

"Can't sleep?"

"What are you even _doing _here?" came the weak, but crushingly happy little gasp from Eve as a familiar figure sloped up the Stabler driveway to where she was sat on the doorstep. Knees hugged in to her chest, her good arm clasped around them and her broken at her side she shook her head mystified. "Where did you even come from?"

"The bus, and, in case you were wondering….." his voice was deep, rich and gravelled and it threatened to thaw her iced over soul as he flashed a half smirk, "…. it's a fucking mission away. Google lies."

"Who told you?" she asked, because she knew why he was here.

"Little bird….." he shrugged, but his eyes whispered Livi. She thanked God for her mother's unfailing ability to know her better than she knew herself.

"How are you even allowed to be here? Are you AWOL right now Arliss?"

"No. No I am not. I just pitched a case to my CO that I was owed some carry over from last year and that I wanted to take it now. I told him my buddy was going through something….." hitching up the legs of his khakis Calvin fell down beside her and, turning his head to the side, met her eyes and smiled, "…. and I needed to go have her six."

"You're sweet but I'm fine, really, I…."

"The hell you are."

"Cal….." she sighed, shaking her head and turning away.

"I'll kill him."

"What?" with a sharp intake of breath her head whipped back around to face him. Eyes wide, hair messy and barely brushed after her first shower in over a week falling in her face she furrowed her brow and searched his face. He meant it. "No, no that's…."

"No one hurts you Evie: no one."

"I…."

"If they ever find him, if they ever find that bastard. I'll break his neck. No questions, no conscience, any one touches you, anyone touches a hair on your head Bambi….." the midnight air held a chill and his passion, his anger, his wild eyes of love and devotion lifted the hairs on her arms and at the nape of her neck, "… and I will end them."

"He tasted like Sambuca." She said suddenly, the memory rushing from an unlocked corner of her broken heart.

"I should've been there….." cursing himself, cursing himself over and over despite the impossibility of him having been there to protect her. It was his duty. He had failed her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be stupid, don't talk crazy. You couldn't have been there."

"I fucking hate Sambuca."

"I did fight. I fought….." with a small voice but one that could not be silenced Eve added defiantly, "….hard."

"I believe you….." he rasped, his eyes pouring over her with awestruck admiration, "… by God I believe you."

"Cal can I ask you something?" though everything else, every other thing in her world had changed he was just the same. That same solid, unwavering presence, that same muscled, heavyset frame betrayed by the gentle smile of the most loyal soul in the world. Part feral, combatant lion heart and part golden retriever: that was her Cal.

"Yes."

"You said something once. When your mom died. You said that she was broken in a way that only God can break a person. That she was just so screwed up nothing would ever be able to fix her, to save her. She was just lost."

"Evie…."

"Did you really believe that?"

"You are not my Ma, baby."

"So you do think it's possible."

"For her, yes. For you?" he asked, and then simply answered. "No."

"He broke my arm…." she swallowed, and he said nothing. He just sat beside her, their shoulders close but not touching. "Is it sick that I was glad?"

"Maybe?" he was so honest, so beautifully, blissfully honest and real.

"Then all I knew was the pain. It was a good pain. Like, somehow, as long as I could still feel it….."

"So I'm gonna hold your hand now."

"What?"

"See my hand? I'm just gonna….." holding his arm outstretched, his fingers in a starfish, no sudden movement, no surprises, intention perfectly clear Calvin lay his hand over Eve's, "… that cool?"

"Yes…." she nodded slowly, managing a brave smile. He got it. He understood. She trusted him.

"Okay then…." came the gruff reply, as he fixed his eyes on the horizon. The moonlight caught a solitary tear escape down Calvin's cheek and she clutched his hand tightly in the darkness.

* * *

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"What's going on? What's happening?" and then, because it was all of their first thoughts lately Elliot shook himself away and asked, "Mouse okay?"

"You know something? She's not, she's still a long way from okay, but for the first time since this whole nightmare started….." standing at their bed Olivia sighed exhaustedly and managed a smile, "… I'm daring to hope she might be eventually."

"You not in with her tonight?" he asked, because Olivia had slept on a mattress at the side of Eve's bed since her first night back in New York.

"No, no and you should come see why….." said Olivia, tying the belt of her dressing gown and gesturing toward the bedroom door, "… come on, it's worth it, I promise."

"I thought we weren't letting her be on her own?" he asked, gathering himself up out of bed and wandering after her down the hall as they spoke in whispered hushes.

"She's not on her own….." came Olivia's poignant reply as she gently pushed open Eve's door a crack and Elliot unconsciously held his breath.

Eve was in her usual foetal ball, her broken arm tucked in against her chest with her knees. The difference, however, was that her good arm hung over the edge of the bed and her hand was tightly gripped in Calvin's, who lay on an inflatable mattress on the floor beside her. He wasn't sleeping. He was on guard. His green blue eyes pierced the darkness and met Elliot's, and the older man smiled.

"You taking a turn on watch, solider?"

"Affirmative."

"We're just down the hall."

"Ten four…." nodded Calvin slowly, as his relationship with Elliot gained a new found depth of understanding. This was Eve's biggest battle yet, this was war, and they were comrades.

"Anything she needs….." whispered Olivia, reiterating what she had said when she had brought the two of them in from the doorstep, "… anything _either _of you need."

"Roger that."

"Hey? Hercules?" said Elliot, lingering in the doorway as Olivia made to return to their room. Holding the younger man's eyes he nodded slowly and spoke tensed jawed, "Look after her?"

It was more than the words; it was the meaning behind them. Elliot had no qualms, no doubts, no hesitation in returning to bed with Olivia and leaving Eve on Calvin's watch. Calvin choked, momentarily, on realising the implication. Despite everything that had happened, Eve's accident, his history, their initial apprehension around his past and his intentions. It had been a long road, it had been a hard one, but it had been worth it. He had gained their respect, he had proved himself. They trusted him with Evie.

"Always, sir."


	7. Little Girl Hiding In The Dark

"HEEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!"

"EVIE!"

"NO! NO! STOP! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP!"

"Evie wake up, baby wake up!"

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Evie? Evie? Baby, baby wake up!"

"Help me….." as Olivia scooped a sweat drenched Eve up from the pillow and drew her into her arms she whispered terrified, "… help me?"

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm right here sweet girl. I am right here, I've got you. You're safe. It wasn't real, it was just a dream, it was another nightmare."

"But it wasn't….." limp in her mother's arms Eve rested her cheek against Olivia's shoulder and stared numbly out into the darkness of her bedroom, "… it _was _real."

"Evie, oh baby, oh baby girl….." breathed Olivia, stroking at her daughter's long hair and then clutching her face close against hers, kissing at her cheek and tasting the salt of tears.

"They took pictures of me. They put things….."

"Who did, sweetheart?" asked Olivia, switching positions so she could comfortably sit on her feet and cradle Eve against her chest. Holding her, childlike, in her arms she asked softly, "Who took pictures of you? For the rape kit?"

"Where were you?" the words cut Olivia deeper than she knew she went. Wounded a corner of her soul so intimate, so vulnerable she couldn't breathe. Just staring, helpless, her mouth moving and making shapes but no sound followed. "Why didn't you come?"

"I…." she finally managed, but it nearly choked her. She felt nauseous, as though she might vomit her heart so lodged was it in her throat. Evie, sweetheart, I…."

"Dad was great but…." pulling away a little Eve looked at her with that same expression she had worn during their first meeting after the attack. As Elliot had escorted her through the arrivals gate Olivia had stood waiting Eve had been unable to meet her mother's eyes. Olivia had assumed it was just one of the many aftershocks of assault but now she was unsure. "They were asking me all these questions. Poking me like a stuffed pig. Swabbing and scraping and taking their pictures. I needed you Mom. I really needed you to be there and…."

"Eve I wanted to come. I wanted to fly out with your father so badly but…."

"What?" she couldn't tell her, not now, it was too much. Eve had the whole world on her shoulders and adding to that the burden of Olivia's recent ill health was surely a devastation too far. Yes she was learning to manage the diabetes, yes the stitches on her head had been removed and there was barely a scar, but she wouldn't see it that way. Olivia remembered all too well, remembered in agony, how anything and everything after Sealview and felt impossible. Eve had to believe her invincible; she had to believe she was the unshakable rock on which she could rebuild herself.

"I'm here now, Eve. I am here and I am going to **be here** every step of the way. We're going to get through this, you and me: together."

"I want to believe you."

"Oh babe….." whispered Olivia, because she knew that look of utter desolation in Eve's eyes. Eve didn't ask any further questions as to Olivia's not coming to San Francisco. She had to trust her. She had to trust that whatever had prevented her from coming would validate her absence. She had to trust that if she could've been there she would have. She had to trust her, because, if couldn't cling to that, cling to her, then it really was the end of the world.

"I want to believe that one day this will all be over, that I'll feel like me again."

"It will be, it will, it just…."

"Right now though it feels like it won't ever be over, every time I close my eyes he's there, ever night I have the same dream that it's happening all over again….." squeezing her eyes closed and burying her face in Olivia's neck she clutched at her mother's forearm, digging her fingernails into the skin, "…..I don't think I'll ever be that same person I was before."

"You won't be, baby."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to live like a normal person again."

"It changes you Eve, it does, but that doesn't mean you won't ever be you again. You just won't be the same you that you were before."

"Mom…."

"What, baby? What is it?" asked Olivia softly, knowing that a time would come when she would tell her story. A little further down the road, when the blood had begun to clot over Eve's now still open wounds she would share Sealview with her. Tonight, however, she simply held her and listened.

"Do you think that, maybe, maybe you could sleep up here tonight?" hiccoughing through tears Eve met her mother's eyes and managed the most beautifully broken smile. Crying hot, helpless, inconsolable tears Olivia kissed at her face and hair as Eve squeaked shakily, "I'm not okay, Momma. I'm not okay."

"I know you're not, angel. I know you're not and of course I'll sleep up here tonight. Here, come on, lie down, lie down with me…." she coaxed soothingly, settling Eve down and drawing the little yellow ducks over them both. Hugging her body tight into Eve, making them one form, one person, as close as it was physically possible to be she curled her arms tight around her waist and whispered into her ear softly, "I'm just gonna hold you, baby. You try to sleep. I'll stay awake, I'll stay awake and I will hold onto you until you're ready for me to let go, sweetheart."

"Tighter."

"Okay, okay but I don't want to hurt your ribs. Your bruises?"

"Don't let go, Momma…." choked Eve, reaching her unbroken arm down and laying her hand over Olivia's as they clasped around her middle, "… don't **ever** let go."

* * *

"This is hard time for you too, buddy."

"I'm not the one that got attacked Dad."

"No, no that's true but that doesn't mean you're not affected by it. Seeing your sister this way? It's hard. It's a hard thing."

"For all of us."

"I guess I just wanted to check in with you….." said Elliot, as he and Sam prepared dinner together. Olivia had been out running errands all day and was now sat in Eve's room attempting, without success, to get her to agree to a home visit from therapist.

"It's easier with Cal around…." and at that Elliot had to laugh. How times had changed, he thought to himself with a fond smile. There had been a time in which Calvin Arliss' presence around his family had done anything but make things easier.

"Good."

"She's better with him around….." and father and son shared a dark glance as Sam added, "…. she's like, screaming less and stuff, right?"

"I wish I didn't feel so helpless."

"You're not helpless, Dad."

"She'll sit with your Mom, she'll sit with Calvin….." it heartened Sam that he was now old enough to talk man to man with his father. Elliot could trust him with his own fears and concerns the way he had watched him confide in Dickie and Eli over the years. He had envied them that closeness with their father, but he was finding a new rhythm with Elliot. They were closer than ever since Eve's attack.

"Yeah but you know Mom and Vee, they're like, practically the same person some times. It used to bother me. Now I'm glad of it. It makes me worry less about her, because even if she shuts everyone else out she won't ever do that to Mom."

"I guess I never really thought about it that way but you might be right. Eve was pretty much silent the whole time it was just me and her in the hospital in San Francisco. She only talked to the cops out there because your Mom got on the phone and asked her to. She wouldn't do it for me."

"I don't think it's that she _wouldn't _do it for you. She just gets some kind of weird, freakish juju from Mom or something."

"Well she's not the only one there….." smiled Elliot and Sam couldn't help but agree. It was not on his strength alone that he had recovered from his accident. In truth, it was his mother's refusal to give in that had delivered him safely into the world in the first place.

"She doesn't know yet, right? Eve I mean? About Mom?"

"No, no and I hate that. I hate that we're keeping it from her but your Mom thinks it's best for the time being. She doesn't think she's ready to hear about her diabetes yet."

"You don't think she's gonna lose her shit when she finds out we all hid it?"

"I do think that. I just don't know that her finding out right now is the right thing either. Maybe her being angry at us when she's stronger is better than her finding out now when we can barely get her out of bed."

"I guess."

"I think we have to follow your Mom's lead on this one, buddy. Just know you can talk to me, okay son? You don't have to. Just know I'm always here if you need."

"Thanks….." said Sam, taking a moment to appreciate his father.

Though things like this came as second nature to Olivia he knew that it took far more for Elliot to consciously open himself up. It meant more than words to Sam that no matter what else was going on, how busy their lives were, how distracted Elliot was, he always felt seen by his Dad.

The youngest of his seven children it would be so easy for Sam to feel forgotten and yet that had never once been the case. Though they oft spoke of Olivia as the warmth, the glue, the one always there with a band aid and words of maternal wisdom it was Elliot's brooding, fiercely loyal and unflinchingly tenacious strength on which Sam had come to rely. He loved his mother dearly, but his greatest hope was to one day carve himself in his father's image.

* * *

"I'm sorry I'm no fun right now Sammy."

"Don't be soft, Vee."

"I'm sorry if I was….." blue eyes peering out from beneath her comforter Eve whispered to her brother, "…. I mean after your accident…."

"If you were what?" he asked quietly, eating potato chips and just sitting with her. They all took turns, and that afternoon was his rotation. Sometimes they just held a silence. He'd put the television on and they'd watch mindlessly. He'd fix her snacks and bring them in only to wait for them to go cold or spoil when she politely refused to eat them.

"Expecting you to just find your fight….." picking at the fraying gauze at the edges of her plastered arm Eve sighed, "…. if I pushed you too hard I'm sorry. I really hadn't the first clue what you were going through."

"It sucks when one night changes your whole life, huh?" sighed Sam, realising for the first time that though their two situations were entirely different in nature they may have at least some common ground. He knew what it was to have to rebuild from ground zero.

"I wasn't even going to go out that night. I was planning on staying home and watching a movie with Jack but he had to work late so I went out with the girls instead."

"Don't play that game Vee. Don't do it to yourself."

"Don't you though? Think like that? Like what if I'd just stayed for one more dance like they were begging me too? But no, no I was too stubborn and set on going home. I should've waited inside for the cab."

"Of course I think like that. Everyone does, but it doesn't help. I mean what if I'd rode the bus back? What if I'd been sat in the back seat on the other side of the car? What if we hadn't stopped for gas, would we even have been at that intersection when that idiot overshot?"

"I can't even remember his face."

"I still remember what song was playing."

"How did you do it Sammy? How did you stay so strong? I mean you were amazing. You just got on with it. They told you that you wouldn't walk again and you somehow handled it. You figured out another way to live."

"It's not the same thing, it just isn't I mean I know it kind of seems that way. Like we've both been through some shit but, I dunno, that car broke my spine, my legs but that bastard…."

"Broke me?" she asked, with a sharp intake of breath and an blankness in her expression.

"Not what I said."

"It's true though. Sam I don't remember who I was before I was this person. A victim, a crying mess who can't even get out of bed. I look at photos of graduation and it's like it's someone else. That girl, that girl who didn't have the first clue how lucky she was."

"Evie…." he said, because there was not one single other thing he could say to her truly devastating confession.

"You know Sammy you always said how everything always came so easily for me and you were right. Maybe this is karma. Maybe this is what I get for being so ungrateful. For having everything and not even realising it."

"Bullshit. That is total bull Vee. Don't do that, don't even try to start justifying what that bastard did."

"Mom and Dad want me to see a shrink."

"And you don't want to?"

"Does anyone want to? Did you?"

"No, and hell no."

"But you did though, you went, you did it?" her real question was why, and the answer came in a simple answer and an adoring smile. "You did it for Mom, right?"

"Partly, mostly, but it's not for nothing. You know you're asking how I got my life back on track and I want to say it was all of you guys, our family, Calvin, Leah. You were all part of it and I couldn't have done it without any of you, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that therapy helped too. If it didn't work it wouldn't be like a trillion dollar industry, right?"

"Maybe."

"You want some lunch? I'll schmear you a bagel."

"I'm fine, thanks, but you go for it if you're hungry."

"I'll make us both one. You might change your mind."

* * *

"So she's back in the city?"

"Yeah."

"Fin swear to me that there wasn't more to it. Promise me that you really were just bailing Ken out of a bad business deal and this isn't just another nightmare waiting to happen. I'm not sure I could take it and your marriage sure as hell couldn't."

"I've been an idiot. I've been selfish and stupid but I don't deserve that look from you. I don't deserve you doubting me….." said Fin with a morose indignant glare, "… it's bad enough from Melinda but from you?"

"You know you haven't exactly earned either of our trusts through this whole thing."

"Olivia I earned your trust a long time ago and it should take more than one decision to lose it. We both know that I'm not the only one who's done the wrong thing for the right reasons."

"Okay, okay maybe I'm being a hypocrite, maybe I'm being unfair but so are you. Just expecting Melinda to get past this? It's going to take time Fin and who knows how long."

"How's baby girl? How's Evie? How's she doing?" he asked, switching topics to one on which they could forever agree. "Any better?"

"Not really."

"Nothing really prepares you for it being on of your own, huh?" he sighed morosely. He hadn't seen Eve since the attack. She had more than enough people fussing around her now. Besides, he was afraid. It was selfish and cowardly but between Ken's troubles and fighting with Melinda he hadn't yet summoned the strength to see his baby girl in such pain.

"I don't know how else to help her I really don't. I have followed every single rule, guideline, every piece of my own advice. No amount of experience on the job can fix this for her. I'm not sure there's anything that can. She says she'll try therapy, so that's something. I think I have Sam to thank for that."

"How's Elliot? He doesn't do well with stuff like this."

"He's fine, he's….." shaking her head Olivia pinched at the bridge her nose and then waved a dismissive, helpless hand, "… he's just El. I don't know."

"You two, you're….."

"What are you asking me Fin?" she challenged, a little too quickly for his liking. "We're figuring it out. We're dealing with it all the only way we know how. We're doing our best."

"You don't need me to tell you how something like this hits the family hard too."

"Like a shovel to the back of the head."

"Baby girl might not be the only one who could benefit from a little horizontal conversation."

"I don't need my head shrinking."

"No?" he shot back, always the first one to challenge her. He was the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. He was her voice of reason.

"I was an SVU detective for most of my adult life. I can handle looking after the victim of a sexual assault."

"Even when she's your little girl?"

"Are you seriously telling me I need therapy?" asked Olivia, with a gaping mouthed incredulity.

"As your friend, and I repeat that: as your friend Liv, I'm saying that you should think about it. You should think about drafting in a little extra support. You're no good to Evie if you lose your shit. This will only be harder for her if you and El derail because of this."

"El and I are not about to derail, you asshole."

"Say you'll at least think about it?"

"Fine, fine if it'll shut you up I'll say I'll think about it."

* * *

"Not far, just around the block or something."

"I'm tired."

"No you're not."

"How'd you know?"

"It's time, baby, it's time. You gotta get up."

"Please just leave me alone."

"I'm sorry Bambi but that just isn't gonna happen."

"Back off Cal….." warned Eve, glowering at him through the curtain closed bleakness of her bedroom hideout. With the covers pulled up to her chin she watched him moving about her room. His broad shoulders hunched and tense he paced back and forth and wrung his hands. He was unable to just sit there and do nothing. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't take the risk.

"I can't do that."

"Look I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be a bitch to you because I know you're only trying to help but you can't. You can't help me. No one can."

"You can. You can help _yourself_. You can get in the shower, get dressed, put something on and come for a walk with me. Get some fresh air."

"No."

"Evie!" he snapped, struggling to keep a hold of himself and prevent his heart from imploding in his chest it thundered so hard.

"You can **no idea** what I'm feeling right now!" came the icy, yelping cry as she knotted her brows in a defensive retreat. Turning away, face to the wall, she fell silent.

"I know that, I know that but…." voice soft, low, humming with depth Calvin changed approach.

"You don't get to decide when it is and isn't time for me to eat and sleep and shower. That is my choice, it is my choice, _mine_ not yours. You don't get to come in here and tell me just to get up and get over it!"

"Not what I said. Not even close to what I meant and you know it."

"I can still feel him on me!"

"Baby…."

"His hands all over me! I can still smell the Sambuca on his breath. I can still feel his gross, scaly tongue on my neck and hear him talking and talking and talking like he couldn't fucking SHUT UP!"

"EVIE I KNOW YOU'RE IN HELL!" he yelled, loud and hoarse. Yet he didn't scare her. Sitting upright, wincing at still smarting bruises she found her voice, small but defiant, breaking only slightly as she screamed.

"DON'T YOU YELL AT ME CAL!"

"I know you're dying inside, baby…." he sighed emphatically, his arms swinging at his sides and his palms upturned in an open gesture of desperation. "I know you're crawling out of your skin. The walls are closing in. Your head feels like it's too big for your skull. I know you just want to hide out in here for the rest of your life but I can't let you do that."

"Why are you doing this to me?" she swallowed at a whisper. Using her good arm to prop herself up against the pillow and reaching her plaster cast to push a curtain of mussed hair from her face. Sad, blue eyes blinked exhaustedly at him and repeated, "Why won't you just let me be?"

"Because I love you."

"Well you've got a funny way of showing it….." she murmured, the wide neck of Elliot's old t-shirt exposing deep purple yellow bruising on her neck.

"I know how this ends Evie….." he choked, fixing his eyes on the floor and mumbling, "….I've been down this road before."

"What?" she asked, hurting to see that rawness, betrayal, strangled anger and violent love he had held as a teenager welling in his eyes. "Baby how'd you mean?"

"It's cancer. The darkness, the fear, the sadness. It eats away at you. At first it's just quiet. It's eating a little less, sleeping a little more, but it grows. It gets a hold of you. Then sleeping doesn't keep it quiet, so you drink a little. It's still growing. You don't even realise how fast. Then the booze doesn't take the edge off so you smoke. You're not numb enough. It's still growing. There's more of it than you by the time you realise how far you're in. You can't get out. You're over your head, you're drowning. You try to get back up, but you just fall every fucking time."

"Cal, babe….." she murmured, crawling across the bed in her pyjamas pants. She didn't reach out, but she could have. That was how close she needed to be to him.

"You gotta fight Evie."

"I can't, I can't, I don't want to….." face and voice softened she simply said his name again, and then again.

"I know you don't. I know you want it to never have happened, to turn back time and make it go away. You know what though, Evie? Never gonna happen. You can hide out in this room till the end of time but it won't change a damn thing."

"I hear what you're saying. I do, believe me. I just can't do what you're asking. I can't get past this. I can't. It's not that I don't want to I just….."

"Yes you can."

"No, no Cal I…."

"Evie you are the strongest, smartest, most stubborn ass person I know and don't you dare tell me you can't. I know you can. I know you. So you can be angry, you can be sad, you can be mad as hell but you can't fucking give up. You can't let this beat you. You can't let this destroy you and you know why?"

"Why?" she sighed hopelessly.

"Because if you do then he wins."

"I….."

"All those things you planned to do, to see, to achieve? All places you want to go? You can't let them go. You gotta hold onto them. You gotta hold on. All you dreams, Evie. Don't let him take your dreams." Bottom lip trembling she looked up at him, feeling the choke grip around her heart begin to weaken as he sighed emphatically, "You can think what you like of me. If we have to yell and scream and if you wind up resenting the hell out of me then so be it. It's worth it. You're worth it. If you winding up hating me is the price I have to pay then I will pay it."

"I could never hate you Cal….." she rasped, shaking her head as a fresh fall of tears slid down her cheeks.

"It's gonna be a long walk back from this Evie but I love you and swear to God I will drag your ass every step of the fucking way if I have to."

"It **hurts **Calvin."

"I know, I know baby but you've got to try. I can't lose you. I can't, I _can't_..." he swallowed, closing his eyes and then opening them again to look deep into hers. "I've lost so many people. I watched my Mom giving up, just slowly fucking fading away. I can't let that happen to you. I **can't **Evie."

"Maybe tomorrow….." she swallowed weakly, climbing back into bed and flashing him a teary eyed smile in apology, ".. okay? Maybe tomorrow I'll take a walk. Maybe tomorrow."


	8. Don't Fight These Hands Holding You

**_Apologies for the slow update. Life got in the way a bit. _****_Hope you're all well. Normal service should resume shortly, in the mean time enjoy!_**

* * *

"It's her choice. It's her choice and we can't force it."

"We _could _force it."

"No, no Liv we can't."

"I know. I know it's about giving her back control. I know she has to feel like she's leading this but I don't know how much longer I can just sit by and watch her struggle. It's killing her. She's barely sleeping, she'll only eat when one of us sits and practically spoon feeds her. I don't know if this is healing or if it's just making everything a million times worse."

"Pushing her into therapy isn't going to help. Remember Katie? Remember how I nearly lost her completely when Kath and I tried to mandate her onto a shrink's couch."

"That was different. That wasn't the same. Besides, it helped in the end didn't it?"

"I spoke to Katie. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe it was out of line because this is Mouse's battle but at this point I figure anything we can do, we do, right?"

"You shouldn't have." Said Olivia, before sloping a brow and shrugging, "But did she have any revelations to share? She's been through hell and back."

"She's not the only one…." he took the opportunity to say, because as yet they had not and he felt as though it was dangerous to leave that particular truth unacknowledged, "… you've been there too. You've been closer than Katie has to what Eve's going through."

"I can't go there. I can't tell her that. I can't take the risk."

"Risk?"

"Elliot I feel like I am holding her tiny, breaking heart in my hands right now. I'm not telling her about the diabetes. I'm keeping that from her, I'm lying to her. You know what she asked me? Why wasn't I there. How do I answer that? How do I explain to her why, when she needed me the most, her mother was on the other side of the country? I can't even explain it to myself."

"That was a decision we took together Olivia." He said, but he was already aware from the look in her fretful brown eyes that she did not see it as true.

"Was it? Was it though, or did I just let you railroad me when I wasn't strong enough to keep fighting you on it?"

"Damn it, Liv."

"I…." startled, Olivia stepped back and into the fridge.

"Damn you."

"Elliot!" she gasped, because sometimes when he spoke from the heart it was dark. It was black as coal and stole her breath.

"You know that's a lie. You know that wasn't how it went. You **know** that you were in no state to take that trip and we decided _together _that I would just go get her and bring her home to you."

"I should never have let you talk me into staying here! She needed me, my little girl, my baby girl…." losing her voice, choking on her guilt Olivia's eyes filled with tears as she whispered hoarsely, "…. she **needed **me."

"You can do this if you have to. I'll take it. If it'll make all this easier for you then you can convince yourself that this twisted version of the truth is reality but we both know it isn't. We both know that. You know what else, Liv? Pushing me away? Putting all this on me? Blaming me?" pausing for a beat Elliot shrugged sadly, "It won't change anything. It won't help Mouse."

"I have to go do laundry. I want her to have clean sheets tonight."

"Dad?" was the next voice Elliot heard when he finally looked up from his hands. Cheeks streaked with tears he coughed, hard, and sputtering into his hands he wiped his face and forced a smile.

"Hi, hey, how's it going Minnie Mouse?"

"Are you and Mom fighting?" she asked, moving slowly across the room and taking up a cautious perch on a kitchen stool. "Only I heard raised voices. Mom's kicking the crap out of the washing machine like it just keyed her car."

"Your Mom is just a little strung out right now that's all. It's nothing you need to worry about, kiddo."

"Dad…."

"Mouse we're fine. You know your Mom and I are solid as a rock. Everyone is kind of all over the place right now, but you know what? It's temporary. It'll get better."

"Yeah, yeah so everyone keeps saying."

"One thing you can be sure of, one thing you can rely on, you can trust, **always** is how much we love all of you guys. Right from Maureen to Sammy, top to toe you're my gang, my kids. That won't ever change. Not ever, Mouse."

* * *

"What're you doing here?"

"Well I've had warmer greetings but, hey, I'll take it…."

"Lee…." began Sam slowly, cautiously, running his wheels back and forth the way he always did when he was trying to work his way up to saying something difficult.

"I'm just checking in, you know. Seeing if you're doing okay still. I mean I know the past few weeks have been pretty insane. Everything going on with your sister and all."

"Yeah, yeah there's that."

"Sam I hate that we're these people. I never thought we'd be here. Too awkward to just talk normally when you have something so huge and heart-breaking going on in your life. Can't we just forget it ever happened so I can just be here for you and…."

"And by 'it' you mean when I kissed you and then you rejected me on just about every level humanly possible?"

"I didn't reject you. I rejected us. There's a difference."

"No there isn't."

"There is, there is and the fact that you can't see that is one of the biggest reasons why this can never happen."

"I don't want to think about all that stuff you said Leah. I never have. I don't want to think about kids or marriage or the house in the suburbs one day. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow let alone for the rest of time."

"I get that but….."

"I don't have a five year plan. That's Evie. That's her bag. At least it was…." he added quietly, sensing that his sister's previous outlook on life may have been changed irrevocably now. "My point is that maybe I'll go to college eventually, maybe I won't Maybe I'll work at The Creamery for the rest of my life despite my Mom and Dad whining at me about it every chance they get. Hell maybe I'll be an astronaut Lee, there's no reason why not!"

"I mean I think there are a bunch of reasons why _that's _never gonna happen but…."

"I know you're scared Leah."

"No, no I am not scared I just…."

"I know you. I know that's what you do. You think of every possible worst case scenario in your head and then use them all in turn as a reason to run. I get that it's scary. I get that. You know what though? Life is scary."

"That's very profound Stabler."

"One minute you're on top of the world and next minute you're getting hit by a truck. Literally."

"Damn you're good."

"Don't you look at me like I don't know what it's like to be afraid of wanting good things to happen because you're so sure they're gonna just get messed up in the end. If I'd have thought for more than a second about kissing you that day then I never would've done it."

"Because you would've realised it was a bad idea?"

"Because I would've been too scared to lose all the awesome we already have for the chance of something even _more_ awesome."

"What _chance_ do we have Sam?" she shrugged, and it confused her when he smiled. There was nothing about her words that gave even a glimmer of hope. What she didn't realise, however, was that the hope was in her smile. She was softening, she was thawing, and he could see in her eyes that her reluctance was not for lack of mutual desire.

"I don't know, I don't know that but honestly who does? Who _ever _knows how something is gonna turn out when they're only just starting out?"

"I am never not going to be HIV."

"I'm never going to not be in a wheelchair."

"That's exactly my point! All the things in life that are hard for both of us? They're only going to double if we're together. Do you even realise if we were, like, you know, to be a couple or whatever? How many combined roadblocks there'd be?"

"So here's the thing Lee. My family? Their history? Not exactly a book of fairytale romances. I'd be here all day listing the roadblocks. My Mom and Dad?"

"Shut up your Mom and Dad are perfect. They're like the most perfect couple on the planet."

"No, nope, not true. You know my Dad was married before, right?"

"To Kathy? That's how you've got an unnatural number of half siblings?"

"What I never told you about that was that my Dad was _still _married to Kathy when he met my Mom."

"Well, sure, I mean they were partners right? They knew each other on the job for years? Your Dad always tells me stories of _Benson & Stabler _the wonder years."

"Did he tell you that he was still married to Kathy when he met Evie?"

"No….." swallowing hard Leah felt the bottom fall out of her stomach, oft cynical brown eyes wide and searching she mouthed, "… no way?"

"Yeah, yeah but you don't know that. I mean I don't care that you do but Vee can be weird about it sometimes so…."

"Of course, of course I won't say anything."

"I mean it'll probably come up at some point. My parents are pretty open about stuff and someone is gonna mention it eventually but…." as Leah nodded understanding Sam saw his in, his chance, and bringing in reinforcements he asked, "…. and then look at Evie and Cal?"

"Someone needs to knock their heads. They're idiots if they think they don't belong together."

"But when she met him she was fifteen years old. She was a cheerleader in high school. He was a nineteen year old waster living with his drug dealing, rapist uncle and trying to look after his junkie mom."

"Jeez Sammy, how the hell did I not know some of this stuff?"

"I guess I kinda figured it was their business. I didn't _not _tell you I just…"

"Fifteen?" winced Leah, suddenly seeing the already intricate and complex relationship between Sam's sister and her on off beau in a slightly darker light. "Damn that's young. That's really freakin' young."

"I don't really have dreams Lee. Evie's always been the one with all the plans, all the big ideas. I just get up on a morning and see what happens. I just take each day as it comes and that's all I want to do with you. I'm not freakin' proposing I just wanna go see a movie together or something."

"We've seen a million movies together."

"Don't do that, don't be a bitch when I'm trying to be honest."

"Fine."

"Fine what?" he snapped back, rallying for a fight."

"Fine I will go see a movie with you."

"Seriously?" his little face, oh how her heart ached to see the joy of victory spread across his smile as he struggled to contain his excitement, "You'll come? You'll come on a date with me? Like for real?"

"It's just a movie Sam don't lose your shit."

"But it _is _a date right? Like, to be clear about that."

"Are you going to be buying my soda and snacks?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to supersize me?"

"Yes."

"Then sure, sure why not. It's a date."

* * *

"I can't get the violet out of this tube."

"Violet?" smirked Eve, wandering around the counter and managing, even with one hand in plaster, to produce coloured frosting from Calvin's tube better than he was able. "There, there you gotta pull that little thing off the top first. See? There?"

"It says violet right there…." recovering a little of his male pride Calvin narrowed blue green eyes and shot her a defensive look, "… I just read it."

"You're really adorable when you want to be, you know that right?" she smiled softly, holding his eyes and her hands over his around the frosting tube just a little too long.

"I have to get my stars stuck down before the buttercream sets….." was not a sentence Eve ever thought she'd hear Sgt Arliss utter, but utter it he did. Breaking their intense gaze he turned back to the Stabler's breakfast bar unit and proceeded to swirl purple frosting across his half of the cupcakes and sprinkle on additional decoration.

"I'm gonna go pink butterflies, what'd you reckon? Will they look right with the pink frosting?"

"Double pink, huh?" asked Calvin, pulling an exaggerated frown. "I dunno Bambi, I dunno. I mean it's not as classy as my choice but….."

"Shut up!"

"Can I just grab a….."

"Oh!" gasped Eve, as he unthinkingly moved behind her and put a hand on her waist to lean over and grab a piece of kitchen roll.

"Shit, sorry, baby I'm sorry I…."

"It's okay….." she swallowed, hard, reaching her hand to her waist and laying her fingers lightly over his. Waiting a moment for her heartbeat to slow she felt for solid ground and held him in place so he knew it was nothing he had done. "It's okay, it's fine you just made me jump that's all."

"You good?" he checked, taking back his hand as she turned around to face him. "Hey? Eyes please?"

"Yeah, yeah I am….." she nodded quietly, but he remained unconvinced.

"It's gonna get you Bambi. When you're not looking, when you least expect it, when you think you're on the home straight that's when it's gonna come at you right out of left field."

"Calvin I…."

"What?" he tested, when she seemed to lose her tongue.

"I trust you. I just want to say that. I just think you need to hear that…." reaching one hand covered in buttercream and the other in plaster around his waist she hugged herself into his chest. It was the first contact, the first intimacy she had allowed with anyone but Olivia since the attack and for a moment Calvin was paralysed. He heard her, he was listening to the words but it wasn't until her arms gave that little squeeze and she put her face into his t-shirt the way she always did that he felt sure she meant them.

"Thank you, thanks, for saying that….." and then, brutally honest with her in ways that he felt unable to be with anyone else he added softly, "… I think I did need to hear it."

"For coming home, for being here….." lifting her head from his chest she held her arms around his waist and whispered up at him, "…. thanks, just thank _you_, for everything you're doing."

"Don't thank me."

"I…"

"I mean it Evie….." because it wasn't a favour, it was a noble gesture or an act of duty; at her side was simply where he belonged, "… don't thank me."

"The buttercream…." she said quickly, knowing if she didn't break the moment she would be unable to stop herself stepping down a path she wasn't yet ready to walk, "… we should finish before it sets."

"What on earth is going on? Are you two baking?" came a quiet, groggy voice from the doorway as Olivia staggered blinking into the kitchen in her pyjamas. "It is, like, two in the morning."

"Mom, hey, did we wake you? I tried to creep out."

"No, no you didn't wake me…." said Olivia, a little ashamed until she found a smile of amusement and gestured to Calvin, "… evidently you woke him though?"

"He doesn't care…." shrugged Eve, fully confident in her reply. "And the baking was his idea."

"Oh yeah, yeah sure it was….." laughed Olivia lightly, padding barefoot across the kitchen and coming to stand by Calvin and inspect his work, "… you're a regular little Betty Crocker, aren't you sweetheart?"

"Check it out…." both women watched with heart clenched amusement as Calvin's tongue poked pink between his teeth as he concentrated unwaveringly on one particular cupcake, dragging his violet icing tube in careful lines until finally he stood back and declared, "… there, there ya go: Livia."

"Cal that is just awful!" laughed Eve, puzzling at the random collection of half letters.

"Oh leave him alone….." admonished Olivia with a dismissive wave of her hand, reaching for her cupcake and peeling back the casing. Sinking her teeth into it she savoured a moment before smiling at Calvin, "Betty, you're not half bad. Was this seriously you're idea?"

"We used to bake with my Mom."

"Then in that case don't either of you operate any heavy machinery after eating these…." quipped Olivia darkly. Though Eve missed the beat it reminded Calvin just how deeply she understood his past, his lowest lows and how she never once flinched at them.

"Huh?" asked Evie innocently.

"I think it was a bad cope joke….." he smirked, looking to Olivia who just winked.

"He knows I'm teasing, baby."

"We're gonna watch a movie or something when we're done here you wanna join?"

"Oh no, no as long as you're okay I think I'll head back to bed. I'm far too old to be awake at such an ungodly hour."

"We're fine…." and Olivia believed her, without hesitation: as long Eve was with Calvin she could return to bed and sleep easy, "... love you Momma."

"Love you too baby girl. You know where I am if you guys need anything."

* * *

"Morning."

"Oh, hey, morning."

"You didn't come to bed last night?" said Elliot quietly, standing in the doorway of Eve's bedroom as Olivia propped herself up against the pillow.

"I'm staying with Eve, you know that."

"Yeah, yeah I do only Eve isn't here….." and then, when the reality struck Elliot asked worriedly, "… where is she?"

"I have an idea. I'll go check on her now though….." said Olivia, throwing her legs over the side of Eve's bed and running a hand through her hair with a yawn.

"Liv we need to talk….."

"Not this early in the morning we don't. Not before I've checked on Evie."

"Okay, okay sure but…." leaving the room midway through his sentence Olivia employed her expert ability to evade and avoid. "Olivia?"

"Shh…." she hushed, holding a finger to her lips as Elliot joined her in the living room doorway. Following her gaze as she turned back into the room Elliot sighed softly. Calvin's bulky frame blanketed their couch with their sleeping daughter parcelled up in his arms.

"Would you look at that?" he couldn't help but smile. His eyes warm with paternal love as he noted the way Eve's hand rested on Calvin's arm as it clutched protectively around her waist. The way his other arm must have been dead as it acted as a pillow for her head.

"He is a _total _fool for her Elliot. She woke him up in the middle of the night and he spent hours making cupcakes and watching old Disney movies with her."

"I didn't have Hercules pegged as a cupcake kind of guy?" puzzled Elliot, nonetheless impressed.

"I feel like there's a story….." she shrugged, and there usually was where Calvin's enigmatic little anomalies were concerned, "… he said something about how he used to bake with his Mom."

"Brownies?" with fond chuckle Elliot looked to her and, for a moment, their tension was forgotten and she was reminded just how wonderful they were at their best. More than that, how their heads and hearts were eerily synched to one another.

"I'm gonna go take a shower. Check my levels."

"How is that? How're you feeling? With everything else going on I…."

"I'm fine." Said Olivia, cutting him down mid-sentence and heading toward the bathroom.

"Liv?"

"Will you please make sure that she eats something this morning? If she can manage cupcakes at 2am she can manage oatmeal or a bagel or something this morning. Do one of your Dad's making breakfast for everyone shticks and double team her with Cal. She can't refuse both of you."

"You gonna come join us?" he asked hopefully.

"Maybe later…" replied Olivia with a tight smile and noncommittal shrug.

* * *

"Beer?"

"You read my mind."

"How's it going?" smiled Elliot, slumping down beside Calvin on the back porch and cracking both of their beers in turn. Handing one over he added, "You saw Texas and the little one today, right?"

"Right, right, we went to the park. Gil came along."

"He's alright, he's not a bad guy."

"No, no he's not."

"I mean he's really smart. He's nice."

"Nice, yeah…." and when Elliot caught a flicker of a smirk cross Calvin's lips as he took a swig from his bottle it gave him the green light. "You know my old English teacher used to ban us using 'nice' in papers. We had to find a more interesting adjective."

"What?" asked Calvin, with a puzzled smile and a crease of his brow. It only took a look, an inflection of expression for Elliot to infer his meaning.

"You don't have to be a future surgeon like Gil Amaro or a Wall Street broker to be a damn good guy."

"I guess not."

"I've given you a pretty rough ride over the years Hercules but you have stepped up every single time my daughter needed you. My wife will tell you I'm not always the best at saying it when it counts. So, let's just set it down on the record: You're alright, Cal. You're not the worst thing that ever happened to Mouse."

"Sir." Taking a moment to digest the weight of Elliot's truly giving statement Calvin simply locked his eyes and nodded slowly. He needed him to know how much his approval, his respect meant to him. Elliot was already acutely aware that it was everything.

"You're not the worst thing that ever happened to this family. You can stick around. You ever need a turkey in November or somewhere to hang a stocking on Christmas. That's all I'm saying, we clear?"

"Roger that."

"Good."

"Thank you, sir. Appreciate it. Truly."

"So baking with the Mouse the other night? Was that really your idea?" no need to labour the point, no need for gratuitous pleasantries Elliot moved swiftly on. "Liv said you used to bake with your Mom?"

"Yeah."

"She taught you your skills, huh?"

"Not really."

"My God it's a good job Evie likes to talk."

"My Mom didn't really have any skills."

"Huh…." nodded Elliot, unable to help but smile. Not because Vivian Arliss' life had not been a tragic one or that the simple statement from her son was not affecting but because it was just so truly heartening to meet someone as brutally honest a he was. There was no side to Calvin, no twisted intention or hidden agenda.

"She was mostly fucked off her face or clucking. She just sat there stirring the bowl or whatever. It just kept her busy. If you're doing, you're not thinking, right?"

"Right…." nodding slowly Elliot felt another puzzle piece fall into place. Over time, little by little, he was slowly putting together the puzzle that was Calvin Arliss and coming to understand the man beyond that little boy smirk and freight train frame. "When Sammy had his accident you brought him those model planes? He sat for ages building those with you."

"Tex calls it having a project."

"A project…." pausing a beat Elliot swallowed his pride and, in an uncharacteristic show of weakness asked, "… you think you could find Mouse a project? Maybe one that gets her out of the house?"

"Workin' on it."

"Another beer?"

"Sure, thanks."

* * *

"You're a little rusty Arliss!"

"You're a fucking ninja!" laughed Calvin, struggling to hold his own against Sam as the two played basketball together in the Stabler's back yard. Shooting another hoop Sam basked in his glory. "You still on your team?"

"Yeah, yeah we're playing in the state wheelchair basketball league this year. You gotta come see a game."

"Oh I'll be there….." said Calvin casually, as though it was a given, "… if I'm home? Count on it, buddy."

"Mom can you grab us another beer?"

"What did your last servant die of?" balked Olivia, hanging laundry on the line nearby. "Get your own beers, boys!"

"I'll go…." laughed Calvin casually, bouncing the ball to Sam.

"Go where?" asked the vision that materialized on the top porch step. Stopping dead in his tracks Calvin just stared at Eve. Hair still wet from her shoulder, face clean and flushed with a little colour for the first time in a weeks she stood barefoot in a slouched white t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Bambi…." he said quietly, the corners of his mouth finding a smile as he tilted his head and inferred his immense pride, "… you're up."

"Hi, hey baby girl….." smiled Olivia nervously, clutching one of Elliot's wet t-shirts breath bated, "…. how are you feeling?"

"We're out of milk."

"Oh, oh I can run to the store and…."

"No, no it's fine I'll go."

"Yeah?" asked Olivia, looking to Sam who dared a hopeful smile. "You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm actually gonna walk I think….." said Eve quietly, brushing a wisp of hair from her eyes and squinting against the sun at Calvin, "… you wanna come?"

"Sure, sure thing."

"You need anything else while we're there?" it was all so normal, so calm and serene and yet it was taking all Olivia had to fight off tears of relief. She daren't hope too hard, she barely dared at all and yet she couldn't help but feel that perhaps Eve had taken the first step.

"No, no I can't think of anything. Sam?"

"Maybe ice cream? We could make sundaes later?" he suggested.

"Sunday Sundaes? Restart an old tradition?" offered Olivia encouragingly, and Eve nodded with a fragile smile.

"Okay…." and Olivia felt her heart clench as Eve instinctively slid her hand into Calvin's and waved her broken arm as they set to leave, "… tell Dad he better get home from Maureen's on time because we're buying those strawberry sprinkles he's nuts about."

* * *

"Hey Momma, what's up?"

"I'm beached."

"You're what? You're funny…." grinned Eve, stroking tenderly at Olivia's hair as she wandered around the sofa and flopped down beside her, "… what's wrong?"

"I think I OD'd on Sundae Sunday."

"But you didn't even eat any ice cream. I don't know why you're on this dumb diet by the way. You're gorgeous, you're perfect just how you are. You definitely don't need to only be eating berries on Sundae Sunday that's for sure."

"Well thank you baby, you're very sweet. It's not a weight thing, it's just…." weighing up her options, wondering which way to go Olivia smiled evenly, "… it's just me trying to be healthy is all. We're not all skinny little twenty one year olds. We can't all eat our weight in candy and butterscotch sauce and still look gorgeous."

"I did eat _so much _candy tonight."

"How was the store? I didn't get to ask you when you got back."

"Busy, really busy for a Sunday and they have this weird new self-service system. Dad will hate it."

"I wasn't really talking about the store, babe. I meant your first trip out. That's the first time you've left the house since you got home."

"Remember when I was little and you used to make me sing through the stall door while I peed in public restrooms? So you knew I was still there? The four Mississippi rule?"

"If I can count more than four Mississippi's then you've gone too far away…." nodding and smiling at the memory Olivia tilted her head. "What's this got to do with anything?"

"Calvin made your approach look casual. He was a crazy person the whole time we were out."

"Is that right?" shifting up in her seat Olivia narrowed her eyes with curious approval.

"Let's just say the Secret Service give Nieto a less intense protective detail when _he _goes to the store."

"Babe I don't think the President goes to the store all that often….." laughed Olivia, but she knew what she meant. Rolling her eyes and shaking her head she gushed, "Oh Evie, oh baby girl you have no idea how good it is to see you smile and hear you laughing again."

"So I don't want to see that George Huang guy that you and Dad know. Like, he worked with Uncle Fin too, and Nick, and I kinda remember seeing him around the precinct when I was little. It's just too much."

"Okay, okay that's fine I get that it….."

"You know any shrinks who _didn't _know me in diapers?"

"Yeah, yeah I do, I…."

"Great, great okay, cool, well maybe tomorrow you could give them a call?" as Olivia choked back tears of relief and overwhelming Eve reached for her hand, gave it a squeeze and eased the intensity with a quipping smile, "I have my secret service agent all primed for our next trip out."

"He's pretty good to you, huh? Calvin?"

"He has his moments."


	9. Coming Together And Falling Apart

"Have you been at out here that whole time?"

"Yeah, yeah sure I have, I churned these bad boys with my own delicate hands."

"Very funny…." laughed Eve lightly, wandering over to the wall against which Calvin was leaning with an ice cream cone in each hand, "… which one's mine?"

"Which d'you want? Chocolate fudge or strawberry swirl?" he offered, nodding to each of the flavours in turn. Eve adjusted her purse on her shoulder and furrowed an inquisitive brow. For the first time since she had started therapy she had walked out with her head held high that afternoon. The woman with the violet eyes, Liz Taylor eyes, usually reduced her to a crying wreck but today had been different. Today had been better. Today had been progress.

"Did you lick both of them?" she asked, lifting her eyes to his and watching him smirk guiltily.

"No, nope."

"You did so you big liar!"

"They were dripping, they had drips. What'd you want me to just let them run all over my hands? That's a waste of finest Creamery product right there."

"So you went to see Sammy?" she asked, entirely indifferent to sharing food with him and grabbing for the strawberry option. "How's he doing? He had a long shift today, right?"

"Yeah, yeah he was bored out his brains…." but, as he attended to his own cone, it heartened Calvin to hear Eve's concern for her brother's work day. It was perhaps the first time she had had the capacity to worry about anyone else's life for quite some time.

"He has _got _to get out of that stupid job. He could do so much better, something that actually uses how smart he is. I should help him with that."

"I reckon he'd appreciate it."

"Ha, no, he'd grouch at me for interfering and tell me he's a live in the moment kind of guy…." and they both laughed because it was such an accurate prediction of Sam's reaction, "…. but I guess I can give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?"

"So how'd it go today…." he said, his shoulders hunched tense as they strolled side by side toward the subway, "…. you feel like it's helping?"

"It's helping my Mom."

"Not really the point but….." smiling at how desperately hard she was trying for her parents' sake and her mother's sanity Calvin shrugged. "I meant is it helping _you_, baby?"

"I don't know."

"Huh."

"Having you waiting outside with pre-licked ice cream is pretty great though….." she offered, because he was so sweet, so patient and kind and she wanted so badly for him to know that she wasn't giving up, "… so there's that."

"Bambi I hate to do this, I hate to have to say it but it's just gonna come around before we know it and….."

"Your leave is nearly up isn't it?" she asked, because Olivia had had the same thought and pre-warned her of his impending departure the previous evening.

"I mean I could try and extend…"

"No, no you can't Calvin. It's your job, it's work, it's what you do. You have to go do it."

"But if you need me to…."

"Do you want to go to the zoo tomorrow?"

"The what?" damn it how she did that, throw a curveball that caught him entirely off guard. Shaking his head he took a moment, just a second, to thank whatever higher power had brought her this far. She was slowly, painfully slowly, clawing back some of her fire.

"The zoo."

"Do _you _wanna go to the zoo?"

"I think it'd be fun."

"Well, then, sure, sure we can do that."

"It's Sammy's day off and it's literally, I kid you not, his favourite place on the planet. You reckon we could ask him and Leah along? You can invite Texas too if you like? Can you _imagine _how cute Leni would be seeing all those animals?"

"You want Tex there?" because his opinion mattered next to nothing so long as she was smiling the way she was right then. "You sure your up to all that? Day trip? Your brother and his girl drama? Leni and all her crazy?"

"She's not crazy, she's a baby!"

"She's crazy. She's a crazy little ninja."

"I don't know if it's too much, too little, just enough. I really don't; but it's only Sammy, it's just Leah and Texas. They all know. And besides, you'll be there, right?"

"Oh I will absolutely be there because I heard they have an aardvark."

"What?" pulling a face Eve couldn't help but laugh. He was so strange, so random and comical at times. "Like with the funny noses?"

"They have tongues that are like, a foot long Bambi. I read it on one of those subway posters. They just slurp up all those little ants and…"

"Eww! Gross!" she protested, reaching out with her good arm and giving him a playful smack the way she'd used to. She hadn't done that in a while, not since the attack. He let it go unremarked upon, but not unnoticed. "Well, great's fine. Never mind supporting your girlfriend you just want to see some freaky mammal with a giant…." realising her unconscious slip, lifting her eyes nervously to his Eve chewed on her cheek.

"What?"

"Friend."

"Evie….."

"Cal I…." she began, not entirely sure how to extricate herself from the hole she had jumped into with both feet, "… I meant friend. I'm so tired I barely know what I'm saying."

"Sure, sure I got it. I got that. No big deal."

"Okay."

"Okay….." but it wasn't, and that which went unspoken between them in the quiet moments that followed could've given lyricists material for multiple album releases. "So I, ermm, I guess I'll call Tex? Get her and Leni on board?"

"Great. Perfect. I'll talk to Sam and Leah."

"You wanna swap? Try my chocolate deliciousness?" he offered, holding out his ice cream cone. With a warm smile she nodded, carefully swapping it for hers and trying not to get any on her plaster cast.

"Calvin I won't break."

"Huh?" he asked, holding a mouthful of strawberry ripple on his tongue and allowing it to dissolve slowly as she looked up at him with that blue eyed determination he adored.

"I am angry. I'm angry and sad and confused and mad as hell at him and at me and sometimes just at random objects that get in the way. I'm probably not done yelling and screaming at you but please don't be done yelling back?" holding a beat she managed a little smile and tipped her head in a way he found just adorable, "Please don't ever be done yelling at me?"

"You want me to yell at you?" he asked.

"Don't give up on me? Please? I know I'm hard work right now. I know this is just no fun at all and it brings back horrid memories for you. You think that I'm going to fade away like your Mom did but I swear to you I'm not. I won't."

"Bambi….."

"You won't lose me Calvin…." she vowed, reaching out for his hand, "…. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"Me neither…" he echoed, crushing her fingers lightly in his bear like palm, "… me neither Evie G."

* * *

"I just think it's sad that's all."

"It's a zoo Lee."

"Maybe I just don't like zoos."

"Now you say!" laughed Sam, and Leah turned her head slowly to feel his hand stroke unconsciously at the small of her back. Piled onto his lap they sat together in his chair watching the lion enclosure. A great animal caged. It made her feel the strangest things.

"What could he have been if he wasn't in there? If they hadn't captured him. Maybe he could've been king of a giant plain. He might've had cubs. Now he's just sat here waiting to die while people stare at him like he's the freak. He's only that because they say so. He's only what they made him."

"Bell you're talking in riddles again."

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

"We should probably go and find the others. I think Evie said they were heading over to see the elephants."

"Do you _want _to go find the others?" asked Sam, tilting his head slightly and genuinely giving her the option either way. "Because we don't have to. Vee won't care. She's got Calvin and Texas and the baby. She's set."

"Not really."

"You're quiet today, really quiet. What's going on? Is it just that you've realised you don't like zoos?" and she smiled, because she knew she tested him. She was hard work. She was not unaware of the fact. Sam Stabler was the most honest, straight forward and uncomplicated person she knew and she was anything but. They were polar opposites.

"Nothing, nothing they're just changing my meds next week is all…." she sighed, looking away and falling into a resigned sadness, "… no big deal."

"Changing your meds? Why?"

"You build up resistances." She said vaguely, and he understood a little more this time than last. Though she rarely spoke of her HIV in detail he was slowly starting to educate himself. Piecing together the tiny pieces of information she gave him with a lot of internet research. "It'll probably make me sick. Just to warn you. Sometimes it doesn't go well when they mess around with me."

"Okay."

"Sam I don't want to live in a cage."

"What?" but as he turned to ask the question she answered it with a kiss. Gentle at first, nudging, testing, cautious but slowly she lost her fear and he his inhibition. Draping her arms around his neck she kissed him harder, forgetting everything but him.

"Lee, hey, Leah…." he murmured, pulling away and finding her eyes. "What's going on? What changed your mind? At the movies the other night you were still so sure you didn't want us to…."

"I'm afraid of so many things Sam."

"You? Afraid?" laughing softly he couldn't believe it. He couldn't imagine her scared of anything. She had been nothing but courage since that first day she had helped him fight in high school when they were just teenagers.

"I have a big disease."

"Virus."

"Whatever."

"No, no not whatever. You taught me that. You taught me the difference."

"Either way it's permanent and it's infectious and one time I could get sick and just die. Just fucking die. HIV is a big deal Sam. You act like it isn't."

"No, no I don't, that isn't true. That isn't fair. I would never think that. I would never act like HIV isn't a big deal in life, in your life, for you. It is. It's huge and it's scary and it's something that you have to deal with every single day and it sucks and I know that."

"But…."

"It's just not a big deal to _me _Leah."

"It isn't?"

"Of course I worry about you. Course I'm nervous about how we figure things out. But we will, you know? Figure things out. It's a big deal to your health and your life but it isn't who you are Leah. I'm more into you than I am scared of your HIV."

"Really?" moments of vulnerability were so rare with her. He valued them. Not because they left her weak and open to hurt but because they were a reassurance that she trusted him.

With him she would let down her guard. With him she would allow a momentary ceasefire in the constant war she had waged against the world since she had been adopted out of Ethiopia as a tiny, moon faced little baby.

"Lee when you first came over to me in the recess yard. That very first day we met? You didn't see this dumb chair. I know that as fact. I know for a fact that you didn't come over out of pity or weird curiosity about the crippled kid. You talked to me like a person. You were the first person outside of my family to do that in a really long time. You talked to me like it didn't make one iota of difference that I was on wheels."

"Because it didn't…." she said, her hands finding his and their fingers interlocking as her body language softened and she lolled into him adding, "… because it doesn't."

"It's going to matter to them Leah. Always. To the rest of the world it is _always _gonna be a thing. I'm always gonna be the guy in the wheelchair with all that that means. You're always gonna face shit for being HIV. We're gonna have to fight harder, struggle to get things that just come easy to other people. It's gonna be a freakin' battle all the time whether we're together or not."

"Wow, well, that's a warm fuzzy thanks for that."

"Let's do it all together?"

"Sam…."

"I'm falling for you Lee and I know you feel the same."

"Yeah…." she confessed, and closing her eyes and leaning forward to press her lips lightly against his, "… yeah: that."

"So?" he asked, because having laid all his cards on the table it was now time for her to be the same.

"Can I ask one thing though?"

"Sure."

"Can we maybe just keep it between us for now? Not because I don't want people to know. It's not a shame thing. It's just that we've always kind of gone our own way, me and you. We're not like my brother and his wife making everything a circus. We're not like your sister and the rollercoaster she makes everyone ride with her and Calvin."

"I get what you're saying."

"But do you though? Because I need you to get that it isn't that I won't ever tell them. It's just there's so much baggage Sam. My parents? God, your parents? I know they're all cool. I just feel like we'll become a project. Does that make any sense?"

"I think so."

"Maybe we can just figure out if we even work as more than friends first? Just kind of give it some room to breathe before my Mom and Dad start reading pamphlets about being in a relationship with HIV and the Stabler clan all start having their opinion."

"I'm not in a relationship with HIV. I'm in a relationship with Leah Bell."

"You know what I….." but it didn't matter, none of it did, as she reached to his face and kissed the notion of his words into reality.

They had jumped the first hurdle and they were in the race.

* * *

"What's an elephant say Leni Legs?"

"Calvin she can't tell an elephant from a bus yet let alone know what noise it makes, she's too tiny!" laughed Eve, as Texas' daughter sat high on Calvin's chest and stared with giant brown eyes a the animal enclosure beyond.

"I'm educating her. We're getting a running start, aren't we Legs?"

"Where'd _that _one come from?" she smiled, watching him dote on the chubby infant who rested a hand lightly against his neck as she took in the sights and sounds of the zoo.

"She's got fat little legs."

"Oh, oh I see…." she ought to have known that it wouldn't be anything much more complicated. Rearranging Leni's pink leggings and navy cotton sundress Eve smiled to note the genuinely trunk like little limbs squashed against Calvin. "Wow, you really are a chunky monkey, kid!"

"Bambi!"

"What?"

"You'll make her feel bad. Girls are very sensitive to these things."

"Shut up, shut up…." she giggled, rolling her eyes as Calvin managed to keep a straight face for his faux scolding. Holding his gaze a moment Eve just stared. He took her breath away. In those quiet moments after they had laughed together it was still there. She loved him deeply.

"What are you three giggling about over here?" asked Texas, breezing back over to them and handing each of them a bottle of water in turn.

"Bambi was just mocking your fat kid."

"Oh! Oh no! Texas I wasn't I swear! I…." gasped Eve, mortified.

"Honey ignore him! Don't let him bait you, you know better by now!"

"Here, here Tex will you take Legs a minute?" asked Calvin, expertly ignoring the withering looks from both women as he parcelled Elena into her mother's arms. "I gotta take a leak."

"Thanks for sharing!" laughed Texas with a roll of her eyes, taking back her daughter as Calvin wandered away. Standing beside a suddenly quiet Eve at the elephant enclosure she kissed at Elena's cheek and asked softly, "Penny for them, baby blues?"

"Huh? Me?" asked Eve, snapping back from her day dream. "Oh I'm fine! I was miles away, sorry."

"It's not easy….." said Texas, with a cryptic but painfully empathetic expression that gave Eve a sense she was speaking from experience, "… finding your way back."

"Yeah, yeah I can't lie. I'm kind of having a hard time."

"When someone takes away your control like that? It breaks you. It really does. You lose your voice. You lose yourself."

"Has it…. have you….." she couldn't ask, or could she, thought Eve, dancing around the daring, "… what I mean is….."

"No, no honey I was a just a whore."

"Oh!" catching her breath Eve was still caught off guard by Texas' willingness to be so candid at times.

"It's not the same thing. I mean it's not great either. You just, well, you kind of detach from it after a point I guess. All I'm saying is that there's nothing someone with balls as big as yours can't come back from. Just give it time. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to bounce back right away. Healing doesn't happen overnight."

"Calvin is really good with her…." said Eve, changing the subject.

"He's an absolute Godsend….." smiled Texas adoringly, and then with a casual air kissed Elena's head and added, "… your Uncle Cal is gonna make a kick ass Daddy one day isn't he, angel?"

"Yeah….." quietly, almost under her breathe, Eve's heart murmured, "… yeah he is."

* * *

"You're sure you're alright with me staying at Tex's tonight?"

"Sure, yeah, yeah of course, spend some time with her. Spend some time with Leni, she adores you." Smiling evenly Eve folded her good arm over her broken one and lay them over her stomach, watching Calvin from across the Stabler kitchen nervously.

"Bambi?" he asked, because he knew all too well that there were a million and one things going on in that pretty little head of hers and only a tiny portion of them related to Texas. "What's going on? What's the face? What're you working on upstairs?"

"I've lost everything Cal."

"What?" so sudden, so flooring, so startlingly direct was her statement it took him a moment to recover from it. "No, no you have not."

"I don't know anything anymore. I can't figure out which way is up."

"Okay, wait, dial it back a few….." he instructed, pulling two stools out from the breakfast bar and gently encouraging her onto one of them, "…. right, now, start from someplace I'm gonna understand?"

"I had it all planned out. From pretty much the second I could walk and talk I knew just exactly where I was going. High school, cheer captain, college at Brown, a grad job in a big city and I got it all. I got everything I ever dreamed of and then in one night I lost it all."

"This isn't endgame Bambi. You're not done, you're not out: you're just down for a while."

"Cal what I'm saying is that I don't want any of it anymore."

"No, no you do, you're just….." he smiled, but there was something in her face, in her eyes that told of more than a temporary defeat. A shift, a change, a realignment. Looking to him she shook her head and spoke calmly.

"I don't want the big life. I don't want the amazing career, the fancy house and flashy car. I don't want all those things I used to dream about. I just want you."

"Wow."

"Now what's _your _face?" she asked, her voice twisting with disappointment as he failed to react at all like she'd expected. "Baby I thought you'd be pleased?"

"Really?" he asked, shaking his head with disbelief, "You did?"

"I thought you'd be so exited? Don't you get what I'm saying? Let's do this, you and me: us. Isn't that what you've been wanting?" she asked, increasingly anxious as he sat dumbstruck, "Isn't that what you've been waiting for?"

"I don't know what _you _think you're saying Evie….." he said with a calm, quiet, sadness of a balloon that had been popped and was slowly deflating, "… but you know what I'm hearing?"

"I…."

"I'm hearing you saying that you're dreams are over, that you feel like all the things you wanted to go do and see and have aren't gonna happen now. I'm hearing you saying that you've lost everything."

"Yeah, yeah but…."

"And _now _you're ready to be with me."

"I am!" she cried, not hearing the way the words sounded when he said them. Knowing only that in her heart she just wanted to be in his arms and never leave.

"Because some bastard attacked you and you're scared and devastated and you've given up on life!"

"No, no that's not what I…." shaking her head rapidly she felt as if her boat was taking on water and no matter how hard she bailed it out she couldn't fill her bucket quick enough to stop it sinking.

"I'm sorry if I can't get excited about being your last fucking resort Evie."

"Cal….." she sighed, shaking her head wretchedly as he stalked off down the drive, "…. Hey? Hey come back, please? Calvin? Calvin!"

"I'll see you around."

"Calvin!"

* * *

"So then he just left. Like he just walked out and I don't know if he's coming back. What if I don't see him again before he goes back down to Fort Bragg?"

"He'll come back, baby. You'll see him again before he leaves I'm sure of it."

"Oh my God!"

"What the hell was that?" murmured Olivia, her hand still instinctively moving to her side in search of her weapon. It had been a long time since it had rested in her holster there and so instead she reached down the side of the refrigerator for Elliot's old baseball bat.

"Mom you're not serious!" gasped Eve, whose drip white face fell even further in horror as her mother narrowed shrewd brown eyes and held a finger to her lips.

"Stay here. Stay quiet. I'm just going to check it out. I'm sure it's just an animal."

"Mom!" yelped Eve again, under her breath this time as the crashing and banging continued from the garage in the distance. Clutching herself tight Eve shook her head and entreated with terrified blue eyes for Olivia not to go. "Don't! Please, just call the police?"

"Baby I am the police….." and then, immediately anticipating Eve's quick protest Olivia added at a murmur, "… at least I was. Now sit tight and hold onto your cell phone."

"Okay."

"I'll be right back…." nodded Olivia instructively as she left Eve in the kitchen and headed light footed out the back door and toward the garage.

Creeping around the outer perimeter she held herself against the wall, steeling a fleeting glance in through the window. Then, on seeing the source of the commotion she relaxed tensed muscles, dropped her shoulders, and allowed the bat to fall from his brandished defensive position to down at her side. Walking to the door she snuck inside, presenting herself in the doorway and staring at the total chaos and confusion inside.

"Elliot?" she managed.

He was sat in the corner of the concrete space. His feet were spread apart and his knees were bent up, his elbows braced against them as he held his head in his hands and rocked back and forth.

"Babe?" she said softly, lowering the bat carefully to the floor so as not to startle him. "Babe it's me, it's Liv, it's me."

Painfully slowly she made her way across the room, picking her way through the various remnants of broken toys, ornaments, tools from his kit, models Sam and Calvin had built years earlier. Memories scattered across the floor. Broken pieces of their history.

"El you're scaring me. What's going on? What happened here?"

"I…." he managed, as though learning to talk all over again. Gradually lifting his head she saw his eyes were blood shot, red raw with tears, his face smeared with anguish he wiped on his sleeve and shook his head despairingly. With a croaky voice he tried again to speak and once more he failed. She knelt beside him, finding his trust.

"What? Talk to me. Talk to me? Please?"

"I can't…."

"Yes, yes you can, you can. Let it go, let it go El, babe, I'm here….." reaching to his face, her fingertips impossibly gentle and loving against his jaw she smiled weakly and entreated, "… please?"

"I lost my shit."

"Yeah, yeah sweetheart I can see that….." she murmured, her eyes darting briefly back to the wreckage behind her as her wry quip found a tiny chink in his armour, "… I can see that."

"No, no I mean…." lifting his eyes to hers, piercing blue tempered by clouding tears he gave her everything he had left in him in a gasping confession, "… I have **lost my shit**."

"Oh my…." she gasped, as though standing in a vortex that sucked all the breath and life from her and left her winded and terrified.

She had not seen it coming. She had been blind. Blind by her own pain. Lost in her own hurt, anger, grief, frustration. All this time, all these weeks, months, years, he had been quietly imploding. Stuffing down everything he had felt further and further down inside him, deep into his soul for her sake. To be her rock, her strength, her unfailing safety net he had stretched the rubber band around his heart so taught it had finally snapped. He had snapped. He had lost his shit. She understood that now.

"I can't get up."

"Okay…." she nodded slowly, reaching her hands to his face again but this time drawing it to her chest. Holding his head against her heart she clutched at it, stroking at his thinning hair and kissing at it repeatedly. "Okay, that's okay, you don't have to. You don't have to right now."

She wanted to apologise. There were so many things she wanted to do and to say in that moment. None of them were right. None of them would help him yet. It wasn't about her guilt, her shame, her having been so unforgivably selfish and unthinking. It was about him.

"I can't move. I can't stop…." crying, was the final admittance of weakness he couldn't say and could show only to her. She was the only soul on earth he could've borne to see him in that state.

"I love you Elliot. I love you and you're going to be just fine. You'll be fine. I'm here. I'm right here. Whatever you need, however we do this, however we get you through this. We'll figure it out. I'm here. I am here."

"Liv?" he choked, his eyelids heavy and his words a drawl as he looked up at her with a begging gaze.

"What is it?" her voice was pinched, cracking under the weight of the agony she felt seeing him so low, so broken and vulnerable. "Sweetheart? What?"

How had this happened? How had they got here without her having seen it happening? Had he been quietly falling apart for years and she had failed to notice? Could it be that she had been that blind? She knew him. She knew Elliot Stabler like she knew the lines inside her own palms. She had fallen asleep in his arms and woken up beside him for over a decade. How long had this breakdown been in the making? How long had he been carrying this silent, devastating burden?

When Sam had been injured he had been so good, so restrained in his anger. After Eve's attack he hadn't punched a single wall. No yelling, no screaming, no fire in his belly, none of that that anger outlet he always used. She had been proud. She had been an unseeing fool.

"Promise me you won't let my kids see me? Promise me you'll protect Mouse and Sammy from this? Promise me?"

"Okay….." she said quickly, without pause for thought or hesitation as she kissed again at his temple, "… okay, okay I promise."


	10. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

"Elliot I need you to trust me."

"I do trust you."

"No, no you're not listening to me. You're just saying words. You're talking because you think it'll make me go away."

"Humph."

"I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear…." said Olivia, sitting in a chair in the corner of the hotel room in which Elliot had ensconced himself since she'd found him in the garage two days earlier.

"No?" he asked, lying face down on the bed. Beached. Washed up. The tide lapping around him as he lay on the shore line unable to fully commit to drowning, nor haul himself any further up the sand. He was in purgatory and it was a darker shade of hell than he had ever known.

"I need for you to trust that you can tell me things I _don't _want to hear."

"I can't do that."

"You can't trust me?" she asked, because that had never been true before. Not once. Not throughout the entirety of their relationship. She had to push him. She had to go there. They had to go there because if they had lost their trust then they had lost everything. The battle was already over and all that would remain was bitter defeat and a two half souls drifting out onto the horizon.

"I'm pissed as hell at you Olivia!" came the muted cry as he lifted his head from the pillow and she sharply took in breath.

"Good."

"Good that I'm angry?" yes, in a way, she smiled with profound relief. Feeling her heart relax a little of his contracted agony she felt hope again. He did trust her. Not only that but he still cared, deeply. As long as he was angry she had something to work with. The devil was in indifference.

"How far does this go back, El?" she dared to ask, because if they were going to do this then they were really going to do this. She wasn't paddling. She would wade in over her head if she had to. "Sam's accident? The diabetes? San Francisco?"

"All of it."

"Okay."

"I'm supposed to protect you. I love you. You're my whole life Liv."

"Elliot….."

"How many times can I just stand by and let life fucking rip on you? I couldn't do a damn thing. Not when Sam was born and I nearly lost you, not when you lost Cragen and the 1-6."

"My God you've been carrying this all that time?" she gasped, because the notion quite literally stole the breath from inside her.

"My family has lost so much and I just let it happen. My son lost his legs. My wife loses her health. My little girl loses…." his eyes held more pain than he could bear as he found himself unable to finish the sentence as he thought of Eve.

"Oh El, oh babe, no, no don't do this to yourself…." she murmured, getting up from her chair and coming to sit beside him on the bed, "… don't you do this to yourself."

"What was I supposed to do Liv? We had no idea how to manage your levels. You were sick. You looked like hell, you're blood sugar was all over the place, you were a wreck and you really expected me to sign off on a flight that put you twelve thousand miles up in the air for seven hours against medical advice?"

"I…."

"And you have the **audacity** to blame me for you not being there for Mouse."

"I was wrong for that."

"Yeah, yeah you were."

"I was upset!" she rasped, reigning herself in because her own regret served no purpose in allaying his. This was his pain. Hers had no place here. "I was out of my mind and saying things I didn't mean. I apologise. I am **sorry** that I put that on you I just didn't have anywhere else to put it and….." swallowing, hard, she confessed, "… and I think that maybe I've been guilty of doing that far more than anyone has a right to. I've put it all on you El and…..."

"It's my job. Being there for you? That's why I am."

"No, no that's not true. That's not true at all. Being here for _each other _is why _we _are. I just can't believe I've leant on you so hard for so long."

"You're stronger than anyone I know Olivia. You don't lean on me. That's part of the problem. You fight your own battles. Alone. You're a lone warrior you always have been."

"Is that what you think?" she asked with disbelief. "Do you really have that little idea of how badly I need you?" as she looked at him, so open, so honest and so raw he fell in love with her all over again. For all her bluster and bravado, for all her wilful resistance she was vulnerable. She fell the way everyone falls. He could not have been more grateful to her for reminding him of this in that moment when he himself felt so low.

"Honestly?" he asked, blue eyes fixing hers through the dim lit hotel room. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"No."

"Olivia what kind of man can't keep his own family safe?" laughed Elliot with a grim, bitter acid on his tongue. "No kind. I should never have put Sammy in that car. I should _never _have let Mouse go to California."

"Babe Sam was on a school trip. You could never have known what was coming. Car accidents happen, all the time. I'm not saying that to be flippant or dismissive. You know I'm not. It's just the truth. Every single time any one of us gets into a car it's a risk, there's a danger, but you can't live your whole life afraid."

"And Evie? What kind of Dad lets his little girl move across the country on her own?"

"A good one, a trusting one. A Dad who trusts that at twenty one his smart, tough, wiseass kid can handle anything life throws at her. Including a curve ball like what happened in San Francisco. Elliot sexual assault doesn't discriminate you **do not** need me to tell you that. What happened to Evie could have happened to anyone no matter how careful or protective their parents are and it could _just as easily _have happened her in New York."

"My Mom said something once."

"Bernie?" said Olivia softly, moving closer to him and stroking lightly at his tensed temple. "What did she say, babe?"

"She was talking about her meds. It isn't the same. She said that she felt like someone had reached in and scooped out her insides. Scooped. I always thought it was a strange word. Like ice cream. That's what I feel like, like a gutted fish, Liv."

"Will you let me lie with you?" she asked, because she knew enough of abject despair and desolation to know that they were not going to fix him today.

What was broken in him was going to take a long time to repair and words were not going to be enough. She could not find enough words to even scratch the surface of what she knew he needed. So, when he made no signs of protest, she lay herself down next to him. Draping an arm over his torpid frame she stroked a hand at his back and rested her cheek on the mattress a hairsbreadth away from his face.

"Hi…." he mouthed, managing to find a smile with the strength he gained from her closeness.

"Hi."

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, because it seemed to her almost laughable that he would have anything at all to be grateful to her for in that moment.

"Picking me up."

"El I should never have let you fall in the first place…." she whispered, her brown eyes heavy and sad as her lashes caught on the mattress and he saw tears threaten, "… I'm so ashamed I was too blind to see this coming. To catch it. To catch you."

"We gonna be okay?"

"Yes."

"I'm serious Olivia. I mean it. We're not good right now, we're not in a good place and it scares the hell out of me."

"Elliot?" she needed his full attention, his eyes, his soul looking into hers before she spoke again. When she had it, when she could see she had his trust she smiled confidently and nodded, "We are going to be okay."

"We have to be."

"We will be."

"Okay."

"We've lost a hell of a lot, all of us, but we still have what matters. We still have each other. Sammy is just getting stronger and stronger and Evie? She'll be okay, she will, she'll come back from this…." he could believe it because he could see in her eyes that she did, and he felt a peace wash over him as she added, "… and so will you."

"Promise me two things?" he asked, and he could see in her face she would. "Promise me that no matter how tough things get, what crap we have to wade through, how close we come we won't ever break. You and me, Liv? Promise me."

"I promise."

"Don't let me turn into my parents. Either of them, swear it?"

"On one condition?"

"Sure."

"You don't let me turn into mine….." and with that she said it all, all that needed to be said, all that could be said. After that they lay quiet, side by side, just breathing.

* * *

"Could he have picked a worse time?"

"Sam don't do that. Don't be like that, don't pretend like you don't know how hard your Dad has found the past few weeks. He needed this trip. He needs to go spend some time out of the city and take a beat."

"But what about Vee? She needs him here. You need him here."

"Please, son?" entreated Olivia, too tired to argue with her painfully astute Sam. Despite being the younger of her two children he was mature beyond his years and had far more sensitivity to nuance of emotion than Eve did. He knew something was wrong in his parents' marriage and consequently despite Eve being the more vulnerable at that particular time it was he who had taken Elliot's sudden absence harder.

"I just don't think that it helps when we're all trying to bail out this family for him to go to Chicago. That's all. That's all I'm saying."

"And I'm hearing you say it, I am. I just wish that you would try and see this from his point of view."

"What about your point of view Mom?" he asked, staring blankly at her from across the living room and twisting the cap of his soda bottle. That was what mattered. She was what mattered. He loved Elliot, very much, he was loyal to him too and he cared deeply but she was his mother. She had given him life and breathed love and light into him every day since. Yes, he loved his father, but he would protect and defend Olivia to the death even against him. "Is he just, like, gonna leave you here holding the fort?"

"And how many times have I left him holding the fort in the past Sammy?" she said, testing the bounds of their relationship. In many ways she was coming to realise she could talk more candidly, more honestly, more equally with her son than she could with Eve. Sam held his father's quiet, resilient strength and it was a profound comfort to her in that moment to see how he didn't flinch or recoil from her challenging question.

"Is he okay?" she couldn't lie to him. She couldn't be any less than brutally honest with the little boy she had seen become a man at fifteen years old.

"No…." confessed Olivia with a reluctant swallow and steady shake of her head. She needed this. She needed an outlet for all the insanity charging around her head and where Eve was all fire her son was the calm, the water, the steady flow of sanity in their family.

"I guess I already knew that."

"He doesn't want you kids to know. I shouldn't have said that. I gave him my word."

"I'm not a kid anymore Mom….." said Sam quietly, holding her eyes and smiling a soft, loving show of support, "… and you have _my _word that he won't know we talked."

"I don't want Evie to know either. She just thinks the world of her father. She thinks he's invincible and it won't do for either one of them to lose that right now. She's lost so much already….." lowering her eyes Olivia choked slight on the words, "… so much."

"Dad really in Chicago?" he knew his mother better than he had realised previously and that became clear to him in that moment. The inflection in her voice, the stories in the kind lines around her eyes and the way her strong cheekbones struggled under the weight of it all.

"Honestly?" of course, came the answer in Sam's face as the two grew closer with each second, each minute, each hour in which he grew in his new role as her quiet solace. "No, no he's not. He's not in Chicago. He's in a hotel about two blocks from Fin and Melinda's place."

"Are things really that bad between the two of you?"

"No, no that isn't why he's there."

"It isn't?" he had to ask, he had to push. He knew she was stubborn and wilfully determined to ensure he was protected but in that moment what he needed was her honesty. Honesty she respected and trusted him enough to give.

"It's not about us, not really."

"How'd you mean?" she wasn't prepared to talk about her marriage to their son. It wasn't right, no matter how adult he may now be. What she was prepared to do, however, was ensure that Elliot's relationship with his son wasn't damaged by his current state of despair. The kids had to know enough to trust that his love for her and indeed for them was not in question. It never would be.

"It's him. He just needs some time. Some space to breathe and get his head together. You know your Dad, he just carries it all. He's carried the load for all of us for so long and he's just exhausted. He's bottled everything up for so long he's just feeling it all at once."

"What can I do? How can I help?" asked Sam, as Olivia got up from the sofa and moved toward him. Reaching to his face she stroked at his cheek, bent down and kissed his forehead and smiled widely. By God she loved this incredible young man she had been blessed with.

"You're already doing it…" kissing him again she affirmed, "… you're already helping more than you will ever know Sam. I love you, I am so grateful you're my boy."

"Mom?" he asked, reaching to her arm and wrapping his hands lightly around her wrist. "We've got you, you know that right? Me and Evie? We've got your back: always."

"You too old to let your old Mom take you out for something to eat? We used to go for burgers at The Firehouse when Evie had cheer practice?"

"Firehouse burgers sound awesome….." grinned Sam, meeting her eyes and adding, "… but they're on me this time."

* * *

"So basically selling the apartment is our only option?"

"No, no that isn't what I'm saying Mrs Tutuola."

"Dr Warner."

"Nice, real nice…." muttered Fin darkly under his breath as Melinda reverted to her former name in a very deliberate stab at both him and their shaky marriage, "… classy."

"Don't even go there Fin. Don't even try me."

"Selling the apartment is just one of a range of different ways in which we can ensure the pair of you remain solvent. It's the clearest cut, the path with the least roadblocks. Raising capital from other assets will incur penalties and the need to overcome the various stipulations associated with…."

"Fine, fine then let's just do it."

"Are we not even gonna have a conversation?" asked Fin, astonished that Melinda could be so calm and decisive. This had been intended as an information gathering session with their financial advisor and legal representation not them signing away their life one on one fragile dotted line.

"I don't see why. It all seems fairly easy to me. The way out of this is simple."

"Simple maybe…." said Fin with a quiet, regretful mutter, "… but easy? Nah."

"It was easy enough when you were bailing Ken out without consulting me. You didn't seem overly concerned about us having a conversation then. I'm just getting us out of what you got us into, darling."

"Don't do that, don't patronize me."

"Are we done here? Do you need me to sign anything or do we just need to liaise with a realtor and…."

"Sit down."

"Pardon me?" smarted Melinda, her usually wild curls slicked back in a tight bun and her features angular and sharp after a stress indulged plummet in her weight. "What did you just say?"

"I said sit down."

"Then you must have me mistaken for dog Odafin."

"I made a mistake. A big one. I apologised for it. I have _been apologising _for the past…."

"I am quite sure that neither Fiona nor Harry here want to be party to our domestic quarrels Fin so let's not do this, okay?" pinching the conversation and tying a knot in it's neck she flashed a bright, red lipped smile and dismissed him. "I'm going to meet Rachel for our lunch. Thank you so much to both of you for meeting with us and I look forward to this whole unpleasant business being put to rest."

"Mel? Melinda?" asked Fin, shifting awkwardly in his brown leather seat as the two professionals smiled uncomfortable smiles as Melinda stalked from the room and left him sat alone in disgrace. "Sorry about that, sorry this is so…."

"Trust me I've seen worse."

"We both have."

"You two are hanging on in there far better than most."

"Yeah?" he doubted, with a slope of his mouth that came as close as he could manage to a weary smile. "Excuse me…" said Fin, gathering up his coat and document wallet and making to go after Melinda, "… I'm just gonna…."

"Of course…." smiled the financial advisor, a little embarrassed but, as a mistress of professional integrity and discretion, she never let her face slip.

* * *

"I just read here 76% so who's right? I think I trust my source more."

"Lee I'm getting kind of over this I won't lie….." sighed Sam, tossing aside the handful of pamphlets in his lap and throwing his head back. "I'm done reading all these stats."

"Over wanting to have sex with me?" she challenged tartly, narrowing dark, dark eyes and fixing him with a stare. "Because this is the price, buddy. I hate to tell you but stats are the only way I'm gonna feel comfortable doing it. I mean it's not just logistics for me."

"Like it is for me you mean? Great, well, thanks for that. That makes me feel like a real bro."

"If you care about being a real bro, asshat, then this whole thing is DOA."

"You know what I meant."

"No, no not really I don't. I don't think I do. It's fine for you. All you have to worry about is getting it up and we're good to go."

"Thanks, again, thanks for that."

"I don't care about your damn pride Sam!" cried Leah emphatically, struggling to impress upon him the deep roots of her fear. "I'm a freakin' nineteen year old virgin scared to high shit of doing _anything _on the sex spectrum in case I give you God damn HIV so suck it the hell up _bro _and stop being a dick!"

"All I have to worry about is getting it up?" he smarted, not willing to lie down and play dead. He was in this too. He had had a voice and thanks to his sister he had learned to use it. "Do you have _any _idea what a douche _you _sound saying that to a T-9'er?"

"Okay."

"Okay what?" shot back Sam, spoiling for one of their spats. Yes she looked good today. Yes he loved it when she had her hair in cornrows and off of her face and neck. Yes that fuchsia pink shirt made her dark skin so alive he had spent the best part of the past hour ignoring the words on the page and wanting to touch her but none of that mattered if they couldn't figure out how to safely transition friendship into a physical, romantic relationship.

"Okay, you win. That was a bitchy play. I apologise."

"Wow."

"Wow what?" she asked, pulling a face in anticipation of not liking his answer. Watching him flash that smile that left her quite defenceless Leah rolled her dark, naturally curled lashes and laughed to herself. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, yeah that. I think I just saw a flying pig. They're shivering in hell. Leah Bell just admitted she was wrong. I think that's the red sea that's parting over in…."

"Oh shut _up _you jackass!"

"Pass me back those pamphlets."

"You know those wheels don't negate the need for you to say please…."

"Please? Please will you pass me back those leaflets so I can break the glorious act of love down to a very unsexy mechanical operation….." watching her glare at him Sam smirked, "…. please? Don't be a Bell end?"

"Samson!"

"Don't call me that."

"You do know, don't you? You do get that a massive part of me just wants to jump on you right now and say to hell with spinal injury and HIV?"

"A _massive_ part of me wants that too…." he grinned, laughing with a guttural cackle.

"You're _hilarious_ you really are."

"Seriously though? No, no I did not know that….." said Sam, his voice and manner falling to a sincere and wistful smile and grateful nod of his head, "… but I'm sure glad I do now."

"I'm into you Sam Stabler."

"I'm into you to Leah-belle."

"Oh, well _that's _new…." she smiled warmly. Though they may not have managed to physically cement their relationship it was those little moments. Those quiet intimacies like the one in which he coined his pet name for her that allowed her to believe they stood a chance. A fighting chance.

* * *

"I brought you some things."

"Bambi you didn't have to do that."

"I know I didn't….." said Eve quietly, lingering in the doorway of the home Texas now shared with Gil Amaro and clutching a box of various treats and candies, "… but I wanted to."

"Even after I was a giant ass to you the other night?" smirked Calvin, holding the door for her and beckoning her in.

"Even after."

"I…."

"You weren't an ass. Well, at least not a giant one and I guess I wasn't exactly lovely myself."

"You were, you are….." said Calvin quickly, his eyes lingering as he lifted the corners of thin lips to a smile, "… you're lovely."

"Well, thank you…." she smiled back, a little coy when he was so painfully earnest, "… for that."

"How's it going? How you doing?" he asked, because he always asked, because it mattered. She genuinely believed, she held a strong faith, that no matter what happened between them or how much water passed under the bridge he would always care deeply about her. "You had a session yesterday, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I did. It was fine. It was okay. It was….." hesitating a moment she looked up, found his eyes, and smiled tiredly, "…. it is what it is."

"They any closer to finding the bastard?"

"I don't know. I don't care."

"You will do though. One day you'll care more than you know right now."

"Calvin all those things I said the other night…." quietly, hesitantly, she felt her way through the dark, "… just know that I meant every word, okay? I know you think it's giving up but maybe it's just giving in: to the inevitable. We're inevitable. I really do believe that."

"You'll keep going to your sessions, right?" he asked, not dismissive of the notion, but equally not willing to talk about it in that moment. "You'll talk to your Mom. Keep talking to Livia. Talk to Sam. Hell I don't care who you talk to, just talk Evie, just as long as you talk."

"It's not about you being the last resort."

"No?" he tested, eyes narrowing slightly. They were not having this conversation, not really, but she couldn't let him leave under a false impression of her heartfelt sincerity.

"You're the one thing I'm sure of. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. My head and my heart are so full of all this blackness and fear and confusion and I just have no idea what's going to happen to me. All I do know is that I love you."

"I love you too Evie G."

"From the bottom of my broken heart Arliss….." she choked, her face crumbling as she stepped forward and grabbed his face, kissing him tenderly.

"Baby…." he murmured, cradling her gently and kissing at her nose and cheeks.

"Even when the whole world has turned to shit and I don't believe in anything anymore I still believe in you. I still believe in us."

"Write me?"

"Count on it."

"Evie….."

"Let's not, okay?" she said quickly, murmuring hot words against his cheek as she kissed it lovingly and repeated. "Not now, not today?"

"We both know it's there, it's always been there. It's never gone away. It's the giant fucking elephant in the room."

"It's not just in the room….." she whispered, her face so sad and so broken but also so breathtakingly full of love for him and hope for them, "… it's sitting on my chest."

"Mine too…." he said, nodding slowly and holding back a sigh. Eyes filling with tears she could not have loved him more in that moment: the grace in his surrender and the tenderness in his patient, unconditional love. "I get it Bambi. I get it and it's okay. It's okay."

"No it isn't, it isn't and I know it. I just can't, right now….." voice cracking she bit hard on her lip and mouthed, "….I'm so sorry…."

"Don't be, don't you dare say you're sorry….." he countered quickly, squeezing her in a tight hug and kissing at her hair, "… just keep fighting, baby, just keep swimming and you'll find the surface and you'll be able to breathe again I swear."


	11. And The Reason Is You

"I just feel like, like I don't know who I am anymore. I thought it was just what happened in San Francisco, I thought that was it, that was the whole deal but maybe it isn't. Maybe this started before that I just didn't realise it. Looking back now I'm not even sure I wanted to go there, to that job, to the other side of the country where I didn't know anyone and they're unnaturally bendy."

"Bendy?" asked the kind, slate eyes of the therapist peering at Eve over tortoise shell glasses.

"I mean they do yoga all the time, all over the place. I barely even get to the gym most weeks."

"So you feel like this uncertainty, this insecurity surrounding your future might not be entirely connected with the attack?"

"I've always had everything so planned out. Ever since I was a little girl. My whole life my identity has been so clear. I was Olivia Benson's daughter, you know? That meant something. That meant a lot of things. It shaped how people treated me. How they would talk and act around me. It wasn't a bad thing, it was good, it was nice, everyone was so nice to me. She's just, well, she's kind of a huge deal in that world you know? In every world….." pausing a beat Eve met the therapists eyes and flashed a self-conscious smile, "…in my world."

"Your mother is quite a lady I can't deny that."

"And being the daughter of two SVU detectives? There's that too."

"How do you feel like that affected you Eve?"

"Lots of ways I guess."

"Can you talk to me about some of them? What's in your head right now? Paint it. What does it look like?"

"I don't know how to paint it. It's just that I've always been so clear who I am."

"Okay?"

"I've been defined by so many giant truths."

"Such as?"

"Well, first off, that I'm the affair that Detective Benson and Detective Stabler had. I'm the baby that broke up Kathy and my Dad's marriage."

"Do you feel that you've carried blame for that? Has it been something that's troubled you?"

"Sometimes, maybe, I don't know. It didn't screw me up if that's what you mean. I love my Mom and Dad more than anything. I guess it made things weird with Dad but we're past that now. We really are."

"That's really great to hear."

"I always did great in school, sometimes without even trying. I felt bad how hard Sammy had to work for stuff that came so easy to me. They always voted me prettiest, most popular. I was the cheerleader, I ran track and played volleyball to State."

"And did those things make you feel good? Did they give you your identity?"

"I thought so. For a long time I really thought so. Mostly I just wanted to go to Brown. I'd have all these pictures stuck up around my room of the campus and these random kids I didn't even know that went there. They were going to be my friends. It's so dumb that I didn't think about how they'd be long gone by the time I got there. I was just so sure that one day I _would _get there."

"And you did, didn't you? You told me how you graduated second in your class this past summer?"

"Yeah, yeah I did."

"And who were you then? When you walked across the stage? When you switched your tassel across the other side of your mortar board, who was that Evie?"

"I…." she didn't know, and it was only in that moment that she finally realised as much.

"It's okay, it's okay darling. That was a big question. A rhetorical one for today if needs be. You don't need to know how to answer it right now, tomorrow, even next month or next year. All you need to realise is that it's _okay _not to have an answer for it. I feel like that's the most important thing for you to learn right now, what do you think?"

"I had this stupid dream. I used to love the movie Thelma and Louise when I was a kid, you know it, right?"

"Oh sure I do. Yeah, yeah it's a classic."

"I had this crazy idea that on my graduation day I'd just take off. I'd just buy or rent or steal a red '69 Thunderbird and head out across the US. Just go wherever the wind took me. No plans, no fear."

"And what stopped you? I mean I wouldn't advise or condone stealing a car but what made you go to San Francisco? You could've gone travelling, you could've taken a year out, or you could've stayed in the city. You held all the cards, what made you choose to play the one you did?"

"I think that mostly I….."

"Go on?" she was nice, thought Eve with a warm smile. She had tried so hard to dislike Mel and yet she had failed at every attempt. It was helping. Sitting in these sessions, talking things through, talking to someone outside of her family was helping immensely and she was glad to allow it to continue doing so.

"You don't know this but everyone else does….." chewing on her cheek, caught a little coy, Eve tugged long sleeves down over her hands and confessed quietly, "….but, well, I don't really like to fail."

"No?" it did not come as any kind of surprise to Melanie Byron that this was the case. Her wry smile and eyebrow arch betrayed as much.

"I never really have failed, at anything, ever, actually. All those things I said before? The person I was before? She had a good life, she had a _great _life. It wasn't perfect, stuff happened to her, to that Evie, but mostly it was all pretty awesome."

"I can see that. I can understand."

"I mean who gets a job right out of college these days, right?"

"Right, right you did extremely well."

"I love New York. I'm not a West Coast girl. I missed my family. I missed home. Even before that night, even before it happened I knew that. I don't think I realised exactly what it is that I wanted yet but I knew that it wasn't that. That job, that apartment, that life."

"And now?"

"I really still have no clue!" laughed Eve, a little breathless at how good it felt to say that out loud and not have the sky fall down. "I have no idea what I want to do now. What career I want, where I want to live, even what I want for dinner tonight."

"Well, like we've spoken about, you don't need to let that worry you. You have your family; you have a home, a safe place to be and to heal. Everything else can come with time. You're still so young and trust me when I tell you that there are people twice your age who haven't been through what you've been through who don't have a clue what they want."

"I know, I know that and it does make me feel better and I'm so grateful that my family are so great."

"When you know, you'll just know. When something comes along that just feels right, it feels like it's the path you're meant to take then you'll know in your gut and if I've done my job right then you'll be ready for it. You'll be strong enough to grab it with both hands."

"There is one thing…."

"Evie?" suddenly Mel saw a little flicker, a glimmer, a firefly in the darkness of her patient's eyes. "What is it?"

"There is one thing I know I want. It didn't just come along and it feels like it's _always_ been there. I don't remember what it was like before I….." chewing on her cheek she ventured slowly, "….it's just I'm just scared that I'm _not _ready for it and I'm _not _ strong enough."

"What is it, honey?"

"It's not a what…." she smiled with a nervous energy, a daring, an enduring love, "… it's a who. It's a him and he's the Thunderbird."

"The what?" she remembered the story but she needed Eve to tell it again. She needed her to connect the emotions, to articulate them, to give the emotions words and voice.

"He's it. He's the chance I should've taken. He's the no plan, no map, no fear, and no clue where the hell we're going drive into the unknown. I should've said yes when he proposed. I should've just gotten in the car and figured it out as we went along."

"And when you turned down this person's proposal did it end your relationship completely? Is it an impossibility than you still take that chance? "

"No, no he….."

"He's what?"

"He's waiting for me…." said Eve, her eyes widening in epiphany as she felt the dam burst and real emotions start to resound again, "… he's waiting for me."

"Evie?" said Mel, setting down her pen and leaning forward in a show of physical and emotional support to her client. "Honey? Talk to me? Use your words. Give me something. What's going on in your head right now? Let's talk it down?"

"He's waiting for me."

"And what…."

"Mel I know at first I wasn't buying into this. I know I was difficult and obstructive and I can't say sorry enough times for that. You've just been so awesome and you still are awesome and we're so far from done I know that. I know that I'm still a million miles from being okay with what happened and I'm not saying that I'm going to stop coming to see you or stop doing any of the things that we've put in place to help me work through…."

"Eve take a breath? Take a beat. What are you trying to ask me?"

"I don't ever want to go back to that place. I'm scared to death. I am **terrified **of that person who couldn't even get out of bed or shower or walk to the store without turning around every four steps to see who's behind her. I'm scared that if I do this then I'll mess up everything that we've done here."

"Do what?" but Mel could see the answer in her patient's eyes. She was ready to get in the car. She was strong enough.

"There's a boy, a guy, my guy: the guy. He's the one and I want to tell him. I need to tell him that."

"Okay….." nodding slowly, wondering whether her professional code would allow her to make some kind of warning smoke signal in good friend Olivia's direction.

"Mel you keep asking me to paint you a picture of who Evie is. At high school, at graduation, in San Francisco before the attack, afterwards, at home, on the subway. I've tried but I think what I should've told you was that the best picture of me? The one where I'm laughing and smiling and safe and free and excited and just the _best _Evie that there is…" shrugging her shoulders she let it go, she finally released the white knuckles that had been hanging on and gave in to just how much she loved Calvin and how he was the chance she was prepared to take, "… is the one where I'm with him."

"One condition?"

"What?" asked Eve, a little surprised at Mel's uncharacteristic bluntness.

"Talk to Olivia."

"Yeah?"

"Evie, honey, you have worked so hard, you have fought _so hard _these past few weeks. Yes you're right in what you say that there's still a long way to go and we're _not _done here. We'll talk again next week. We'll talk again whenever you need to. This is a process, a journey, a road back: but you just took a giant leap, girl. You realise that?"

"So you think it's okay? If I talk to my Mom first? If I tell them what I'm doing then you sign it off? I can go get Calvin?"

"As long as you keep your support network in place….." reaching for Eve's hand and giving it a warm squeeze Mel nodded with a grin, "… you go get your guy, honey."

* * *

"Lee? Leah? Hey?"

"I'm sorry….."

"Are you crying?" he could see she was, and rolling onto his side Sam stroked at her tear stained cheeks and furrowed a thick, dark brow with concern. "What's wrong? I mean I know it was a little clumsy, a little awkward. It wasn't that bad though, right?"

"No, no it was…." she began, dragging at the sheet until it was tucked under her chin and ensuring there was a clear line of divide between their naked bodies. "Just don't touch me for a second okay? I'm sorry."

"I wish you'd stop apologising."

"I'm sor…."

"What is it? What's going on? I mean I thought that was pretty great. Considering the odds against us and the logistical situation of me being only half a person I…."

"Oh! Oh don't say that, don't you say that. That's awful Sam."

"We did it Leah. We had sex. I thought you'd be….." realising he wasn't entirely sure how to end the sentence, wasn't sure how he thought she would react only that it was other than this he sighed, "… well, that you'd be something different than this. Why are you so sad?"

"I'm not sad I'm…."

"What?"

"Is this how it's always going to be? I mean this isn't fun for me Sam. This isn't sexy. It's clinical. It's awkward and controlled and I feel like a freak, a science experiment. We planned this. We planned this like it was a military op and we were Nieto and his guys in the Situation Room. This isn't romance, it wasn't love. All I can think about lying here is damn I hope that condom held out."

"I mean I think the fact that we managed it at all needs to be considered a win."

"You do?" she smarted, a little tart. "Do you really? Is that what you think?"

"Leah…."

"I'm gonna go get dressed, get some air….."

"You don't think that this is maybe something we should get done talking about before you run off?"

"Just let me breathe a while?" she asked, and he knew it wasn't that she was unwilling to talk. He trusted she would come back.

He trusted that they were tough enough to handle what was in reality the most truly adult test he had ever been faced with. Every other challenge, trauma, event in his life had been thrust upon him. Yes dealing with his accident had been almost impossibly difficult. Yes Evie's attack was brutal and cruel twist of fate but it had been one that none of them had held any control over. This was his choice. This struggle, this pain, this tug of war between wants and desires and the safe option was exhausting. So he let her go. He let her go because he was no better equipped to deal with their situation than she was. Lying back against the pillow he closed his eyes and sighed heavily.

* * *

"Tell me I haven't lost my mind. Tell me we haven't lost our minds letting her go?"

"Elliot stop this, stop it. You know when I start beating myself up like you're doing right now you're the first one to shake me. You're the first one to tell me that it serves no purpose. All we can do is what we feel in our guts is right. You taught me that. Sweetheart _you _taught me that….." wandering around the sofa and slumping down beside her husband Olivia lay a tender hand on his thigh, "… you taught me just about everything I know about being a parent and that was always your golden rule."

"Yeah well my golden rule has put our baby girl in a car bound for North Carolina when she should be here with her mother."

"I know you want to wrap her in cotton wool and I'm right there with you. Only we can't. We can't stop her running because we're terrified she'll fall. She _will_ fall."

"She fell so damn hard last time I'm still not sure she'll ever get all the way back up again…." murmured Elliot, as Olivia valiantly attempted to neutralise his baleful melancholy, "… are you?"

"She came to us, babe. She sat us down, talked to us, three adults having a conversation. She had spoken to Mel, she'd thought it through. She made the decision that she was ready and strong enough to do this. Heck she was even smart enough to realise she needed her brother's support and Texas to share the drive. We are _not _dealing with a cotton candy headed teenager anymore Elliot. Evie knows her own mind, she knows her own strength and what she is and isn't capable of."

"I guess so."

"I know so."

"Yeah?" he asked, finding a smile for her. Just for her.

"Baby girl will _always _belong here with us Elliot but you heard her this morning, you saw that smile on her face and fire in her eyes when she talked about taking this trip. She hasn't been that completely alive since she got back from San Francisco. The way I see it right now loving, supporting, helping her heal isn't keeping her here wrapped in cotton wool….." as he reached to his thigh and lay his hand over hers she laced her fingers in his and turned her head to find his eyes, "… it's letting her follow her heart down to Fort Bragg."

"If Hercules breaks her heart I will break his tree trunk neck."

"Yeah, yeah I don't think so old man….." she knew just how sincere he was in his intentions, but they shared a chuckle as she quipped, "… he's ten tonnes of Airborne muscle and he'd make paste of you, sweetheart."

"Hey I still got it!" protested Elliot, feeling his body relax into hers as he draped an arm around Olivia's shoulders and drew her close. Kissing at her hair he breathed in the familiar scent of fruity shampoo and smiled, "Okay, yeah, no, you're right. I just don't know what she'll do if she goes down there heart on her sleeve and Tarzan turns her down."

"Can you seriously see that happening?" smiling broadly Olivia had full confidence, with every muscle of her being that it wouldn't. Elliot smiled back, at first just a lift at the corners of his mouth but soon a face lighting grin. Leaning in he kissed at Olivia's face and murmured lovingly.

"When he sees these cheekbones, this perfect nose, and her mama's smile….." finding her lips he kissed her tenderly, deepening it and breathing, "… no, no I do not."

"Are you going to freak out?" she smiled, closing her eyes and drinking him in. It felt so unspeakably good to feel so close again. "When she tells you they're back together?"

"Honestly?" he shocked her by the sudden choke in his throat and tears in his eyes. "I swear to God I just want to hear my little girl laughing again."

"Oh babe, oh sweetheart, come here…." she murmured, turning herself around and grabbing for his face, kissing him with an urging intimacy and bottomless affection, "… she will, she will, don't cry."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" with a level smile she met his eyes, feeling his hands move to her chest she maintained his gaze as he unbuttoned the front of her blouse. "Yeah?" she repeated, but this time the inflection in her voice was suggestion, flirtation, a curious testing of his intention.

"I miss you…" he whispered, pushing at the material on her shoulders as she shrugged her arms free and stroked at his face and neck.

"I miss you too….." she replied at a low purr. He knew those bedroom eyes, he smirked in greeting. Dimples flashing he got up from the sofa and held out a hand for hers.

"So you know the kids are gone and…."

"El? Babe?" waiting for his full attention before she threw her punch Olivia's eyes twinkled devilishly as her dry wit cracked, "I'm sat here with my shirt off already. What gave you the impression I still needed talking into this?"

"Come here….." he growled, feeling the blood coursing hot in his veins again where for weeks it had run cold, "… come here, get here, now."

"Wow, well, now you found your fight!" she laughed, that bar room rasp. Sliding his hand into hers he tugged her her up off the sofa and, grabbing at her waist he growled kisses into her neck.

"Bedroom?" he asked, arching an eyebrow as though it were merely one of many options.

"Oh sweetheart! I love you but let's not be ridiculous and pretend this is happening anywhere else than my 1000 thread Egyptian cotton…." she laughed, in that head back carefree way she only had since he had come into her life, "… I'm a woman entering her twilight years!"

"No, no you are not…." he countered, as they lingered in the bedroom doorway for another lingering kiss.

"Numbers don't lie…." she smiled lovingly.

"You don't look a day older than when you first walked into the 1-6 and knocked me sideways. You were hands down the best looking woman I'd ever seen….." he murmured, his blue eyes adoring as he stroked at her face and looked clean through her soul to add, "…. you still are."

* * *

"What are you doing here Bambi?"

"I had to see you. I had to talk to you."

"I…."

"Please just hear me out? Just listen? I have something to say."

"Okay, okay….." nodding slowly, seeing the way her hands trembled as she clutched them at her waist and realising whatever she had to tell him was gravely important. "… I'm listening."

"I'm not scared of us Cal, not anymore."

"Evie what are you saying?" he had to be perfectly clear. He had to have absolute clarity before he took another breath.

"I'm saying that my Mom was right. You're a solider, that's who you are and I get that. I can't change it. I won't try. I'm saying I'm done running. I'm done hiding. I'm ready."

"But…."

"I'm not their little girl anymore. I'm not naïve. I know what I'm getting into. I know that a life with you is a life with the US Army and I accept that. I understand that you have to follow the flag but what I'm saying is that I have to follow _you _Calvin."

"Evie are you serious? Because in New York….."

"I was an idiot. I said it all wrong. I knew what I meant but I didn't explain it very well. What I was trying to say is that all of that other stuff is just temporary, it's disposable. Maybe it took what happened in San Fran for me to realise it, maybe I already knew it I was just too stupid and stubborn to admit it. The job, the house, the car, all the things I dreamed of? They all mean nothing if I'm not with you."

"So…."

"State Cheer Championships? High School Graduation? Brown? Every time Mel makes me talk about that stuff in therapy it always comes down to the same thing: they meant what they meant because my family were all right there with me. And you're my family too Calvin. You have been there in good and bad and ugly without question, without hesitation and that is everything, it's just everything to me and….."

"To me too."

"We _are_ written in a bathroom stall….." she teased. She dazzled him, like rocket glare, like a shooting star like a bursting firework.

"You're mocking me but carry on because I think I kinda like the sound of where this is all going."

"What I'm saying is that I fell totally and completely head over heels in love with you when I was sixteen years old and despite all the crap life has thrown at us that has just never gone away."

"Like a bad smell?"

"Like an annoying itch."

"Shut up."

"You make me happy, Cal."

"Yeah?" he smirked, as they settled with such effortless ease into their old patter. Loving, teasing, gentle, constantly growing and surprising.

"You make me madder than anyone on the planet, you make me cry like that crazy terrorist lady, but you also make me laugh so hard I snort milkshake out my nose and…."

"Oh my God that was the grossest thing I've ever…."

"It's you, Arliss."

"For real?" he asked, because this was it. This was the moment. This was their moment. This was the conversation that would determine the rest of their lives.

"It has always been you, it _will _always be you. I know that in my bones. I know it's gonna be hard. I know we're gonna have a rough ride. I know that you're gonna be gone sometimes and I'm gonna have to suck it up and move wherever we're told to even when you are home but I want in. I want there to be an 'us' again. I want you, Cal."

"You've really thought this through? You're sure?"

"It's not _just _you I want…." she nodded slowly, swallowing hard and feeling sure beyond words that she was speaking from her heart as she amended her earlier statement, "….it's _only _you."

"Damn it Evie G you've made me wait long enough."

"Shut up!"

"I've been hanging on, what, like six years for you to…."

"I'm worth the wait….." she grinned, grabbing for his arm and dragging him toward her.

"Yeah, yeah you are….." he grinned, moving cautiously and following her physical lead. She had to have the power. She had to be so certain she was in control. It killed him to hold back but he kept the line firmly in sight.

"We just take it slow though, yeah? Just figure it out as we go? Take some time?"

"As long as we're together I honestly don't give a damn Evie G….." he shrugged, as she reached for his hands and placed them lightly on her waist, "… we can go just whatever speed you want. You call the shots. I can promise you one thing though?"

"What's that?" she asked with a smile, stroking at his chest as he cradled her lightly in his arms.

"My kids are gonna have your eyes."

"I…." she gasped, her heart in a vice as her knees felt weak and her blood coursed so quickly through her veins she could feel it pounding in her neck and temples.

"Too much?" he smirked, knowing that though not a man of words he was capable of a bone shaking intensity that was perhaps a little beyond what Evie was capable of handling in that moment.

"No…." she murmured, breathless, rising to her tiptoes and pressing her lips tenderly against his.

"So, just, you know, for the record….." grinning from ear to ear he stroked at her cheek with the back of his hand, running rough knuckles over peachy skin and tilting his head, "… I am so fucking in love with you Evie G."

"That was very delicate, that was sweet, really it was almost Shakespearean it…."

"Hey?" he interjected, silencing her with just a look and a slow, smiling shake of his head. Neither his course tongue nor her sarcastic chiding could taint that moment. He wouldn't allow it. It was the closest thing to perfect that he had ever known: and so was she.

"I am so fucking in love with you too Calvin Arliss."

"Don't say fucking, Bambi."


	12. Made For Each Other Imperfectly

"Everything alright?"

"Fine."

"Liv?"

"I need to be careful. I need to pay more attention….." confessed Olivia, maintaining the pledge she had made months earlier to be as honest with Elliot about her diabetes as she could be, "…. I think I've gotten a little distracted lately. I can fix it."

"Come back in here, come here, come sit…." beckoned Elliot, calling her back into bed as she crossed the bedroom with two coffees and her morning juice. "Talk to me?"

"What do you want to talk about, sweetheart?" she asked, with not a hint of sarcasm. Wrapping her fingers around her steaming coffee mug she looked at him with open, giving brown eyes and smiled warmly, "Huh?"

"Sex was never our problem. We've always been damn good at that."

"Well…." her smile became an indulgent grin as the previous evening's bliss came flooding back in hot waves.

"Me not letting you in on what's going on in my messed up head: that's one of our problems. You thinking you can fix the whole world and everyone in it all by yourself is another."

"I can't fix everything….." said Olivia quietly, blowing on her drink, taking a sip and then swallowing hard, "… right now it feels like I can't fix _anything _at all."

"Mouse is doing okay. She's not good, she's not done feeling all this but she's hanging on in there. I trust that. I really do. I am one hundred per cent happy to have her down in North Carolina with Sam and Texas as wingmen. Hercules won't turn her away. That kid will be there with open arms..." he had never said it in as few words before, and it touched Olivia when he did so then, "…and I trust him with our girl."

"What if she doesn't come back from Fort Bragg? Are you ready for that?"

"Are you?" he shot back, because their answer was the same. Of course they weren't, of course they were. They would reconcile with it when the time came because if that was where Eve's heart lie then they would let her follow it.

"You know it isn't even Evie I'm worried about right now. That's crazy, right? All that she's dealing with, her deciding to go have this big moment of truth with Calvin and she isn't the one I'm losing sleep over."

"Sammy?"

"I found a condom in his trash El."

"He's sleeping with Leah?" murmured Elliot with a grim expression he felt guilty for betraying. Leah Bell was a smart, sassy, intelligent and compassionate young woman and she had been mercy in his son's life for many years. He just knew that loving her came with a price and he wasn't a selfless enough man to wholeheartedly encourage his son paying it.

"Well he's having sex with someone and either way I'm scared to death. I hate to say that. It's not ignorance, it's not a lack of awareness about how possible it is to have a healthy physical relationship with someone who's positive but there's a risk. You can't deny that. I just hope they're being careful, being smart, I just hope they're handling the emotional implications."

"Trust you to think of that…." he chuckled with profound admiration and unabashed adoration.

"What?"

"I mean my head is jumping straight to that condom splitting or her antiviral combination not doing its thing and our son getting HIV. You're worrying about how the two of them are _feeling _about the situation."

"Leah feels like a leper. She's never said it in as many words but I've talked to that kid so many times and it's always there. It's her biggest fear. It's how the two of them stayed platonic for so long."

"As far as we knew they still were."

"Is it any wonder? I mean it was one thing when Evie's sex life was under the family microscope because of Cal's age but this is different. This _could not _be more personal and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that Sam's protecting Leah by keeping it a secret. What do we do, El? How'd we help them?"

"You talk to them."

"Oh, great, thanks for that!" scoffed Olivia, missing the weight behind his suggestion as she tossed her eyes. "Why'd I draw the short straw?"

"You didn't. I just know if I were a confused, vulnerable teenager feeling awkward and self-conscious about trying to be in a relationship when you're HIV I can't think of anyone I'd rather talk to."

"Than your boyfriend's mother?"

"She knows you, she already trusts you. She knows you're not gonna judge her, push or pull her against your own ethical code. Hell if I had even half of your ability to connect with people I'd weigh in but…."

"You tried to give Evie the sex talk using a cucumber?"

"It was a zucchini."

"It was…." she half said half snorted, and Elliot balked at her mocking eyes, "… it was, I stand corrected."

"I was trying to show you how I could do the big, sensitive chats too."

"Yeah, no, I think we all learned a lot that day….." biting her lip to hide a teasing smirk Olivia quipped drily, "… including how to have safe sex with a vegetable."

"Are you done mocking me? Because I seriously…."

"I will _never _be done mocking you Elliot Stabler…." she confessed, creasing her nose in wrinkles and taking another slurp of coffee while massaging his thigh with her free hand, "…. I'll talk to Leah, babe, I will. You're right, it's a good call. I'll see what I can do."

* * *

"Are you sure we're okay doing this? Like I don't see anyone else here, baby?"

"So you're _still _a little goody two shoes, huh?" smirked Calvin, grabbing for Eve's hand and walking her toward the pool.

"We're not supposed to be here either, are we?" she asked, rolling her eyes as Calvin tossed his towel and locker key onto a nearby bench and stretched his arms up over his head ignoring her withering glare. "Did you just break us into a military facility Arliss? Am I going to be court martialled?"

"What?" he laughed, as she stood with her towel clutched around herself. "Bambi you can't court martial a civilian."

"Well arrest me then? They could do that right?"

"For what? For being so paranoid? For being such a little priss…." he teased, tugging at her hand and tipping his head toward the still calm of the turquoise water behind them, "… come on?"

"For trespassing after hours!"

"Nash has me covered. They won't miss me tonight. Sammy and Tex are in a motel, right?"

"Right but….."

"So you gonna swim with your towel on or?" he knew she was sensitive. He knew her scars were still healing, her wounds were still raw but he pushed past it. He pushed her, because he trusted her to trust him to do so.

"It's fine for you, you've got dry clothes!" she protested coyly, unusually so for her. He waited a moment, patient, letting her breathe. "I'll have to sit in wet underwear till I get to the motel."

"Bambi honestly I don't care if you swim in your underwear, your towel, hell you can swim in my clothes if you want. Or I'll get you something to wear back to the motel. If you don't even wanna swim at all then that's cool it's just you said before you thought I'd be fun and….."

"I've showered in my PJs since San Francisco."

"What?" he heard himself ask instantaneously after her blurted confession.

"It's not about getting my clothes wet. I don't give a crap about that. My Dad used to let Sammy and me ride all the way back from Coney in wet clothes when we were kids. Mom tried to tell him we'd get hypothermia or whatever but…."

"Evie…."

"I want my life back Cal."

"Baby what he did to you it's gonna take time to….."

"If I let it destroy me then he wins. You told me that."

"I'm an idiot."

"You are, that's true….." flashing a little smirk she quickly sobered again to sigh lovingly, "… but you're also right."

"I am? Wait? What was that? Can I just get a repeat on that part where you told me I was right for once?"

"Shut up!" she laughed, loosening the arm clutched around her chest and allowing the towel to fall below her purple bra. "I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that girl who just folds in on herself. Who's just so ashamed and afraid and spends the rest of her life this scared shadow of a person because of what some bastard took from her."

"Take my hand?"

"What?"

"Just do it, just do it, Miss Mouth, please?" he laughed gruffly, and after a lingering meeting of eyes she kept her right hand pinning the towel to her body and gave him her left palm. "Right, cool, so on three it's towel off and jump yeah?"

"No!"

"One…."

"Calvin, no."

"Two…."

"Calvin!"

"Three!"

"No!" she screamed, elated, relieved, euphoric. There was no thinking. Her mind was completely blank. All she could feel was her hand gripped in his, all she could hear was the towel flop against the tiles and then water. Water rushing into her ears and drowning out the world. White noise. Oblivion. Freedom.

"How'd you feel?" he asked, shaking the water from his eyes as they burst up to the surface and she gasped and gulped for air.

"Like….." taking another giant lungful she flashed a bright white smile and squeezed the hand still holding hers a little tighter, "… like I can breathe again."

"I was kinda meaning in a more touchy feely kinda way but…."

"No, no baby I mean….." she panted, swimming into his chest and looping her legs around his waist while her hand broke free from his and her arms draped around his neck, "… like I can _breathe _again."

"That's good, right?" he missed her nuanced point but she didn't care. It made her laugh. Stroking at the nape of his neck she crushed at his waist with her thighs and forced the water out from between their bodies. Kissing him with an ardency that relit a flame that had never died, but simply smouldered as white hot ash during their months apart she felt a little more of herself return.

"Hey? Cal?" she murmured, parting their lips for only milliseconds at a time between hungry kisses, "Baby?"

"Umm?" came the preoccupied mumble as Calvin stroked tenderly at the small of her back underwater and soaked up every single sensation in the moment.

"Race you! Two laps!"

"Oh! No! Bad, bad sportsmanship Bambi!" he cried as she propelled herself away from him and set out swimming down the pool.

"Can't stop me now!" came the burbled yell in reply.

"You swam at regionals Evie!"

"You're a freakin' US solider Arliss! Man up!"

She could tell her bad arm was weakened by its break but it was healing. It was feeling stronger by the day. And, she realised as she ducked her head in and out of the water, so was she.

* * *

"She's literally the cutest baby I've ever seen."

"Ach you're a charmer Small Stabler, you're a charmer."

"No, no you don't even know how much I never used to like kids. I'm not that person. Vee? She is. She's as bad as my Mom. Actually that's probably where she gets it from. They just lose their minds if they're waiting in line beside a stroller. They're _those _women, you know? I really could care less. Well, at least, I used to be that way."

"Used to be?"

"I mean they're snotty and whiney and gross and annoying and somehow their hands always smell like butter. Why is that? Do you parents just like give them a hunk of it to suck on?"

"Yes absolutely. That's what 'we parents' do, collectively, as a group decision. We feed our kids chunks of pure fat just for shits and giggles. Honey you're a fruit loop!"

"I know you've had a kind of ropey ride Tex….." said Sam with that warm, soft smile she so adored in Eve's younger brother, "…. but you knocked it out the park with Leni and I'm not even just saying that to win the pizza/Chinese debate."

"You can order your pizza, cutie…." she laughed, ruffling his hair as she passed the small fold out bed he had nobly volunteered to sleep on and winked, "…. whether it was your strategy or not you really have charmed me all over again Sam."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Pepperoni."

"What?"

"I took a guess….." she laughed.

A bar room laugh, that's what Elliot always said, and Sam knew what she meant. He never meant it in a derogatory way, however. Texas was just fun. She was alive and despite all her demons and the darkness of her past she felt to him to be truly liberated. She never judged, never sought out an ulterior motive, she took things on face value and credited people for their actions over their words. She a female Calvin, he thought with a fond smile.

"Did you want kids? Like when you were younger, when you were my age, did you?"

"Maybe, no, actually I don't know. I think there was always a little something in my blood that expected it. In my life, the way I was with men the chances were pretty…." catching herself she waited a moment, before realising that Sam was no child anymore, "… my point is that it wasn't that I didn't want to be a mother. I just didn't think I would ever be any good at it."

"I know you had another daughter…."

"I **have **another daughter."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I…."

"It's okay! It's fine, honestly. It's just something I like to be very clear about. Not just for myself and for Sophia but Elena too. I want her to know I've been honest with her, always. I'm Sophia's mother every bit as much as I'm Leni's but I'm just not her Mom. It took me a really, really long time to be okay with that but I wasn't ready. I just was not ready to be a parent when I had her."

"Yeah, yeah, man I can't imagine having a kid right now."

"But one day?" asked Texas softly, watching the way Leni's chubby little hands fisted themselves around Sam's thumbs. He smiled adoringly, waving back and forth and then bringing their four hands to her belly and tickling her tenderly.

"It doesn't happen for everyone, you know."

"Oh but honey you know that T-9ers have kids all the time, right? There are ways even if you can't go down the conventional route it doesn't mean for a second that you can't….."

"Leah doesn't want kids….." lifting his eyes to Texas' he shrugged, "… period."

"Not even adoption? Surrogacy?" she offered, profoundly sensitive to Leah's situation. "I mean I understand her fears."

"She's convinced she's going to die young. She has it all planned out. She doesn't want to be a Mom at all. It's just a total no-go."

"But I mean her doctors aren't saying that…."

"No she is. It's all her."

"I see…." nodding slowly Texas wondered whether perhaps they hadn't reached the limit on which their friendship could bend. She wasn't his buddy, his amigo, she wasn't his confidant the way Calvin was. She wasn't his sister whom he was so beautifully close with.

"I've not told a single person what I'm about to tell you Tex…."

"Okay?" she swallowed, as he lifted Leni up onto his shoulder and their relationship charted new and previously uncharted waters.

"I'm not ready for kids right now. I mean I'm still crazy young and when I see you and Gil all domestic and even Cal and Evie headed in that direction I know that's true. There are still a tonne of things I want to do before I get to that point. I wanna go to college, even if it's just community. I want to get a decent job and move out my parents' place. My dreams have _never _been as big as Vee's and I really lost my way after the accident but I'm getting back now. I'm figuring shit out."

"Hell yeah you are."

"But Tex I'm not ready to say **never **to kids either…."

"Oh Sam, oh honey….." she sighed, walking over to the bed and squeezing his shoulder supportively.

"Leah isn't going to change her mind. I know that. I know it for certain. So I guess what I've been kind of in denial about until hanging out with you and Leni on this trip is that it's kind of a deal breaker. It's kind of gonna break us unless I decide that being with her is more important than ever being a Dad."

* * *

"What?"

"What?"

"Well I dunno you're just kinda staring at me there, baby. What's going on? You doing okay?"

"Can't a girl just stare at her hot solider boyfriend without there being something going on?" smiled Eve, dissolving into almost teenage giggles again as she sat cross legged on Calvin's bed. Damp hair pulled off a flawless tan face she glowed. It was the first time he had seen her look well, look herself, in a long time. He smiled back. Feeling her heart flutter Eve realised what it was to feel clean again, to feel whole, to feel loved in its purest form.

"Can I come sit?" he asked, because he always asked, and she adored him for it. Nodding quickly she smoothed the blankets on his barracks bed and patted the space beside her. "I wish you could dry your hair. You'll catch cold."

"Yeah well I guess you guys really don't have so much to blow out round here…." she teased fondly, reaching up and running her fingertips across the tickling bristle of Calvin's buzz cut. "Are you sure we're you're not gonna get in trouble having me stay over like this?"

"Nash owes me one. Besides, my CO is pretty cool about turning a blind eye as long as I haul ass to dawn PT he's good. We gotta get you out of here before that. I'll take you back to the motel at, like, five or something. That cool?"

"Sure, course, I don't care I'll do whatever….." she nodded, genuinely willing to follow his lead as long as he kept looking at her the way he was in that moment, "….if it means I can just stay here with you as long as I can."

"We gotta figure this all out. I mean you'll be back in New York and I'm down here most of the time. We can work on a schedule. I can come up there as often as I can. You can come down here. There's some pretty cool places I can take you. Charlotte, Raleigh, we can go to the coast to Myrtle Beach and drive north to Norfolk."

"And you'll come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas right?" she asked, reaching for his hand and playing absentmindedly with his fingers. "I mean my Mom already planned on inviting Gil and Nick and Texas and Leni. Fin and Melinda always come, well, at least they always have before. Leah's family are crazy religious so she usually stays home and just comes round for Charades in the evening but….." trailing off she pulled a face and furrowed her brow, "… what? What's funny?"

"You are. Thinking I need asking twice to come to your family for the holidays."

"Oh…." she laughed warmly, rolling her eyes. "Hey, what are you doing?" she asked, watching him toss a heap of blankets onto the floor and grab for a spare pillow.

"What? It still gets cold here at night."

"Then you better come snuggle hadn't you?" holding out her hand for his she returned his smile. "I mean this bed is kind small. It's like freshman year at Brown all over again."

"Am I still big spoon?" it made her giggle to hear such a giant lump of Airborne muscle dissolve to sugary mulch around her. Falling down onto the bed Calvin lifted an arm, waited for her to cuddle in, and then folded his strong grip around her.

"I remember it was warm that night. Warmer than it had been all summer even with the breeze off the Bay. I hadn't taken a jacket and I could hear Momma's voice in my head telling me I ought to have…."

"Evie you don't have to do this, not now, not tonight….." he murmured softly, kissing at her cheek as his chin rested on her shoulder from behind.

"Yeah, yeah baby I do."

"Well, okay, then I'm listening."

"I could hear her telling me how it's not about how the world should be its how it is. I could see her eyes telling me that even though what a girl was wearing is **never** justification and statistics didn't really show it increased the odds she wasn't taking any chances. Wear a jacket, Evie. I could hear her when he grabbed at my arm, right here, just above my elbow."

"You're alright, I gotcha….." affirmed Calvin, holding her a little tighter.

"There was barely anyone else around since I'd come out the club so early. It was too late for people still to be waiting in line but too early for most people to be leaving. There was just this one group of guys but they were so gone they just cheered him on. Told him to get lucky. They didn't see what was happening. They could barely see past the end of their own noses. I tried to yell. I screamed for help until he stuffed his sweater in my mouth."

"Jesus, baby."

"In the alley I just stopped screaming. I felt so nauseous. I was scared if I screamed it'd only make him madder and he'd just….." she could feel Calvin's muscles tense, she felt strangely protected by his fury. "His hands were just….." he needed to know, more than that she needed for him to know, "… everywhere."

"I love you." He said, because it was all he had. The only weapon in his arsenal that came even close to being able to fight her demons.

"He was so rough and he smelled like Sambuca and I just remember staring so hard at the streetlight I thought my eyes were going to dry up and pop out my skull. Like if I didn't look at him I could pretend it wasn't happening. Like I could be somewhere else, anywhere else. I don't know when it happened, when something inside me just flipped. I started screaming again."

"You fought him?" of course she did, he breathed with a devastated smile.

"I fought so hard Calvin I swear to God. I couldn't believe I'd ever stopped. He had his hands in my pants the whole time and I just stood there!"

"Evie, baby, no, no you don't do that. You **do not** talk like that, you here? That's shock. That's not you not fighting. That's not you not _wanting _to fight or being strong enough to. Your body just fucking shuts down when shit like that happens. If you weren't as fucking strong as you are then hell knows what he'd have…."

"We struggled and I guess that's when he broke my arm. I just threw these stupid, pathetic little punches you'd have died laughing. I just kept thinking how he wasn't going to rape me. Not while I was still breathing. He'd have to kill me first. Is that insane? That's so insane, right? I mean if Serena had thought like that then my Mom would never even have…."

"Evie?"

"Yeah?"

"You survived."

"I know but…."

"No, nah, no ifs and buts. You survived, baby. Yeah he didn't rape you but that doesn't make what he did do any less disgusting. Don't try act like it isn't. It's still a fucking violation. It's still fucking sick as hell. But you survived Evie and that's what matters, that's all that matters."

"I guess so."

"I know so and you know what else I know?"

"What?"

"You're still perfect to me."

"Cal…." she gaped, choked, voice straining to a break as he cut straight to the core of one of her deepest fears and insecurities. Closing her eyes she turned her head and buried it in his arm.

"Hey? Hey look at me?"

"I know he's changed how you feel, you know, about yourself. You're carrying shit that's gonna take a long time to shake. You just gotta know that that's all in your head Evie. Oh and I don't mean that how it sounds."

"I know you don't…." she smiled softly, falling more and more in love with him as she saw his mother's pain in his eyes and knew just how deeply it cut in his own veins. She remembered all the ways in which he'd loved and supported Texas and how hers was not the only storm he had stood tall through.

"I love you and I want you every bit as bad now as I did when you were sixteen years old and it was just a little bit wrong. What he did to you hasn't changed how I think you're the hottest girl on the fucking planet and I am gonna love the crap out of you till your old and wrinkly and can't find your reading glasses."

"Love me, love my mild dementia!"

"Bambi I'm serious."

"Lucky for you the women in my family age really, really well so…."

"Evie?"

"Just look at my Mom! She still totally gorgeous at …."

"Hey? Chatty?" he snapped, but the edges of his words were rounded and didn't bite. "See how I just put my guts right on a plate, really, far out there and you just kinda left them there. Just chillin' without, you know, high fiving my big romantic speech?"

"You can talk to my Dad."

"Huh?" he asked, genuinely missing her point.

Rolling onto her back Eve stared up at him, blue eyes wide and trusting. They glistened with fathomless forgiveness and love. Forgiveness of the stranger who had taken so much from her and love for the man who had returned it and so much more. Stroking at his warm chest through the soft khaki of his Army shirt she sighed contentedly and flashed a blissful smile. She felt safe again. She felt like she had finally made it home.

"You wanna know how far I'm in this with you Arliss? You want my guts on a plate?" she whispered, her lashes batting lazily as the world slowed and he began to understand her meaning. "Talk to my Dad."

"Seriously?"

"I have loved you since I was fifteen years old and I'm done being a million miles apart. I can't change what happened in San Francisco but I can change what happens next. I am going to marry you and make damn sure that the Army know you might be their solider but you're gonna be my husband. I'm gonna be your wife and that means I get to live down here with you and they have to listen to me. I get a voice."

"God help the US Army when they realise they've taken you on Evie Stabler."

"I don't want to be Evie Stabler anymore. She was naïve and selfish and idealistic and she took life for granted. Even after all the things she saw, even after her own brother was paralysed she was so dumb, she was such a child. I'm not that girl anymore."

"I mean I kinda liked that girl but…."

"We're gonna make this work Cal. I don't know how or what any of it's gonna look like. There are a million and one things I have no idea about but you're not one of them. We're not one of them."

"I can seriously go do the whole can I have your daughter thing with Mr S?"

"I mean I would probably work on your phrasing a little but….." she grinned, as he leant down and stole a kiss against her smile, "…. yes, yes you can."


	13. The Truth Will Out

Hello there! Apologies for my prolonged absence to one and all :) I was insanely busy at work and then had a two and a half week vacation so have only just managed to get back to writing. Hopefully you all still remember where we were and what was happening... and are ready to read more ;)

Sorry again for being incommunicado so long! :)

* * *

"Babe you have PT at the butt crack tomorrow morning you gotta get off the phone. I know, I know me too but you know I'm right. Well, because I _am _always right. Sure, sure I wrote it in my planner. Yes in pen. Are you mocking me?"

"Oh and he _knows _if Mouse has it in her day planner in pen then he's made it."

"Did you hear that?" smirked Eve with a roll of her eyes. Lying sprawled across the sofa with her legs kicked over the arm she talked at the cell phone on which Calvin's laughing voice came through clearly from North Carolina all the way to New York. "My Dad is ganging up on me with you. Cal it's just a stupid temp job. I'm pretty much just chief photocopier and coffee maker. Okay, okay fine, I will, I swear, I'll text you the second I get off. You will be the first to hear how badly I screwed up my first day, baby, I promise. Okay, okay I love you, bye, bye, I love you."

"He gone?"

"Again….." came the sad sigh as Eve pushed her bottom lip out in a pout.

"Not for long though, right? You said he got a pass for Thanksgiving?" safe to assume Elliot smiled warmly, "He can help me finish that new dresser your Mom wants in our bedroom."

"Dad it's a holiday! He's not coming up here to do chores and build stuff."

"The guy moves weight like a freight truck Mouse. I think he can handle building Liv's cabinet….." and then, casual as anything but unknowingly melting his daughter's heart Elliot shrugged, "… besides, you know the deal, you're part of this family you muck in. That's how we role."

"Daddy?"

"No."

"You don't even know what I was going to say!"

"Evie Grace I learned a long time ago that the moment your pretty little mouth says 'Daddy' to me in that voice I need to tighten my defensive line."

"Ugh I can already tell the holidays are just gonna be wall to wall football from you and the boys."

"What'd you want, baby?" asked Elliot, lowering his paper and smiling to signal she was more than welcome to ask whatever it was of him. "What'd you need, kiddo?"

"What's going on with Momma?"

"Mini Mouse…."

"I know something's wrong. I know it. She's hiding something from me and I've been letting her. I've been letting you both because I've been so locked in my own head but…."

"Evie, babe…."

"Remember the Christmas I wanted that Marshmallow Magic Princess Castle? I wrote Santa a million times pretty much offering him a kidney if he would only let me have it."

"A kidney?" smirked Elliot, then laughing to himself at just how sparklingly entertaining his little girl had been and still was added, "Evie you offered him your _brother _in return for the Marshmallow Castle."

"I saw you and Mom buying it at the store. I already had a hunch Santa wasn't real but Fin took his eye off me for a second and I snuck away from the snack stand and saw you at the cash register."

"Wait, what? You wrote Santa a thank you note for that thing! You got me to take pictures of you and your Mom playing with it to send him?" asked Elliot with disappointed incredulity. He had always believed himself to be a Christmas ninja when it came to making magic for his kids.

"She wasn't ready for me to find out yet. She still wanted me to be a little girl who believed."

"Evie how long have you known about the diabetes?" as he narrowed a shrewd gaze at her Eve was reminded that though her father was advancing in years his mind was sharp as ever. He didn't miss a beat. Perhaps it was the detective in him, perhaps he could just read her too well.

"I don't….." she ventured slowly, cautiously, lifting blue eyes that mirrored his and widening them trustingly, "…. only about a week that it was diabetes. I saw her in the bathroom one morning. She didn't see me though. I started noticing things. I started Googling."

"She would've been there in San Francisco. You gotta believe that, kid. You have got to know that I pretty much had to tie her down to stop her getting on that flight with me."

"I know, I knew that, deep down I must've known. My whole life she's been there, always, whatever's happened and I should've just trusted from the start there must've been a reason she didn't come."

"Why haven't you said anything? Why didn't you tell us, tell her, when you found out?"

"She wasn't ready for me to find out yet….." shrugged Eve quietly, reminding him just how well she knew her mother, "… she still wanted me to be the little girl who believed she was Superwoman."

"Oh angel….." sighed Elliot, shaking his head slowly side to side and realising she was all grown.

"Dad? What's the face?"

"You're doing better Mouse. You really are."

"Yeah…." she smiled warmly, that precious light he so adored slowly returning to her eyes.

"Things went pretty well down at Bragg, huh? With you and Hercules?"

"Yeah, yeah sure, sure things are good….." biting on her lip to prevent a grin that would only fuel his curiosity Eve shrugged, "… things are actually great between us."

"You playing your Momma's game on me Mini Mouse? You withholding information?"

"Woah, okay, slow down there Detective Stabler….." giggled Eve, watching how quickly he could still slide into evidence gathering mode.

"There _is _something you're not telling me isn't there? You couldn't lie to me when you were three years old telling me you didn't eat the cookies with half of them still all round your mush."

"Did I really do that?"

"Should I be worried, babe?" he asked, wondering if Olivia had sussed there was something Eve hadn't told them about her trip to North Carolina. "About whatever it is that's got you grinning like a Cheshire cat?"

"Nope….." twisting her head back and forth in a certain sweep her eyes implored he trust her, "… but I'm just not ready for you to find out yet. That okay? You'll understand at Thanksgiving."

"Thanksgiving, huh?"

"I promise and you'll understand why then I swear."

* * *

"El, sweetheart, love, come here a second?"

"What?" asked Elliot, a little thrown as he entered the bedroom and received a look from his wife that she usually reserved for the perpetrators of a crime. "Is that the eyebrow? Am I getting the Benson eyebrow right now? What'd I do?"

"You're funny…." she chuckled, grabbing for his forearm and encouraging him into the dressing table chair, "… just come here, come, sit."

"Okay, fine, what _didn't _I do?" because, with decades of experience at being a husband, he knew it was usually one of the two.

"I love you, sweetie….." stroking at his face, relaxing him, she flashed a wicked smirk, "… but your giant unruly monobrow has gotten out of hand."

"What? No, no don't you…." protesting, grabbing for her hands as she wielded a pair of tweezers he tried desperately not to laugh, "… put those down! Liv you dare attack me with those things!"

"It's been a misdemeanour for months but those grey slugs have escalated to a felony crime Elliot!"

"Will you get off me!" with a guttural chuckle he held both her wrists in one hand and just looked up at her grinning for a moment. "Seriously? That bad?"

"It's like all the hair that's supposed to be on your head has regrouped."

"You are a cruel, cruel woman Mrs Stabler….." but damn he loved her, he thought, his breathing falling shallow as their eyes locked.

"Are you going to play nice and let me tweeze you?" and then, though they both know she needn't because he was powerless in a fight against her she simpered, "Please?"

"Just don't make me look like that kid Mouse brought home from Brown last summer. Remember? She'd got drunk and the cheerleaders shaved her eyebrows off so she looked…."

"Permanently surprised?" but then unable to be truly insensitive, despite the deep joy she felt at seeing and hearing Elliot laughing again Olivia softened, "She was gorgeous, even with them drawn on."

"Yeah well I'm not so let's just go steady with those things okay?"

"Hold still…." with a warm, gentle hand at the side of his face Olivia set to remedying his unruly salt and pepper brows, "… you're wiggling. That won't help either of us."

"God I'm having flashbacks to when you used to cut the kids hair. When they were really tiny, remember? You'd have them sat on a kitchen chair with newspaper all around and Sammy would just sit there pinned to his seat terrified of you coming at him with scissors. I don't think the poor kid so much as blinked until you were done."

"I remember…." she nodded fondly, saying no more lest it break her concentration. It amused him watching her so serious as she plucked at the wiry salt and pepper hairs.

"And then it'd be Mouse's turn and she wouldn't sit her little butt still no matter what I tried. She wanted to see what you were doing in the mirror. She wanted to help you hold the scissors and do it herself."

"I had to cut seven dolls with matching bangs I remember that much!"

"Liv you need to talk to her."

"Evie?" her face falling a hundred stories Olivia lowered the tweezers and added quietly, "Why? What's going on? Is she alright?"

"Yeah, yeah she is….." he nodded slowly, reaching for her hand and stroking at it with his thumb while squeezing lightly with his fingers, "… for the first time in a long time I actually really do think she is."

"So….."

"She grew up."

"This is coming as a surprise to you?" she laughed lightly. "Babe she's twenty two years old."

"But I feel like it snuck up on me. Not just her age, not just the number or the years but how she's not a kid anymore. The world got to her. We tried our damn hardest to stop it but somehow it slipped past us. She knows things now, she sees things. Liv she knows about the diabetes."

"What?" gulped Olivia, suffering the same realisation. Their daughter was not that naïve, blue eyed baby girl all pompoms and delusion. Whether they liked it or not she was a knowing adult now and they were wrong to treat her as anything but.

"So you gotta talk to her."

* * *

"He did it for me, Mel."

"I'm aware of that."

"He did it for me and for Alejandro and he never meant to lie or to keep it from you it just all happened really quickly. We got in over our heads pretty much overnight and by the time we came to my Dad it needed fixing yesterday. We were gonna get our asses handed to us by the sharks we loaned the money from and so he just did what he had to. He did what he could."

"He did what…."

"What you would've done for Rachel in that situation."

"That isn't fair."

"He's sorry Melinda. He is so very sorry that he didn't tell you but deep down I don't think you want this to end your marriage. I really don't. I know you love him. I know how much you love him."

"That was never in question…." softening slightly Melinda lowered her eyes and shook her head sadly.

She liked Ken, she loved him like her own son. It pained her to admit however that though the way in which Fin had gone about helping him was misguided and wrong it was not unforgivable. It had come from a place in his heart that was good and kind. He was quicker to act on behalf of those he loved than anyone else she knew and it was one of the many things that had caused her to fall so deeply in love with him in the first place.

"I'm not asking you to forget it. He lied to you, he was deceptive, he was a giant ass. He was and I know it's gonna take time to, you know, get the trust back. I'm just asking you to try. Please Mel? Just let him up off the mat? You gotta know that he's pounding on himself every bit as hard as you are. He's terrified of losing you. He's a mess."

"Did he send you? Did he put you up to this?" she asked, still deeply scarred by Fin's betrayal and feeling as though every mention of his named still burned.

"Doesn't even know I'm here."

"Okay."

"And he'd be pissed as hell if he did I swear."

"Ken can I ask you something?"

"Sure?"

"Did he even hesitate? Before he loaned you all that money? Before he bankrupted he and I did he even hesitate?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course."

"No, no he did not."

* * *

"I didn't want to find out…."

"That mom has diabetes?"

"That mom has _anything _Sam. I didn't want to know that. I'm not sure I can take it. The idea of them getting older? Getting sick? They don't do that. Other people do, other peoples' parents can be human but ours?"

"Vee….."

"Isn't it just the worst feeling in the whole entire world?" asked Eve, breaking her brother's heart by just how deeply, endlessly and unconditionally she loved their mother. "Knowing that one day we'll be here and she won't? That one day we'll have to live without Mom?"

"I think, well, I mean I think that everyone has to deal with that at some point but….."

"Is she okay? I mean I feel like I'm coming into this thing so far through the movie. Are they giving her meds? Like, how serious is it? Can she still do all the stuff she did before?"

"Did you still not talk to her about this? Like you two are insane normally, you're pretty much just the same person in two bodies. This is weird me knowing stuff you don't. You guys shared a toothbrush that night we got stuck in Dallas. She used to buy you condoms so you could bang Calvin but you didn't ask her about this?"

"That really bothered you didn't it?"

"The condoms?"

"The toothbrush."

"You know mouth stuff freaks me out."

"How is Leah by the way?" asked Eve, and then seeing Sam's pained expression wished she had done so earlier.

"Don't even go there."

"That bad again, huh?" she smiled sympathetically, but immediately sensed from his hunched shoulders and dark eyes he was not in the mood to talk about it. It saddened her that there always seemed to be an uphill struggle in her brother and Leah's relationship. Of course things between her and Calvin were far from perfect, they too had had their fair share of battles to fight but the good times had always so deeply, so completely outweighed them. The good times seemed hard come by for these two.

"I'm pretty sure we spend more time fighting than we do, you know, actually being a couple."

"She's got a lot going on, you know?" offered Eve with an empathetic shrug.

"Yeah but, like, so have you Vee but you haven't been a total bitch to Cal about it."

"Are you sure he'd agree with you there? I mean I've not been the most fun person to be around lately and…."

"You had every reason on the planet to push him away and shut him out of what you went through Evie but you didn't. You let him help you, you let him be there for you and now the two of you are stronger than ever because of it. Leah? She just blames everything on me. I know she doesn't mean it. I know it's just her anger talking but jeez, you know? I can't do or say any freakin' thing right with her."

"I know it's tough. I know it's really tough Sammy but stick with it, yeah? Don't give up on her."

"Yeah….."

"Sammy I am so deadly serious. I mean if she really is an ass, if it really isn't meant to be then that's different but you gotta be sure. You gotta be sure that she isn't just scared and overwhelmed and wanting so badly to let you in but there's just this wall she can't fight her way past and…."

"Okay, okay, hey?" he interjected, waiting for her eyes. "I hear you."

"So guess what?"

"What?" asked Sam, but instead of replying Eve simply got up from her bed and walked over to his wheelchair. Draping herself around him she hugged his neck tight and said it wordlessly. They would always have each other.

"And I felt lost for a really, really long time after that."

"Wow, I mean wow, my God. I had no idea Mom. I mean I know you'd gotten into some pretty awful situations doing the job but…."

"I wanted to tell you sooner, babe. I wanted to be able to tell you how I knew just exactly what you were going through and how you were feeling but it's a fine line. Like you've said, finding out your parents aren't invincible is hard. I guess the same thing that kept me from telling you about the diabetes was the same thing that stopped me talking about Sealview. I'm sorry."

"No, no don't be….."

"Baby?" asked Olivia softly, reaching across and stroking her fingertips ever so lightly against Eve's forearm. For a moment she was silent, just sitting in the quiet solace her mother's presence brought.

"I'm trying, really, I am but I'm not….." chewing on the inside of her cheek Eve squeezed her eyes closed and resented the hot tears that came despite her best efforts, "…. it's just hard, you know?"

"I do, I do, I know….." and as Olivia moved in close and drew Eve into her arms it meant the entire world, the whole world and everything in it to her to know that she truly did understand, "… and it's okay, it is **okay** not to be okay Evie."

"How did you do it? How did you stay so strong and so brave?" pulling back slightly Eve looked to her mother, sometimes finding herself wondering in awe how she did anything she did.

All with such warmth, such grace, she could not have loved or admired her more knowing the truth of her Sealview ordeal and diabetes diagnosis. It was breaking, it was crushing, it was so hard to discover her flawed and imperfect and vulnerable but it only made her more beautiful in Eve's eyes. To realise how much stronger she was than she could ever have imagined previously.

"The same way you do, sweet girl. I had help. I had people around me who listened and who supported me and who I knew I could trust with my life and my heart….." stroking at Eve's hair, her face, she cupped her cheek tenderly and with misty eyes choked, "…even when it was broken into a million tiny little pieces."

"Momma?"

"Evie what is it? Oh! What is it baby?" asked Olivia, knowing instantly, in the smallest flicker I her daughter's eyes that there was something earth shattering about to fall from her lips. "Eve?"

"I was such an idiot, such a fool. I think I thought that if I just didn't say anything it would somehow make it not true. Make it like it didn't happen."

"The assault?"

"That I could just close my eyes and carry on. That I could just bury myself in being with Calvin and this new job and pretending like it's all in the past and forgotten. That if I said it didn't happen enough times I could make it true. That if I could somehow convince myself and everyone else that it wasn't….."

"I….." mouthed Olivia, because even before the words came she knew.

"I can't live my life knowing it's a lie."

"Baby…."

"He's going to keep doing it. I know he's attacked other girls and that's my fault. If I'd have let the police in San Francisco do their jobs, if worked with them he'd have been locked up _months _ago and….."

"Evie that is **not **on you, no, no way. There are thousands of women, _thousands _Eve who aren't able to come forward and that doesn't make them weak or wrong it just….."

"Mom as soon as Thanksgiving is over I need to go back there."

"To California?" asked Olivia with trepidation.

"I _am _doing better, I _am _stronger but I won't ever be able to put this behind me until I say it out loud. I can't be with Calvin, I can't move on with the rest of my life….."

"Evie why do we need to go California?" the immediate, instinctive, unhesitating use of 'we' did not go unnoticed by Eve as, voice breaking, hands shaking Olivia clutched at her daughter and urged emphatically, "Why?"

"So that I can give them permission to test the rape kit and use it as evidence….." exhaling with a slow, trembling breath Eve found her mother's eyes and finally let go, "….and to make that monster accountable for….."

"Oh my God…."

"For raping me."


	14. Black Roses Red

"You're very cute but oh so serious. Why so serious Samson?"

"Well, I mean, my name is Sam so….." he wasn't in the mood, she was perky and chatty and he had a headache, "… so there's that."

"Wanna try some? I mixed pumpkin with pecan and it is de-licious….." from her perch up on the counter the freckled red head peered down at him from behind tortoise shell glasses and flashed a slightly crooked toothed smile as she offered to share her ice cream, "… here? Clean spoon? Very sanitary. I feel like you're someone who'd value that."

"Look Bo we both know you're here because your Dad's making you so how about you just go tidy those menus, or restock the napkins or something? Nothing too strenuous, you won't break a nail or a sweat or anything terrifying like that."

"You don't like me do you Samson?"

"Sam, just Sam, just the three letters not really that hard to remember."

"So I don't need this job. So Daddy thinks I need educating on the ways of the people. So what, so we can't have some fun while I'm here?"

"The ways of the who?" narrowing his eyes, feeling Elliot's pride coursing through his veins Sam slammed his hands onto the wheels of his chair and powered himself into the back office. "You're such a privileged little cliché…."

"And you're an angry jackass! I know you're gonna rupture that big ol' vein in your forehead if you don't chill the heck out."

"You don't even know me!"

"I know you're wound up tighter than a drum and it's not good for you."

"Well, yeah, sorry I have a lot of shit going on, sorry I have some really pretty serious things to deal with in my life besides figuring out which purse to match with my overpriced hooker shoes."

"Oh! Oh these are Manolos!"

"Go home, you know? Just go home. Go home and I promise to tell your Dad you worked a full shift and learned just exactly how we mere mortals scoop ice cream for 'the people' to earn a living."

"You know your girlfriend treats you like a piece of crap."

"Did you want me to fetch your jacket?" he offered, wishing she were anywhere else in the world right now except for sat on his counter bugging the heck out of him.

"You don't like me do you?"

"I don't even know you…." echoing his earlier words this time they were softer, the edges rounded off by how suddenly disarmingly vulnerable she looked.

"Where are the napkins, please?" she asked, taught lipped and shoulders hunched defensively. A neatly pinned curl pinged out from behind her ear and she pushed it back, swallowing reluctantly and adding, "So I can refill the dispensers?"

"I thought you were leaving?" unable to help but chuckle wearily Sam arched his mother's sceptical brow.

"Did you?" she replied coolly, setting her tub of ice cream down on the counter and smoothing her white uniform apron with immaculately manicured hands.

"Why here? Lauren told me that you were her because your father told you that you had to get a job but she kind of implied he could've gotten you any one in the city. Why'd you choose to work at a tiny ice cream place no doubt a _long way _from wherever you call home?"

"Are you really asking me or are you just looking for another reason to be mean?"

"Mean? What are you like twelve?" again, she was hurt. He wondered when he'd become that person. The cynic, the caustic tongue, the quick to judge and the slow to trust. He wanted to blame the tragedies that had befallen his family. The truth was he knew it was dating Leah.

"Okay then….."

"Hey? Hey, no, Bo?" he called across the empty parlour, waiting for her to turn around before smiling warmly, "I'm really asking."

"Because I like ice cream."

"No, no really why…."

"Because my Mom and my Aunt Cece brought me here one time and it was just the best pumpkin and pecan ice cream I had ever tasted and I figured hey, you know what? Maybe it'd be fun to scoop ice cream, maybe I can even get to eat some when it's quiet."

"You're not even kidding are you?" he marvelled, it was staggering to him and that in itself was an unwelcome realisation. When had he become so turned around.

"Do you want know something for nothing?"

"I…."

"Some people just aren't that complicated."

"Is that right?"

"I mean you have a smoking hot dark and broody thing going on and your girlfriend is insane from what I can tell. You're in a wheelchair at twenty years old so clearly you've been through some shit. I can see why you've gotten a strange perspective on things."

"You know you really shouldn't judge Leah on that one time she came by here it was just a bad day and…."

"Sam, some of us?" nodding toward the tub she had left on the counter Bo's green eyes betrayed a depth he hadn't suspected previously, "We just like ice cream."

* * *

"You looked me in the eye and you told me he didn't rape you. You told me that. Over and over again you said it. You gave me your word Evie….." shaking his head with grey eyes so loaded with sadness and betrayal it broke her heart Calvin choked gruffly, "… you lied?"

"Does it change things? Does it? That it was sex not just…."

"It wasn't sex, that isn't….." closing his eyes, holding himself, tight, Calvin swallowed hard, "… it was rape. Rape is rape. You didn't have sex with him don't say that. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me whether it was what you told me then or what you're telling me now but….."

"Oh thank God, thank God Cal I…."

"It's that you're _only _telling me now. I thought we swore to always be straight with one another Evie…." he sighed emphatically, shrugging his shoulders and holding out his hands in desperation. "Did you think I would love you any less? Did you think I wouldn't be able to handle it?"

"**I** couldn't handle it!" she cried bitterly, shaking her head back and forth so quickly her side bangs fell into her face and watering eyes. "I couldn't bear it. I can barely bare it now. I was so terrified, so scared out of my mind and…."

"Evie?"

"Yes?" she asked, nodding rapidly and falling silent. Feeling as though her whole world hung on whatever he said next.

"I'm gonna tell you three things now and you're gonna write them on your fucking heart okay?"

"Oh, I, okay…."

"One? You don't keep shit from me. I don't keep shit from you. That's how this works. I don't care how big and ugly and scary it is we face it **together**. We can take it, we're strong, we're not gonna break for anything or anyone. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Two is that it changes nothing Evie. I know he's knocked the fucking stuffing right out of you. I know how you feel about yourself is all shot to shit but you're still my girl, you're always my girl. You're gorgeous and awesome and I just, well, I'm just not gonna quit until you believe that again."

"That's only two things…." she whispered, falling into his arms and nuzzling her nose into his neck, lacing it with kisses and adding, "… you said three."

"Oh, yeah, well three is that I am all for Livia helping you nail that bastard with justice and iron bars but just know that…."

"What?" she asked quietly, with a black smile. She knew what he was going to say. She wanted him to say it. It brought her unspeakable comfort, security, almost absolution to know that there was a dark shadow somewhere in him that meant it.

"I wanna castrate him. I wanna tear him limb from fucking limb. I wanna fucking end him for so much as laying a finger on you Evie I swear to God."

"Honestly?" under her breath she confessed, "A part of me wants to let you."

"I love you, baby…." kissing at her hair he brought them back, slowly, tenderly, from the edge and onto solid ground.

"Are we okay? I mean you have every right to be upset that I didn't tell you. I know that. I just need you to understand that I wasn't just lying to you and my family. Mostly I was just trying to lie to myself."

"I get it. I get it, baby. We're okay, we're more than okay….." he reassured, kissing at her forehead and nose, "…and I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

"I spent a lot of time out of my life disappointing people Mr Stabler."

"I got a feeling you really weren't at fault most of the time. The way I see it you were on the receiving end of a lot of that disappointment yourself. Life let you down, Calvin. More times than it had a right to."

"I let myself down, sir."

"That isn't…."

"I wasn't a great kid. I wasn't even a good one most days. I try figuring out all the ways I could've done things different. Kept Johnny straight and my Ma clean but…."

"You were an eighteen year old kid when Johnny raped that girl at the frat party. What the hell did you think you were gonna do to stop that? You had no idea he had that sickness in him. And your Mom? You were _how _old when Vivian first started using?"

"I don't remember."

"You were born high, son….." said Elliot grimly, taking a sip of his beer and meeting the younger man's eyes, "… don't mind that I know that. I know you don't want people in your business."

"Yeah, well, you're not really 'people' anymore, so….."

"You're a good man Calvin. More than that? You've got the makings of a great one."

"I'm not naïve, sir. I'm not unaware that I'm not really what most guys would consider a good idea, a safe bet; a catch for their kid. I come from nothing. Texas is really the only family I have, the only stability."

"Well now that's just not true."

"Oh, yeah, no, I mean sure I have the army. Nash and my guys down at Bragg. What I mean is all I can do is try. I'm trying. That's really what I want to say to you. What I'm telling you Mr Stabler is that I will never be done trying to be the best man, the best person I can be."

"That's a pretty awesome thing to hear from anyone but….."

"I wanna be the guy Evie is **proud** to stand beside."

"Cal I don't think you need to work too much harder on winning over my daughter."

"What about you, sir? I was kinda hoping I was close to winning you over."

"I…."

"There aren't a lot of certainties I can offer her Mr S. There really aren't. I will have to move around the country, maybe the world. I will deploy and it will suck every single time. I'm not perfect. I'll screw up, I just will, that much is pretty much guaranteed and….."

"You working up to something here? You got a question to ask me, Hercules?"

"Yup."

"Have at it."

"Mr S I'm wanting, well, I'm asking, if you would please give me your blessing to marry your daughter?"

"My blessing?" narrowing piercing ice blue eyes Elliot didn't miss a beat, "Not my permission, Tarzan?"

"Evie and me? We're in this. We're all in. I mean yeah, sure, we're making the choice to be together but honestly we didn't really get a choice. Not from the very first day we met. It just kind of feels like it was inevitable, kind of like she's what's been missing, like nothing makes sense without her. Does that sound crazy? Do I sound like a total douche right now?"

"You know you're not the first guy who ever fell in love."

"I'm not, huh?" sliding a crooked smile Calvin lifted his brows amused.

"I ended two decades of marriage and broke five kids' hearts. I made a choice to do that, sure, I did….." smiling that one smile Elliot reserved only for his wife he added, "… but you've met Olivia, right?"

"I figured it wasn't you Bambi got her charm from."

"Ha, you're funny, you're a funny boy Hercules."

"I'm in love with your girl Mr Stabler. She is smart and sassy and stubborn and she drives me crazy in every possible way and I wouldn't change a damn thing about her. I will protect her. I will respect and support her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't deserve her. I won't forget that. Not ever."

"Yeah, yeah, yes she is Calvin. She is the best thing that _will _ever happen to you. You punched above your weight."

"Yes sir."

"But you're wrong about the other part….." nodding slowly, unclenching his fists and allowing the reigns to slacken Elliot acknowledged, "… you do deserve her. You proved that. You've proved it to me, to Liv, to Evie time and time again."

"I won't stop."

"Damn right you won't."

"So…."

"Do one thing for me?"

"Sure, sure, anything?"

"I think we both know she was on board with this thing long before I was. She had your back when you were just a half pint. I'm pretty sure she'd marry the two of you herself if she could but…."

"Livia?"

"You don't need to ask her to know what she'll say….." there was a moment between the two men when Calvin hoped dearly that he still had that same look in his eye when he spoke about his Evie at Elliot's age, "….but ask her anyway? For me?"

"Sir just, you know, for the record, for what it's worth….." turning away, unable to look the older man in the eye as he made the confession Calvin mumbled, "… every other dude I've met wasn't worth shit."

"Tarzan in case you didn't realise it I already said yes. You already have my blessing."

"I realised, I realise that I just….." nodding slowly the young man turned his head, met his would be father in law's gaze and smiled, "… well you're alright, you know, as a person. You're the kind of man it wouldn't suck to turn out like. That's all I'm saying."

"Hercules?" though he had his faults, he was far from perfect, there were worst men in the world than those in Eve's life that Calvin could find himself mentors in and they both acknowledged as much.

"Mr S?"

"You wanna call me Elliot?"

"Sure, yeah, cool, thanks….." then, with an impish smirk he tried his luck, "… you wanna call me Calvin?"

"Nope, no Hercules I do not."

* * *

"You don't have to send all the stuff you do."

"I know I don't….." smiled Olivia warmly, taking a slow sip from her coffee cup as she sat with Calvin on her back porch in the crisp November air.

"I know you don't too. I wasn't, I mean, I don't want you to stop….." he smiled, so warm and gentle in her presence, "… I just wanna thank you is all."

"Sweetheart you don't need to thank me. I love doing it! It's my little indulgence…." winking fondly she reached to his knee and patted it lightly, "… sending random crap and candy to our solider."

"Yeah, well, when I said you don't have to do it I meant, like, literally. It's not some fucked up maternal guilt, you're not trying to buy me, you know? You're not biologically obliged."

"No, no that's true."

"You're kind to me Livia."

"I…." gosh how he could do that, just take her heart and squeeze it.

"You always have been. You look out for me, take care of me, you were the first person who was ever completely on my side….." sloping his eyes sidewise Calvin took a swig of beer and swallowed a choke, "….well, yeah, it just means a lot that's all."

"Put that beer down."

"Huh? I mean sure, sorry, course, my bad, I just kinda thought it's Thanksgiving so…."

"Will you put that beer down and give me a hug right now? I won't tell you twice….." she smiled wryly, drawing him into a warm, squeezing embrace and then slapped his back playfully and laughed, "… right, okay, now you can drink your beer. Far be it for me to deny one of my boy's a beer on a holiday!"

"Actually it's kind of more Dutch courage than anything….." he confessed, leaving the brown bottle sat beside him as he wrung out his hands and narrowed his eyes hesitantly.

"Oh yeah?" she asked curiously, "What's going on? What's on your mind?"

"I mean it's kind of weird I guess, now, what with things kinda changing with Evie. I mean not changing, exactly."

"We just all know the whole truth now."

"Right."

"How are you doing with that, sweetheart?" of course, of course she would ask that. Of course she would have the capacity to show concern for his well-being as well as taking care of everyone else around her.

"She's gonna be okay Livia. She is, she really is. She's gonna get through this and she's gonna be even stronger than the little ninja she is already and…."

"She _is_ our little ninja, huh?"

"Your kids are kind of incredible at surviving shitty, shitty situations if you hadn't noticed. I can't imagine where they get it from."

"You're sweet, but damn I hope you're right about Evie."

"I am. I know I am and so do you. I wish I could come to California with you both. I mean I'd have a pretty hard time not killing the bastard if I ever actually met him but…."

"You and my husband are frighteningly similar in that regard."

"Detective Stabler was pretty good at beating the shit out of the bad guys in his time, right?"

"The bad guys, the walls, the refrigerator, the vending machine, his locker, my old shower glass…."

"I tried to get the time off but with things getting kinda sketch out East again they're cutting leave. They're upping our hours, regrouping us, specialist training the whole nine yards."

"Cal that sounds serious?" it was, and they both knew it. Political stirrings and a serious of horrifically unfortunate events in the Middle East had the whole nation on high alert. This, however, was not the time to have that particular discussion.

"I wanna be there for her. I wanna hold her hand, have her back, protect her, stand with her against whatever comes."

"I know you do sweetheart, I know you do. You know what though? Even though you're not gonna be there for the trial the thought of seeing you again is what's gonna get her through it. It'll be what keeps her going I can promise you that right now and…."

"I don't just mean for the trial."

"Wh…." she began, but suddenly she became acutely aware that they were having a very different conversation to the one she had initially thought.

"I know this isn't the greatest timing ever but somehow, I dunno, that kinda doesn't seem to matter. I mean I don't just love her when things are going good, you know? I'm gonna take care of her and protect her and that's gonna be for always. That's gonna be for the rest of her life. I mean, that is….." biting on his lip Calvin hesitated a beat, lifted his eyes, and shot Olivia a coy and hopeful smile, "… well, that's if you would be alright with that. If that's an idea you might kinda be able to, you know, sign off on."

"Calvin are you asking me what I think you are?"

"I don't know what you're thinking but….."

"Cal!"

"I love her, I am so in love with her Livia and I wanna marry her. She's my family, she's just, she's just everything to me and….."

"You get El on board?" narrowing her eyes she already knew his answer and he already knew hers, so as they smiled and nodded at one another she added, "Then you got me too, sweetheart."

"Yeah?" she had to say it again, he had to hear it again, it was too important for any tiniest flicker of doubt.

"Darling, love, she is so young. You both are. I could say that. I could talk to you about waiting and being sure and million other things Moms say in this situation but you know what? They're _not _in this situation. They don't know you and they sure as hell don't know my daughter the way I do."

"I wish I could fix this for her. I wish I could turn back time and be there that night so this never happened. I just feel so helpless Livia. My girl is just fucking breaking inside and I can't do a damn thing to help her."

"I see the way you look at her now…."

"Same way I did before….." shrugged Calvin, missing her point.

"Exactly."

"Huh?" he asked, twisting his face and squinting at her, "Is this SVU or just a girl thing? Cos I'm kinda gonna need you to translate."

"Calvin you make her laugh, you play, you have fun, you're gentle and you look after her but you don't patronise. You don't pity. In my experience it is one thing dealing with being a victim but having everyone treat you that way? Like you're fragile, weak, broken?"

"Bambi isn't weak. She's the strongest person I know."

"Knowing when to lead and when to follow? Knowing when it's time for tough love and when it's time for cuddles? Recognizing the difference between allowing someone to be changed by an experience but still seeing all the things you loved in them before? Knowing when to speak and when to just stand, silently and hold a hand like you're never gonna let go? It is a rare and beautiful gift Calvin and you have it."

"You reckon?"

"I reckon you learned it from you Mama, sweetheart. You shouldn't have but I guess life's funny that way. How her pain and her inability to cope taught you the kind of strength and patience and kindness….." tears sliding rapidly down her cheeks and falling into her blouse Olivia reached to his face, stroked her fingertips along his jaw and nodded with a deep and affirming love, "… that I am so happy my daughter is going to have in a partner."

* * *

"You know we haven't talked about it yet."

"The engagement?" asked Elliot with a tired smile as he turned to his wife, "Tell me you said yes? Tell me you didn't go all bad-cop on my ass?"

"Of course I said yes. I don't think the devil himself could've denied that boy tonight, do you?"

"She's happy, Liv."

"She's getting there…." replied Olivia with a steady nod as she washed the last of the dishes, "… she's doing better."

"I don't want to talk about how my little girl was raped Olivia. I really don't. I could, I can, if she needs me to. If you need me too. If that's what Mouse needs to help her get through this, if that's the support she needs from me then I will man the hell up but…."

"Babe…."

"I don't think she does. I don't think it's gonna help either one of us, me or her. That's honest. That's me being straight up with you it really is. I want justice. I want to come with you to California and see that guy rot in jail or hell or whichever we can figure out to come first but…."

"You're really still set on coming with us?" she asked, having thought they had already laid this particular discussion to rest a few nights earlier.

"I hear you saying that this is something you feel like you want to do just you and Evie but I don't know. I dunno. I mean me not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to have that in my head it's….." sighing heavily he crossed the room, reached to the small of her back and stroked gently as he brooded, "… well it's not the same thing as not wanting to be there. Right there for my girl, for you. I just don't see I can do that from the other side of the country is all."

"Okay, okay I hear that….." falling into his arms she hugged him tight, resting her head on his shoulder and exhaling slowly, "… and maybe you're right. Maybe we need you there."

"It's Thanksgiving tomorrow."

"I really thought Sammy would be home by now. I know he has to close now he's supervisor but really? This late the night before a holiday how busy can it be?"

"Liv?" he asked softly, and then because he wasn't sure she'd heard he pulled away and asked her eyes, "Do _you _want to talk about it?"

"I…." she wasn't sure, she really wasn't. Perhaps there was nothing they could really say. Of course it went without saying that her dialogue with Evie would be endless, there would always be words she could force herself to find, and for as long as her daughter needed it she would talk until she was hoarse.

"You don't have to answer right now."

"No, no it's fine, it's okay I just don't know. I thought I did. Maybe I just thought we should. I talk to Evie…."

"And that's what's important, that's what matters. Really that's all that matters."

"We matter Elliot, we do. Our sanity? That matters. We can't help her find herself again if we lose ourselves. We can't help her figure out how to put herself back together if we're falling apart."

"By God you're incredible…." he murmured, reaching to her face and stroking it adoringly, "… you really are."

"I'm going to meet with George Huang after the holidays. I know just about everything there is to know about being an advocate for a rape victim but not a damn thing about being the mother of one. I need his help."

"It scares the hell out of me that you can call her that, Liv."

"You know what scares the hell out of me?" she tested, trusting him that she could. "That you can't."

"Yeah….." he conceded, nodding slowly, grimly, acutely and unusually self-aware, "… yeah."

"She's your little girl, sweetheart…." she stroked, reaching for his hand with comfort and reassurance, "… I get it. I do, I really do. I completely understand."

"Huang be alright if I tag along? I reckon maybe…." rolling his shoulders, locking his jaw around the confession Elliot mumbled, "… maybe I could use a little help too."

"Thank you…." she mouthed, leaning forward and kissing him softly with love and profound relief.

"Sorry, sorry I know I'm interrupting a moment but…."

"Hey sweetheart…." sighed Olivia warmly, touching Sam's shoulder as he wheeled his way past them toward the freezer, "… how was work? Are you hungry? I saved you a plate."

"Thanks, thanks that's great. I'm gonna give it a half hour I just ate a bunch of ice cream so I'm kinda stuffed."

"Your boss know you're eating the merchandise?" chuckled Elliot teasingly.

"Shut up Dad!" rolling his eyes Sam looked to his mother, "I brought some home for tomorrow. Thought you might wanna serve it with your famous pie which I am assuming will be happening?"

"Would I deny my boy his Thanksgiving pie?" she laughed, brown eyes warm and alight with how relaxed and happy he seemed. It had been a long time since she had seen him so. "What flavours have we got then?"

"Pumpkin and pecan….." replied Sam, tossing the tubs into the freezer and shutting the door with a satisfied thunk an shrugging casually to add, "…. they're really good together."


	15. Beneath Your Beautiful

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Evie…."

"Please Mom? Just, please, stop….." standing in the kitchen in fluffy boot slippers, plaid pyjamas and a giant NYPD hooded sweatshirt t-shirt Eve shook her head steadily from side to side and whispered, "… please?"

"I am **so **worried about you, sweet girl."

Though the fine lines around Olivia's eyes and the tiny flecks of silver that teased through hair she now dyed a warm mahogany betrayed her advancing years to Eve she was ageless. It were, for the most part at least, as though no time at all had passed since she chased her through the changing seasons in Central Park. Her light, her life, her endless, tireless support and unconditional love was abiding.

"I know you are."

"I…."

"I know you are and I'm _sorry_ for that but…." before Eve could finish the sentence Olivia's hand flew to her mouth and she shook her head quickly.

"Sorry!" gasped Olivia, deeply apologetic that this was the response she had elicited. "No, no that isn't what I…."

"I know you want me to talk, need me to talk. You're scared that I'm bottling and maybe I am but what I want, what I need is for you to let me…." hugging the popcorn she had just microwaved close to her chest while it was still warm and comforting Eve shrugged, "…just for a little while."

"Sweetheart…."

"No! No Mom, you're not listening to me and that's not like you!" cried Eve, shaking her head pleading, "You don't do that. Other people do but not you."

"And you don't shut me out Eve. You don't do that. That's not who we are and I know I have no right to say that to you after I kept the diabetes a secret but you have to just trust me on this one that…."

"I have two more days with Cal, just two, before he goes back down to Bragg. Two days. He's sat on my bed waiting for me and we're going to watch Beauty and the Beast."

"Your favourite…." Smile Olivia, heart breaking.

"We're just going to lie there and he's going to snuggle me and play with my hair and I'll pretend not to notice but really it's just the best feeling in the world. He'll hold my hand and his is so big it can fit all my fingers tucked inside of it and that's how I feel when we lie like that. Like I can just curl up into his chest and hide, and be safe and just, just breathe."

"You won't ever out run it, baby. It will chase you. I'm not saying that to scare you. I'm saying it because I know he makes you feel safe. I know with him is so good you can force everything else out, all the bad, everything you're fighting so hard but…."

"Stand down, Captain Stabler."

"That isn't fair Eve."

"When we get to California it will be _constant _Mom. I know how it works, you forget that. I was there when they did that rape kit. I stayed in that room for hours and I let them swab my fucking soul so….."

"Oh my God…." it turned Olivia's stomach to even allow the thought to permeate.

"And now they're going to want to go over and over and over what happened. They're going to make me tell my story in every tiny, disgusting, microscopic detail. Till every member of that jury can feel his scaly hands, smell the cigarettes and pot, taste the Sambuca the same way I can. I am going to talk and talk and talk about it until either he's locked up or I am…." closing her eyes, holding them shut Eve peeled them open and held her mother's gaze pleadingly, "… two days is all I'm asking for. All I want is to just have two days with Cal where I'm just Evie."

"Okay."

"Really?" her mother was not one to back down easily, and never where she or Sam were concerned.

"There are precious few things strong enough to take away that darkness you're carrying around with your right now, sweet girl. If being with Cal is one of them then I'm sure as hell not going to deny you that…." firm, determined Olivia added a cautioning, "… but just until he leaves."

"And then….." lowering her eyes Eve nodded slowly, "… and then after that I'll be a victim again."

"Survivor."

"I'm not shutting you out Mom I swear. I'm not denying it happened. I just…."

"I won't let you drown Evie….." walking over to her daughter Olivia pressed a firm, deeply loving kiss against her forehead and vowed, "… I **will not **let you drown I promise you. I promise you that you are going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright."

"Momma?" setting down her popcorn Eve coiled her arms tight around Olivia's waist and squeezed her tight. "I believe you."

* * *

"I appreciate you coming with me this morning Mouse."

"No big deal."

"Yeah, no, it is a big deal. I know you're doing it for me. I know you'd rather be hanging out with Hercules and making the most of his long weekend home."

"Dad seriously, it's all good…." smiled Eve, as father and daughter wandered out of the church and into the low winter sun, "… it's been cool to spend some time just the two of us."

"Yeah, yeah it really has."

"You wanna go get coffee? Maybe a little brunch or something?" she offered, buttoning her coat and looking to him. He never changed. In the same way Olivia's beauty and compassion were timeless so too was Elliot's stoic, unbending strength. Yes he was only human, yes he too had been struggling lately but he wouldn't break. She knew that like she knew that the sun would come up each morning. "We could go to Toni's like we used to when we were little. Remember? Every Sunday? You me and Sammy."

"I couldn't forget…." they had been without doubt some of the happiest days of his life, and draping an arm around her he asked that which he had been so desperate to for days, "… how are you Mouse? How you doing? How you doing with it all?"

"Daddy…." that wheedling little voice and her little girl simper could close as many doors as they could open them.

"I know you don't wanna answer me. I know you'd rather talk to your Mom, to Tarzan. I just wanna be here for you."

"And I love you so much for that…." taking a pause, standing on the shady side of the street as the last of the fall leaves fell from the tree above them onto a sea of dark or oranges and reds at their feet Eve nodded glassy eyed, "… so much."

"Mouse one day, one day you will have babies of your own and you'll know. You will know how when something, when someone, when the world comes at them and hurts them it takes your breath away. You can't breathe. It's like someone is just tying your hands and holding your head under water and it is the _worst _kind of pain. What that monster did to you? What that monster did to my little girl it just…."

"Come with us to San Francisco?" she would have Olivia, she would have her mother there to hold her and comfort her and fight like the warrior she was for her but this was different.

From the moment she had first set blue eyes on blue eyes there had been a powerful and inexplicable bond between father and daughter and Eve knew in that moment that this was when she started to give back. Through the diabetes diagnosis there had been admittance that her mother was not invincible. Now it was time to accept that her father too could be vulnerable. He could feel hurt and confusion and anger just like she did. All those times she had turned her head to avoid acknowledging the fact rushed in and she loved him more in that moment of clarity. Now was the time when she began to realise and embrace how he needed her just as much as she needed him. He was having just the same struggle to come to terms with her attack as Olivia was and he needed the vindication of justice too.

"Mouse, no, it's okay, this is something you and your Mom need to…."

"Mom needs you there with us, she does. She won't say it and we both know that. She thinks it's better that you're here holding down the fort but the truth is she really wants you with her, with us."

"I….." to be needed was what Elliot Stabler needed most. From the moment Maureen had appeared as a bean on a sonogram his entire reason for being had been to protect, to defend, to care for his child. He was not about to protest his seat on the plane. "Are you sure? This is your trip Evie. This is about what you need, what exactly it is that you need."

"I need my Dad."

"Baby…." he swallowed, drawing her into the same bear like hug that had soothed her as a little girl. "Okay, okay we'll do this together then. You, me, your Momma. We'll take that bastard on together and we'll nail him to the wall."

"I survived."

"Huh?" her whisper had been no more than sound, and holding her at arms' length Elliot furrowed his wiry brows. "What was that?"

"That's what Mom says, that's what she always says. I thought it was just the cop in her. I thought it was just all those years running SVU."

"And now?"

"I'm not good, I'm not great, but I'm okay. I am. I'm talking about in therapy, I'm talking to Mom. I have Calvin who is just, he's right there, he is _right there _Daddy even when he isn't. For a long time there, for what felt like a lifetime I wasn't sure if I'd make it out of bed on a morning much less be able to think about tomorrow, next week, even next year."

"I actually had an interesting little chat with Hercules at Thanksgiving…." and seeing her little smile he knew he had done right in giving Calvin his blessing. "Don't ever think I underestimate just how much that boy means to you Mouse. I see, I know."

"Dad you just need to know that it's going to be alright and I am going to get through this. It is **not **going to break me I promise you that."

"How the hell are you so strong Evie Grace? You're incredible; you are an amazing young woman. I don't tell you that often enough."

"Yeah, well, I don't know about that but the answer to your question is pretty easy….." smiling with a steady, confident nod Eve shrugged, "…. you and Mom."

* * *

"It's just hard I guess."

"Hard? No, no mijo you passed hard several stops ago. The train you're riding how is nigh on impossible. What Evie went through?"

"Tex you know, you've been there, you know what she…"

"No…." snapped Texas quickly, shaking her head firmly from side to side, "… no, no I do not. Don't do that. Don't compare because it isn't right. I'm a different person. I had a different life completely and…."

"Texas don't _you _do that. Don't you make out like it was less than it was, that's what's not right. You pretending that what those guys did to you was any less fucking brutal or cruel or damaging than what happened to Eve."

"I was a whore Cal!" she snapped, because she hated when he did this. They hadn't spoken this way for so long and she remembered how raw and exposed it left her. The way he could still, even now, slice her straight down the core.

"Rape is rape."

"I'm not having this conversation with you. We are not having this conversation Calvin but my point is that damage can be repaired. Yes it's brutal, yes it's cruel but with enough will and enough courage and enough people who love you it's not an endgame. You survive it. You just do, and she will too."

"I guess."

"Cal what's going on? What's in your head? You can say anything to me you know that. I don't care how fucked up it is."

"I can't."

"You? Really?" she teased. He'd changed. For the better, sure, but nevertheless the Calvin she had once known would have been far from shy in saying whatever it is he was currently hesitating to. "You know you're coming dangerously close to a blush there, mijo. That's not like you. That's not like you at all."

"Yeah, well, whatever."

"Oi?" she smiled, with just enough mischief to remind him she was no angel but a balancing compassion that confirmed she was his. She was his gravity since childhood and remained so in that moment.

"So maybe I'm not the same as I used to be."

"No kidding."

"Don't do that, don't look at me like that Tex. You've changed too. You're a fucking housewife now. You bake for fundraisers and take Leni to playgroups and have dinner waiting for Gil when he gets home. So, what, am I not allowed to be a better person than I was when we're living like rats in a hole with Ma?"

"Cal I'm sorry I didn't mean…." softening her approach as Leni crawled her way over to Calvin. The child was besotted and so was Calvin. Elena loved Gil dearly, he was her father and she wanted for nothing from him but there would always be a special place in her heart for her Uncle Cal.

"Leni Legs!" greeting the infant warmly Calvin hoisted her up onto his lap and doted on her adoringly. She smelt sweet, like milk and baby wipes. "Hey, hi there, what's up? What's going on? I dig this outfit you've got on here, you're looking good Legs."

"Olivia took us shopping last week….." and then, not unaware of how loaded a statement it was Texas smiled, "… that woman was _born _to be a grandmother."

"I'm gonna propose to her, I'm gonna ask her to marry me Tex."

"Oh my God!" it wasn't until that moment, in which her heart flipped and she forgot to breathe that Texas realised how much had changed.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, without even realising it she had let him go. She loved Calvin Arliss in a way that no one would ever understand. He was in her veins, in her bones, he was her family in ways that she couldn't even begin to describe and yet she was no longer in love with him. There was not one single part of her that wasn't genuinely beside herself with joy and excitement at the idea of him marrying the girl she had known for a long time was the love of his life.

"Calvin that's awesome, that's incredible!"

"Texas I haven't got a fu….." swallowing the end of the word Calvin kissed Leni's head, shrugged, and mumbled "….I haven't got a ducking clue whether she's ever gonna let me touch her again."

"Oh honey…."

"Who thinks about that? Who asks that question?" trusting her, implicitly, he laughed grimly, "I'm an asshole. I'm _some _kind of messed up to…."

"Honey…." softening, melting, her heart breaking for her oldest and dearest friend Texas crossed the kitchen and draped herself around Calvin's shoulders, kissing at his cheek and just holding him a moment.

"She's going through hell and I'm trying to help her, do to and say the right thing. You know? I just miss her. I miss her and how we used to be. Maybe that's messed up. Selfish, for sure, to be thinking that when she's the one who was raped and she might never get over that."

"You don't really believe that. I know you don't. Evie Stabler is too damn stubborn and determined to let something like this hold her down. She'll come back from it, she will, you have to trust that."

"I know I have to let it change her. I know she won't ever be the same."

"But she's still Evie….." sitting beside him Texas took his hand, stroking at his knuckles lovingly, "… she's still your Bambi, even if this does make her a little rougher around the edges."

"I never wanted her to….." it was the first time since Eve had confessed the rape to him that Calvin had allowed himself to cry, and he did so now with his usual stoic reluctance, "… to know, you know, what we do."

"That life is fucked up?" offered Texas simply.

"Oh, no, Legs!" he said, horrified, as he clamped two bear like hands around Elena's ears. "Tex you gotta watch that. You gotta watch your mouth around her."

"Pots and kettles?"

"Not around legs I don't…." and he was right, he was so right. She could honestly say hand on heart she had never heard him so much as raise his voice much less curse in front of her daughter.

"You're right, you're right I'm sorry. My bad, I'll do better."

"She's just the sweetest, kindest, most completely…." it broke her, shattered her inside to see the anguish in Calvin's eyes as he spoke of Eve and her pain, "… I just never wanted her to learn to **hate** like that Tex."

"Oh Cal, honey, honey….."

"I'm fine."

"No, no you are not…." and for the first time, sat in Texas' kitchen and clutching Elena against his chest Calvin allowed himself to feel the full emotional devastation of Eve's attack for the first time, "… come here, come here, don't fight me."

"I'm good, I'm set, I…."

"Don't you dare fight me…." she warned as she hugged him tight into her chest, held him tight, and said no more.

* * *

"I win!"

"That's what? Like four games in a row. I'm sure you're cheating."

"You can't cheat at this game besides I couldn't even if I wanted to….." pouted Bo, reaching for the table of cards and scooping them up to shuffle, "…. my Mom always tells me I have the worst poker face. She says you can always tell exactly what I'm thinking it's written all over my mush."

"My sister is actually just like that."

"You two are really close, huh?" she smiled, expertly tossing the cards between hands as she blew a curl of red hair up out of her eyes. "You talk about her all the time."

"You don't talk about your siblings though? Do you have any?" asked Sam, as the two of them sat together in the empty Creamery an hour before closing. After a whirlwind lunchtime rush it had gone dead and they had been entertaining themselves for hours.

"Nope, no it's just me. Daddy always says how they wanted to have more kids but Mom couldn't so I was just their one little miracle."

"So they spoiled you rotten?" though so often immune to his teasing this time it seemed to strike a nerve in Bo and she went noticeably quiet. "Hey? Hey you know I was just playing, right?"

"They just really love me…." it took him by surprise to learn, time and time again that she had been right, sometimes people really were just that straight forward, "… is there anything so very wrong with that?"

"No, no of course not I…"

"I know how lucky I am Sam. I know not everyone grows up the way I did. It's not as easy as you'd think not to take it for granted when it's all you've ever known."

"I think that I can get that…." shrugged Sam, wondering what exactly it was that she had known. He had heard gossip on the grape vine that Bo's family were wealthy. He knew she lived on the Upper East Side as he'd put her in a cab home one night. She wasn't particularly forthcoming on details, however, and of all the employees at The Creamery he was now the closest to her and so the information highway had slowed to a crawl.

"So you know we were talking about that Diabalo concert next week? Well Daddy got me four tickets and I have my friends Mike and Dana coming but we're one short?"

"For real?"

"You wanna come? They're really great, they were super keen when I said my friend from work wanted to come along."

"You're sure they'd be cool with it?" he asked, a little hesitant. He had no idea how Leah would feel about him accepting the invitation though he assumed she would most likely be pissed as hell. Then again, that said, she was pissed as hell about most things these days. He just needed an escape. He just needed one evening where he could forget that his sister had been raped and his girlfriend was HIV and that there wasn't a damn thing he could do to change either one of those realities.

"Course!"

"Okay, well, then in that case that sounds awesome thanks it'd be great to join."

"Wanna play again?" she asked, already dealing the cards.

"Sure, sure let's do this…."

* * *

"Have you met her mother?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" prickled Olivia, far from sure she liked what Fin was implying. They had fallen into a routine of security and gentle rhythm since his separation from Melinda. She came over and did his laundry and he just listened. Listened endlessly, patiently, with unfailing support and the special brand of tough love he reserved only for Liv.

"She got your strength, doll face. She did, she got your courage and your resilience and an unnatural ability to handle whatever shit live throws at her with grace and warmth."

"I feel like this is a soft lead in to a…."

"But you are hell to take care of sometimes."

"Hey!"

"You are and you know it. You are the queen of denial and shutting down and if I had a dollar for every time I heard you tell someone you were 'fine' when you were anything but…" he was smiling, that toothy knowing grin she couldn't even pretend to be genuinely mad at.

"I hate how well you know me Odafin I really do."

"Kids learn by example, they watch and they mirror and that is exactly why yours are two of the most awesome human beings I know. I reckon the best way you can help baby girl is to just imagine she's you. If you can't get in her head get in yours because, let's face it, Sam is a fair mix of you and Stabler but that little lady is _all _you."

"You reckon?" but of course she was. From the minute Eve had refused her help tying her shoes, jumping in the pool, learning how to multiply numbers. She would try and she would fail and then she would try, try again. Stubborn and determined, that was her girl.

"Liv how many times have we had that fight? How many times have you told me you've had it with El?"

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"I guess she really is my daughter."

"And some."

"How'd you do it?" she asked, her eyes warm and profoundly loving. "You and El both crack me like a walnut every time. How'd you worm your way in?"

"You tell me?" hitting the ball back across the net he turned the tables. The easier way to answer her question was to have her identify her own Achilles heel. Once she knew that she would know how to help her daughter.

"I guess I'll work on figuring that one out."

"I reckon time is your biggest friend on this one cheekbones, I really do."

"Fin can I ask you something and then afterward have you forget I ever did?"

"Sure, sure what's on your mind?"

"It's no secret that Evie is a long way off being done dealing with all this and we're about to have her revisit it all line by line, minute by minute prepping her for trial. Everything in her life is so shaky and uncertain. She's had the wind knocked out of her and she's vulnerable. I just can't help but worry that this whole engagement idea is just…."

"A band aid for the bullet hole?" offered Fin, hearing the end of her sentence before she spoke it.

"Every survivor is looking to take back their control, feel the feet on the ground again, find stability and equilibrium. That's what he is to her. Calvin is her safe place, he's her balance and she trusts him completely."

"Repeat that last sentence to me?"

"What?"

"Just do it…" he instructed and puzzled she complied.

"He's her safe place, her balance…." hearing what he meant Olivia smiled and nodded gratefully, "… and she trusts him completely."

* * *

"SVU? Cal are you serious?" smarted Eve, her forehead shooting up with poorly concealed dismay. "You made me dress up to come to my parents' old work? You told me we were having date night. I'm wearing heels, babe!"

"You look incredible."

"Okay what's going on? What are we doing here?"

"You know when this shit goes down in movies the girl is way less hard work."

"What are you talking about?" he was grouchy, and it was adorable. She was impressed at the effort he'd made. She was sure they were Sam's chinos he was wearing as they were far too tight on his muscled thighs and she made a mental note to go shirt shopping with him next time. Though he was deeply attractive in his collared navy smart casual dress shirt she knew he could look even better with her guidance.

"I need for you to just stop asking questions, stop being such a little wise ass. Just stand there, right there, because I'm doing a thing here and you're ruining it. You're killing the moment."

"What moment? What thing?" she teased flippantly, tipping her head and batting her lashes. He made her feel like the girl she had thought lost never to return in California might still be there somewhere buried deep, deep below the rubble.

"You remember the first time me and you stood here together Bambi?" he asked bluntly, directly, his eyes shooting up and finding hers. Breath stolen she stopped talking, stopped questioning. Swallowing slowly she realised why he'd brought her here. It was where they had first met.

"You looked like a homeless person."

"I pretty much _was_ a homeless person….." he conceded with a twisted smirk.

"You told me I had really shiny hair…." and in many ways he was still that gruff, slightly awkward but gold hearted figure he had cut back then.

"I did?" he cringed. Though he hadn't changed much there had been a little rounding of the harsh, unknowing edges he had had at nineteen and he was able to mock self-deprecatingly, "I had mad skills with the ladies, clearly."

"And I was just horrid. I was so spoiled. I was such a stupid, naïve little girl."

"Nah, no, I mean yeah, yeah you kinda…." they both laughed then, because it was retrospective, because since then they had both grown so much. "I'm kidding. I'm joking. You were awesome. You were the most alive little thing I'd ever met."

"I remember one thing you told me. I actually thought about it a lot in the hospital in San Francisco…." pausing a moment, she escaped a weighted sigh and smiled at him, "…. you told me I was luckier than I knew."

"I said that, huh?" he was sure he had not meant it in a kind way. In fact, from what he could recall, he had been nothing but resentful of just about everyone and everything at that point. "You must've thought I was a real asshole."

"Yeah, yeah I did….." she teased, mirroring the way he had her a few moments earlier, "…. but you had me. You didn't know it yet. I didn't know it yet, but I remember when I knew I was _really _in trouble. When you were trying to take me somewhere, like, for coffee or ice cream or something."

"See I _was _a gentleman!" jumping on the opportunity to revise history he grinned but Eve remained deep in the moment.

"I'd dated boys. I was Jason's girlfriend. I was such a child, a little Barbie doll. I remember standing right here and being such a little priss. I was telling you how I wasn't going to go with you because I didn't want to be the punch line of some afterschool special."

"Just for the record you should never have gotten involved with me and we're raising our kids Amish. It's done. A nineteen year old fuck up looks at my little girl the way I looked at you back then and I beat the shit out of him."

"Well now that's not very Amish is it?" breaking a smile Eve stifled a giggle. She knew what he meant and she sincerely appreciated his sentiment. Looking back with the benefit of age and experience she too marvelled at her parent's lenience. "I was so young and stupid but I just remember standing right where I am now and thinking oh boy you are in trouble Evie Grace."

"Is that right?" she wasn't so sweet and innocent, even then. They wouldn't be there if she had been. Stepping forward Eve reached out her fingertips and traced his lopsided smirk.

"I saw this little grin of yours, the whole broody bad boy thing you had going on and I felt dizzy and sick and sweaty and I figured I was going straight to hell if God could read my thoughts..." remembering the moment, that delicious teenage desire Eve laughed lightly.

"You told me you weren't afraid of me." He said, because that was as important now with her so raw and so vulnerable to physical and emotional intimacy as it had been then. "I remember thinking you had balls for that. You should've been scared shitless. I was a really bad idea."

"You were the best idea I ever had Calvin and even then, even as just a silly little girl I was smart enough to know it."

"Maybe it was fluke, maybe it was just chance, but I like to think it was fate Bambi. I like to think that this was all just meant to be."

"I like to think so too…." she whispered, because it mattered, then more than ever before.

"I gotta believe that all the fucked up shit that's happened wasn't for nothing. It was so I could stand here and you could stand there and then six years later we could stand here together."

"Babe…." she soothed, moved deeply by the passion she knew he had but he rarely showed. As she reached for his one hand he reached for her other, holding them both tightly as he sunk down on one knee.

"You changed my life Evie Stabler."

"Oh my…."

"More than that….." he growled, his hands clutching hers and his eyes filled with tears, "… you **saved **life."

"Cal, oh Cal….."

"I was the saddest, angriest, loneliest shadow of a person when I met you. I'd pretty much given up on everything and everyone. I'd given up on myself."

"I love you…." she mouthed silently, not wanting to interrupt him but simply let him know she was right there, right there with him hanging on every word.

"You made me laugh. You made things seem possible. You made me think there was a point to everything ….." choked unexpectedly his smoky voice cracked, but holding her eyes he continued, "… and Evie you made me feel like I mattered. Like my sorry ass was actually worth a damn."

"Your sorry ass is worth **everything **to me Calvin."

"I wanna go places and see things and take risks and have expectations and dreams like other people do. I wanna pick out a Christmas tree for our little house and invite all your crazy family round and watch Livia lose her shit when we make her a Grandma and…."

"Our family."

"Huh?"

"I mean they already are you know that, but it'll be official when…."

"Evie Grace Stabler….." clearing his throat he reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out a small black box, popping it open to reveal a modest, clean cut diamond on a silver band, "…. will you marry me?" she was nodding, she was grinning, but she hadn't said the word yet so he simply rolled in the warm, delicious wonderment of the moment they were sharing, "Will you be my wife? Will you build a life, a family with me?"

"Yes….." she murmured breathlessly, melting into a binding kiss, "… yes Calvin Arliss I will."


End file.
